Elizabeth - The Virgin Queen

I imagine myself bringing a cigarette to life, inhaling a puff, spitting out dazzling smoke; all in a dark enclosure. The only light comes from the computer screen. My eyes reflecting each alphabet I type.

In reality, I don't smoke. I won't type in the dark because it is bad for the eyes.

Queen Elizabeth married England. This woman did something great for her nation. Queen Elizabeth (not Prince Charles' mother) reigned for more than 40 years as the Queen of England after the demise of her sister Mary I. England became the richest country in Europe and that period was known as the Golden Age. But if she was a man, she wouldn't have to give up so much. In a patriachy society, she was only a woman and so she was criticised that she ruled with her heart and not her head. To keep her throne and her head on her shoulders, she had to develop a heart of a man.

Perhaps it wasn't because she was a woman. It was because she had a conscience. It was because she followed her conscience that England prospered under her rule. She united the defragmented Catholics and Protestants who were constantly killing each other in the name of God. The Pope from Rome wanted her dead because unity means depletion of the power of the Catholic Church. Religion is poison in the hands of war mongering greedy leaders. Religion is lethal when politics wears it as a cloak.

There are many Queen Elizabeths out there. People, not man or woman but people who genuinely believe that religion shouldn't be abused. Jesus didn't establish a church, He didn't wage war. His teachings were for the good. He never meant for the Spanish Inquisition to shamelessly use religion to massacre those who didn't believe in the Catholic Church. But it was an exercise to accumulate power for the sovereign and the church.

The point is, religion is only a scapegoat for the deceit of man. In all that we participate in, you either have to be part of something, some association, some group, gather with some people who share some common interests. And if you start doing something different, you are ostracised, left out, demeaned.

This is reality. This is life.

I imagine myself smoking again.

Enjoying Laura Fygi

...nothing beats a deep set voice, creamy smooth music, dim lights, plain water and a great book. My idea of relaxation.

Yet it is so true that everyone has an ideal or a group of ideals. And unfortunately believe them to be the absolute truth. The comfort zone, place of sanctuary, the heavenly aura; whatever you call it. It is only a limitation.

It is difficult to find a mutual thinker. Maybe Howard Hughes would have been a great friend. His determination does not limit him but inspire him to think beyond time and space. Perhaps seeing the truth of things evolved his mind. It was why he became the way he was. But then we are all mad in our tiniest ways.

War only creates more war. Why do people fight and use force to control others?

In the end, my foes become nothing;
my friends become nothing;
i become nothing
all things become nothing.

But until then, what is it I must do?

Diva

I am crowded by much thoughts that don't seem to rest.
They are trying to put me to a test.
Maybe I do leck the zest
Insight and truth won't elude me nevertheless.

Many things happened lately. Some involved me directly and some vicariously through friends. But then when things do happen, I can surely put theory into practise. As well as I can be, I try to be patient. As well as I can be, I refrain from talking.

Certain feelings are meant to be kept in the heart. Untouched, unspoken and pure.
Because once spoken, many are armed with piercing words wanting to wound you.
Because once spoken, what's once pure becomes dusty.
But there is a change in all that I must preserve.
Beneath the starry light
I shall see your face again.

Walking Away

How fast are we to judge and decide who we like and dislike based on the most trivial of facts to the most extreme of circumstances. But facts and circumstances do change because this whole environment changes constantly.

The problem arises when the people refuses to change. They are stuck within a particular time frame of happiness, unhappiness, frustration or some form of emotional blockages. They hang on to such blockages as if they are real and as if these are life's only experience. But they are not. Life is wider, greater and freer than emotional cartridges.

There are times when I feel like walking away from it all.

Little Sister

Amidst all the miunderstandings and human conflicts that arise out of self-preservation, I have been blessed with a little sister. My #1 mui mui -Diana! Although I have never met her since she lives in the US, I surely know that she is one heck of a great singer! If she is my #1 mui mui, then I am her #1 fan! hahahaha

Well Di, glad to have you as my little sister! *hugs*

Love,
Wendy Jie Jie (#16)

Just one word...

...bliss.
I have so much of joy overflowing in me.
I don't feel words of evil.
Because I know that no one is right.
Not her, not him, not them.
Because they all start from the wrong premise.

But I have eternal bliss.
Because I feel free.
Because I see.
Only one prejudice replaces another.
The sins of the 5 senses.
Pity pity pity...

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Excited

Maybe I should post about my trip to HKG from the 15th - 18th of March. But everything happened so fast that I can't really recall what happened. I only know that my legs hurt bad and I am extremely tired. I walked and walked from HKG Island to Kowloon and bought bags of cds and two sets of tarot cards.

Of course I strolled along in tshirts and shorts and the temperature was between 16 - 21 degrees celcius. The locals were wrapped in windbreakers and scarves but I enjoyed the chill in the air which is completely lacking in Malaysia. Apparently the temparature will rise up to 42 degrees next Monday although I will be in Singapore by then.

Oh yes! I watched a concert in HKG; The Hong Kong Philharmonic Orchestra & Sally Yeh Live! which should be the reason why I went to HKG, heh. The show was good and Sally's singing matched up to the standards of classical-pop singing, whatever that is. But I did enjoy myself during the performance. No regrets in this sense. The atmosphere is never the same when watching a DVD.

I am off to Singapore in a couple of hours. To be honest, I am excited and am looking forward to it.

I don't plan to write anything heavy right now. Although I'd like to say "thou art that". Three simple words but of supreme significance.

Good night.

Before I forget

It has been bugging for two days. But I was too busy to pen it down until I couldn't hold back any longer. So I am stealing time from my client and colleagues to furtively pour my thoughts here.

Before it slips my mind to beneath the polished ego, I shall etch it clearly that I have been making the same error since I was 13. Nevertheless I deliberately forget for the temptation of self pity and sensuality are strong. They are not over powering the pillar of insight and balance but just darker, hotter, steamier and delicisously captivating. So they seem to be. Not them as in the physical sense but the thoughts. The ensnaring thoughts and the restless mind. A mind who craves for attention, activity, progress, companionship and a route AWAY from the inner self. A mind who seeks troubles that pleases the need for movements. But movements, which are unreal. So I believe that I moved or changed and most importantly learned.

Did I?

I am laughing out loud for being idiotic.

It is excruciatingly painful to put the unspeakable into words. But if it this the only way we can communicate, then please forgive the inaccuracies.

The answer is, no. I didn't change nor did I learn. It is merely a transference.

Swords penetrated the fragility of the five senses. It hurts; reality always does, doesn't it?

Soon, very soon the pull towards the darker side will come again.

The conflict begins. Perhaps, it merely continues.

HAPPY 1st ANNIVERSARY!

Jie jie, it is about us today! Friends for life.
March 10th, 2004 - March 10th, 2005

Lap, Jamboo Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Tai Chi

Grounding brings energy onto the centre. From the centre inside you, you reach out to the external world around. It becomes not a judgement, conditioned perceptions, a way of looking or a self-appeasing moral viewfinder but the Truth.

Only Truth can show you what is the self. This is not to be taken literally but on a spiritual level. Truth here has nothing to do with telling with anger and frustration openly what others have done wrong which again is based on your own lob-sided judgement. It has no connection with you blurting out the unfairness which has fallen upon you. Truth is not about others but yourself. Look inside and have a deep honest search. What is important when broken down is actually unreality.

Tai Chi helps you to keep your energy balanced. When there is "in" what follows is inevitably "out". What goes up must come down; is not to be dismissed as a juggling act. If applied to life, it gives us all more peace and insight. When we understand and apply it to life, we will know the Truth. The Truth on the other hand helps us to understand its' application.

What can be read from books of knowledge is merely a tip of the iceberg, left overs, speakable, writable and readable words irrespective of any language. But when you feel the energy in your centre as it nourishes your life, opening doors and breaking windows; then it transcends what words can't break through.

The Truth is there in bliss. Not to be searched, seeked and demanded. But just there awaiting an awakening silently.

Tea break

"A new experience isn't really new; it's just a slight twist on very familiar sensations. To open yourself to the unknown means cutting the ground out from under your familiar reactions and habits. Notice how often the same words come out of your mouth, the same likes and dislikes dictate what you do with your time, the same people fill your life with routine. All of this familiarity is like a shell. The unknown is outside the shell, and to encouter it, you have to be willing to welcome it in."

The Book of Secrets, Deepak Chopra

An autographed CD

I have been listening a lot to Alice Lau lately.

I mean really really really a lot.

Her voice is husky, deep, evocative and jazzy.

Something that brings out the blues.

Something soft and yet strong.

It is funny how one song changes your life.

One smile freezes time.

One picture captures an entire eternity.

Did I tell you that I listen a lot to Alice lately?

I have a date with Alice, you know.

If you love me, take me as I am.

Sometimes it can't be explained or even draw near to understanding how love works. How one person can mean very much to us. But then is it true love or merely an act of self-pleasure and attachment?

Love should be pure, undemanding and there should be total acceptance of the other person. How we want the person we love to do things to make us happy and to conform with our ideals. How we will shout, demean and threaten our beloved should there be non-compliance with what we want. Of course what follows are the criticisms, the fights and perhaps a break.

Very often do I fall into this trap. People who matter to me ranging from family to friends, all go through the shattering moments of my terms and conditions. Who am I to impose?

How we want those we love to endorse our actions with appreciation and admiration. But it belittles the greatness of our heart so much that it makes me sick.

When will the ego leave so that love is free?

Mind of Light

A drop of water has the tastes of the water of the seven seas: there is no need to experience all the ways of worldly life. The reflections of the moon on one thousand rivers are from the same moon: the mind must be full of light.

-- Hung Tzu-ch'eng (1593-1665)

Question: How do you keep a drop of water from drying?

Answer: By throwing it back into the sea.

Sometimes a single word, a simple look and one constructive sentence can cause a massive ripple in your awareness.

Here and There

Forgive my inconsistencies and unorganised thoughts in this post.

I think personally it is not easy to forego the past. Who can ever truly have such insights that the past is but empty? There is no time (past, present, future) but an illusion of the irrational mind. Chances are that if I attempted to tell this to anyone, I'd probably get beaten into pulp.

It is not that these people don't see it but they see it as being absurd. Honestly, the world is built on working towards the future. The psychological division of time is INDOCTRINATED into each and everyone living soul on earth. Every philosophical theory is centred on struggles and over coming struggles. It starts from "I" or "We" or the "state" which is a personification of a bigger "I". Man's relationship with nature, with himself and with his fellow brothers. It all falls back to the "I" whether as being supreme or subserviant.

Undoubtedly with the "I" comes all the seperations from birth to death. Every stage of life influences the next and the environment sneaks in to play devil's advocate. How can then the mind withstand such pulling forces from rationality and ultimately insight?

A physical revolution is merely a paradoxical game. Over throwing one ruling body only installs another authorised prejudice. Every system strives for perfection. Communisim didn't bring us equality but yet a sanctified power to treat everyone as an equal suffocating human rights. Where is equality before the law? No, I think the question is what is equality before the law? Don't even get to asking what is THE law?

Communism didn't work as in the books because man is forever caught in time. The ego is always too strong to give in to equality. Submission to the threat of the buying and selling power throws the entirety of mankind into loops of delusion.

It is the revolution of the mind that brings about peace. But it is a day too far in the distant that it becomes a forgotten dream. Many speak of it but who actually does it?

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I sometimes don't understand the games people play. To achieve what they believe as an ideal they refuse to listen, to bend backwards, to submit and to be kind. They uphold their gospel truths as the only method. They condemn others for being stubborn but aren't they the same for they too refuse to listen and to compromise?

I really don't understand... I only want to enjoy some good music. Is it too much to ask for?

I definitely don't understand. How can I make the same mistake TWICE?

Indiansed

I feel "Indian" today. I feel "Chinese" too and even "Malay", "Irish" and "African" and everything else.

I am hurt and I shall over come it and be non-hurt. I am becoming unhurt and project into the future an image of a stronger me. I will survive. But the problem is by wanting to become stronger and willfully fight the hurt or revenging on the person who brings me pain, I am maintaining the seperation of past, present and future; keeping this hurt in me but in another form. Entangled in psychological time. So by surpressing the hurt and becoming stronger in some future time, I am merely modifying this hurt and continue to being irrational. It is not about denying or escaping but to actually keep the hurt and feeding it with memories, experiences and thoughts.

Putting emotions and things into words merely corrupts what it is.

You know, I feel a change. Maybe an insight...

When are Pros made?

Under the most unexpected circumstances.

If anyone were to ask me what editing software I am using now, I would say Adobe Premiere Pro 1.5 and it is self-taught. I started off with a much simpler version for amateurs. For some odd reasons the simpler version refused to work and even after reinstalling XP, I was facing the same problem. I couldn't capture the videos in widescreen 16:9.

At the verge of giving up, I went out to buy another version of Adobe Premiere. Nevertheless, there weren't any to be found except for Adobe Premiere Pro 1.5! Even Adobe Premiere 7 was not on sale. I thought to myself, Pro 1.5 wouldn't be that difficult to master. Fingers-crossed!

Well Pro 1.5 solved my problem but it is one heck fo a sophisticated software. The common features of the much more user friendly interface of Adobe 6.5 were there. However there are so many additional buttons, icons and menus that threw me into perplexity.

It just proved one thing to me. Professionals are not meant to look out for "user friendly" stuff. They want control of the tiniest of details so that they could manipulate each function to create perfection. There should be room for them to change this and that; unlike amateurs who prefer clicking on only ONE button and everything is done. But the settings are fixed and the result is plain and unattractive. For the Pros, they want to tweedle every knob and button if possible to ensure that no stones are left unturned. But I am no pro, trust me.

I am being forced to learn an entirely "automaticless" software but I tell you this baby can truly perform wonders. Perhaps if I didn't have problems with the earlier version, it wouldn't have crossed my mind to venture into Adobe Premier Pro 1.5 and discover how much more this software can offer.

Yep, if it ain't broken, don't fix it. What is "IT"? The thing or our brains? The thing may not break after years but our brains would stop moving forward and this ladies and gentlemen is RETARDATION. Very bad for health.

Maybe it is a lesson, an indicator and a big whip on my arse telling me to move and think OUT of the box! Be a little more adventurous and not to decay in contentment.

Outch!

Out of the Blue, Red & Black

I have not abandoned anything yet. Because I am not at the stage of purity. My mind is still attached to beliefs, systems and much influenced by the society. The Noble Eightfold Path is harvesting and hopefully will ascend my pace to complete silence.

*right view
*right intentions
*right speech
*right action
*right livelihood
*right effort
*right mindfulness
*right meditation / concentration

Possibly I am pre-empting the whole process by going to the final stage, "right meditation." Thus my reading of Krishnamurti if not understood correctly will throw me off balance. He brings you deep inside and rattles the principles that you hold on so dearly. I reckon Krishnamurti acts as a reminder to all of us that in order to have a "right meditation" is NOT to have the right view, intentions, speech, action, livelihood and effort. I strongly believe that "right mindfulness" means to realise that there is no right or wrong. When our meditation reaches the stage of "right mindfulness" it is no longer stuck in worldliness and trivial issues of what is positive and negative. The principle of duality ceases to exist and there will once again be unity. It is not a situation whereby we choose between one good thought over another. What is good? What is bad? Whenever there is a choice, it already presents a conflict. And anything not being absolutely good or bad can never be absolutely postive or negative. Essentially what is good for me can be bad for you.

The pilot that nuked Hiroshima and Nagasaki ended World War II and became an acclaimed hero. But is he? Think. Someone's got to do the dirty job. How can anything be completely fair? How can anything be complete when the who universe is moving and changing? How can something outward such as justice, freedom, courage, fame, wealth, spirituality, religion be used to justify our inward needs? All these experiences make us who we believe we are. But they are outside influences. Do we ever sit down and free our mind from thoughts and memories? Can we do that? Will we? WHAT ARE WE WITHOUT OUR MEMORIES AND PAST?

We meditate on a thought; watch it rise; make note and not react - surpressing our desire to react. Is this the right kind of meditation when we take sides? A good thought, anger, envy, desire, hate etc. When we label each thought and give them names. When we note that they are thoughts; a whole list of conditionings. Think. What are we meditating on? Basically we are meditating on a barrage of unfair and biased events. Stealing is bad, killing is evil, adultry is immoral. So we can't meditate on such thoughts. Why? Where is our mindfulness? If we have the "right view" these thoughts shouldn't be discounted as negative and cast aside or played down. We have taken the wrong step since day one because we are educated, compelled and subtly moulded to think in a certain way. To JUDGE something as right and wrong. Outwardly this judgement makes sense but inwardly we are being selfish.

Just ask yourself, is there anyone in your life that you have never judged? You even judge yourself. And ask yourself, who are you to judge? When we judge we create seperations. Each thing you believe in creates seperations and distinctions no matter how we promote it to enhance communion.

Unless you are certain, don't meditate because it only encloses yourself to what you believe as good and you forcefully evade what you think as bad. Taken to extremes, Hitler too believed that Jews were evil and annihiliation was an appropriate action to take against them. Because even good can have a darker side which promotes genocide. What is the difference between a person who meditates on goodness and wants to stay in a world where only good people live, thus builds a community for good people and not mingle with the rest whom she thinks as evil and a dictator? Again, who is she to judge?

In the end, the Noble Eightfold Path cannot be taken literally but on a deeper and subconsious level. Take it as far as you want so long as your mind is pure. Perhaps Lord Buddha was wise to advise his followers not to follow Him but to charter their own path individually. You are the world. The world won't change unless you change.

Pathless is a Path too

It is excruciatingly difficult to not to be paradoxical. I was reading Krishnamurti yesterday night and realised how he was struggling to not fall into the loops of paradox. I thought I was the only crazy soul on Earth having this problem. It looks like there are others out there. Perhaps plenty.

I have not joined many organised religions but after just a few times of interactions, I began to withdraw myself. Initially I thought I was strange for not being able to fit in. Later I just know deep down that something is "wrong" with organised religions. That in the end I only worship the people and not the divine. I became bound by rituals and habits without knowing why. And after a while it doesn't matter if I don't know why. I am praising my self outwardly because I am part of a group. Identification with an established association - the Spiritualists. And the ego enlarges. "What a good girl I am for attending prayer classes. I am not in a pub drinking myself to death." But really, who am I to judge?

It is a wrong turn since the beginning. Even during Lord Buddha's time, his teachings were misunderstood. Perhaps even the World Honored One too were caught in paradox. How to explain something which can't be put into words but only when the mind is silent one can be experiencing? When put into words it solidifies into a thought which has an ego.

How to put into words something unknowable when words are threacherous and insufficient?

How to rely on words when they are used by humans sarcastically? To hurt others and inherently believe that we have a right to do so because I am defending myself. What defense can it be when being sarcastic means making a fool out of yourself? It is ill humour and the joke is only on the maker of the statements. Because right inside, the mind knows. But on the outside the ego acts in contradictions.

But then how good are words? How good is a path? How do I speak without words that ultimately disproved what I have just said? How do I avoid the incompleteness of words?

I shouldn't utter this in words but take it as a representation. I shall not seek. Not seeking is also seeking for something that should not be seeked.

Rambling on

Just some thoughts here and there...

*When one is not in tuned with day and night, one has lost the balance in self-nature. When it is day time one should move and work while at night it is time for resting, rejuvenation and contemplation. A time of peace and quiet. A young child is allocated time to study, work, play and rest. But as an adult he has lost this balance. During the day he is alert and fills his mind with activities. At night his activities do not stop but continue with lights, people, drinks, cars, streets, parties, games and noise. No time to rest and to reflect. Always on the go. The mind is always restless. When nature is the best mirror to look into we turn away from it foolishly. Animals divide their time neatly according to it but humans find this method boring. A mundane life is not worth living so it seems. But an interesting life grows with the flow of nature and not against it. When it is time to work, work. When it is time to sleep, sleep and sleep well. For it is in resting we prepare for the next battle. Perhaps we should stop from our busy schedule and listen to our body and to watch the sun and the moon. How much we can learn from them and to live in harmony with ourselves.

*Sometimes the same person can reach out and keep you warm, care for you and make you laugh until you pee in your pants, dish out insurmountable sincerity and love. The same person can also annoy, irritate, hurt and ignore your feelings. But these are the ingredients of a relationship. It is a little sweet, sour, bitter and salty although never out of love, consideration and trust.

*The difference between a person who seeks spirituality from books and a person who dedicates his whole life to a monastery is that the former knows the theory, understands his faults but rarely practises the good. While the later practises what he memorises to be good but rarely understands them. In the meantime people still fight and kill in the name of world peace.

Ciao!