Imaginations

Power comes to those who wait.
Power comes to those who know how to use it.
Power comes to those who do not take sides.
Power comes to those who do not rely on knowledge.
Power comes to those who are sincere.
Power comes to those who are free.

A Star is Born

29th September, 2005
I wish for your peaceful sleep tonight
Four decades and four years in flight
Your life is meaningful and bright
The break of dawn takes you to a greater height.

30th September, 2005
I wish for your everlasting happiness
Be blessed with eternal goodness
You receive the touch of holliness
And your every dream materializes.

Many blissful returns of the day!

With love on your Birthday as on any other day,
Wendy

Timeless

I don’t quite know how to talk to you
The communication doesn’t always break through
But that doesn’t stop me from loving you.

I don’t know what makes you smile
I will try everything, even if it is not worthwhile
Because I can’t stop loving you.

I don’t know why I do what I do
When the feelings start to rule
How much I really love you.

I don’t know if I am stupid and lost
Insane, brainless and a shameless ghost
All I know is I love you.

I know I won’t get anything in return
I didn’t ask for a kiss and a hug
All I want is only to love you.

With this love beating in my heart
I will give you all I can cast
You don’t know how truly I love you.
I really do…

Humility

If we were humble, nothing would change us - neither praise nor discouragement.

If someone were to criticize us, we would not feel discouraged.

If someone would praise us, we also would not feel proud.

~Mother Teresa

***

From the great Mother I learnt that when I surrender myself completely to God and keep my mind focused on the truth of reality and to pray whole-heartedly, there is no need to search for the meaning of life. Because then life is full and complete, as I am living in the image of God.

It is better to give than to receive, better to love then to be loved and better understand than to be understood. God is not kept as a symbol, an object, a crucifix and a being that I know subjectively and neither is God what others dictate to be but is accepted and known ultimately as a presence in everything.

Not to what I think thou art but to what thou knowest thyself to be.

Heartbeat

I have to get it very right. Why do I need a reply? Let not the emotions get to my head.

************

I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

A Letter to Father

Dear papa or should I call you daddy
Whatever, leave it - both names are silly
Maybe father as I always called you
If you remember, I am your kid too
I don't mean to be rude
My writing neurotic and crude
Even when you rest in peace
I caused you unease
The trees are quiet if you want to know
Awaiting a thunder to blow
As I write you this letter
Your image is a fetter
I don't know when was the last time we hugged
Not that I mind but when I saw you on the rug
Your face a little blue
What should I do?
Touching your hand seems so strange
Air suffocates your eyes estranged
For me to be there at that moment
To you it must be a torment
Your last seconds in the host
Before a person you dread most
Though I wished you lasted a little longer
For there is a question I have no answer
Should I get a reply
I wouldn't even ask why
It's the same puzzle torturing you
A confrontation overdue
The secret now lays burried
In death it shall be cherished
Your name I carry forever
The pain I forget never
How can I learn to cry?
A thunder sounds the evening sky
But it will never rain
No water to quench the grain
As I write you this letter
Your image is a fetter.

the threat of pride

Schopenhaeur once said, "You can do all you want but not WANT what you want." This didn't mean much to me during the initial times of reading. Nevertheless inspirational phrases are not words we admire aesthetically but rather are experiences that delineate life. What this points to is that it is good to be confident and lift your actions to a higher plane. Although what you want is to be conceited cloaked behind boldness and bravery. Do take heed that unless one is fearful, there is no need to be brave. Confidence is not the opposite of cowardice. Confidence is a natural glow from inside and is neither an act nor inaction.

Birthday Post

This picture has nothing to do with my birthday (20 Sept 2005). I just love it. I won't bother telling you who the lady in white is since you can't really see her face. As long as my heart knows, it is more than enough.

-----&-----

# Mummy, I love you for sentimental reasons.

# What is more remarkable and amazing than to start off a birthday by learning something new - RADIETHESIA. The best gift ever. Is science scientific? A result of science is only conclusive in so far as to prove the hypothesis it was set out to solve at a current time. This is true until a new hypothesis can prove the result incorrect. Another question, what amounts to being scientific? Who decides?

Three Leaves

"If you meet buddha on the road kill him" - it means do not follow him, make your own way...find the right path for you...if you are following others, you aren't true to yourself...kill the current idea of the buddha...that he was this christ like figure that must be a deity...he never wanted to be revered or remembered that way...

the two best allegories or symbolisms for buddhism are..."do not confuse the finger pointing to the moon with the moon"...and two..."buddhism is like an island in the middle of a lake..it will not tell you what you will find on the island...it will tell you to go find out for yourself.

typing out the words is easier than actually doing what the words are formed to convey...how to find a path and where to begin...is there a beginning...should i give up my entire possession to find this path.

if you read books on buddhism it appears that buddha did prescribe a method for willing folks...but as you read and absorb what he teaches you end-up admiring him and turned him into a divine protector of your life.

this mistake is very simple to make...because the buddha is someone sacred...an enlightened human being one tends to elavate his status and worshipping inevitably starts.

maybe it is human nature to want to idolise or make something or someone else more superior...to be alone means one does not exist...and this is a general presumption that one makes of themselves and others...for example there must be someone i love / admire...does the name sally yeh ring a bell...i am sarcastic and it may hit others as well but it is aimed at me...please don't think it is personal.

it need not be sally yeh...even religion can be an object of admiration turning out fanatics and murderers...it works on similar principles but the outcome is different...idolising sally yeh is more of an escape route taken by fans to get away from unpleasantness...i won't deny that sally makes me feel good and it does make me feel special and this is what fans look for...a hero they can relate to... one which completes their wildest dreams and imaginations...denying that sally-loving is not something that makes a fan feel nice is a blatant lie...might as well own up to it...cut the bullocks on only wanting to keep sally happy etc...another denial.

how did we get here...anyway...sally yeh is worshipping in a mildest form...as in there isn't any sally yeh temple around yet...no don't think i am saying it is wrong to love sally...i don't mean it this way...it has to happened because the events have turned out this way a fan has to go through the process...it is not a matter of it being fair or not but living the experience and letting it go.

i can go on for ages about attachment...but there is one thing i'd like to make known here...attachment is part of the noble truths...buddha said desires and thirst cause sufferring...and this in turn brings about a karmic reaction...but desires are also brought about by karma...and if you don't get it by now we are talking about a cycle...there is no beginning and ending...you can't find a spot and declare it as a starting point...to end this suffering is not by denying and finding excuses but to actually understand it...truly understanding it...so that another condition would not arise to bring about another attachment...but please remember that it is a karmic reaction...one must still bear the consequences even after understanding and seeing the truth...one can't escape from it but one is then ready to accept it and it ends completely...no more conditions arising.

finished.

Dear Alice,

I pray for your speedy recovery. Get well soon.

Love,
Wendy

Follow Your Heart

Music & Lyrics : Paul Barry & Mark Taylor
Performed by : Mario Frangoulis

Every little tear you cry
Leaves your heart so heavy
Every time you hear goodbye
You wonder will it ever end

There's nothing I can tell you
The world moves on and on
But I still believe in LOVE

Follow your heart
Wherever it takes you
Nobody knows
Where the wind blows
No one can say

Follow your derams
Whenever they find you
Lost and alone
The light in the storm
Will always be with you
If you follow your heart

When the world's a little crazy
The truth's so hard to find
But I still believe in LOVE

Follow your heart
Whenever it takes you
Nobody knows
Where the wind blows
No one can say

Follow your dreams
Wherever they find you
Lovers and friends
THEY FADE IN THE END
But the love that's inside you
Grows stronger inside you
Will always be with you
Follow your heart.

This is the theme of my life. It is extremely well crafted in this song and beautifully sung by Mario.

All or nothing

Having a choice means not having freedom.

Timothy can either pick A or B though he wants to have A and B. He doesn't have an option. He can only take one and abandon the other. This tantamounts to figuring out which one is better, cheaper, faster and prettier. In the end Timothy chooses the one which gives him the highest amount of happiness.

He thinks he is free to choose but does he? When one has total freedom and not curtailed freedom dictated by what the government orders, friends think, family believes and religion dictates there is no need for choice. What Timothy has is conditioned freedom because the decision he makes is influenced by many factors and so how can anyone be free under such circumstances?

When one is free, there is no need to choose anything. The answer is already there and there will be no confusion, fights and misunderstanding.

Timothy is not free and so am I.

Hole with a view

what we see and know now, is only a dot of infinity.

The problem is we think we know everything. Thinking we are smart is really dangerous. The potential of mind shutting is actualized. After that the talk becomes face value. The conversations run around trivial and dramatized notions. We stretch the surface without going deeper and exploring other perceptions. The rest of the doors are sealed and shut because we think such doors don't exist. There is only one door way.

It is a struggle to break free from walking in and out one door way. This only brings to mind rejection and failing to fit in. The question to ask is compliance that important? Following orders have become our nature and we do it without blinking.

Shouldn't following our heart be something we do without blinking? It is not even a conscious act but an automated field of actions. Because in this one act plants the seed of past, present and future. It is known with wisdom and not just knowledge.

Look further, Contemplate deeper

Inwardly be free of all hopes and desires, but outwardly do what needs to be done. Without hopes in your heart, live as if you were full of hopes. Live with your heart now cool and now warm, just like everyone else. Inwardly give up the idea "I am the doer," yet outwardly engage in all activities. This is how to live in the world, completely free from the least trace of ego.

-Maharamayana

HURRICANE KATRINA SURVIVORS and VICTIMS

While I was lamenting how I can't have what I want and why certain things have worked against a pre-planned timetable, I was a complete idiot. It is indeed true and I could have done my prayers a million times, I won't understand the meaning of impermanence until it collides with the ignorance on my part. Everything changes and nothing really lasts forever. Unfortunately, each time something I want dissipates from my vision, there is anger. In the midst of this anger, I failed to see the actual fruits of my labour because I was blinded by wrath and the feeling of disappointment. If only there was more patience, I could have spotted the light.

It puts me to shame to be extremely short sighted and for not being able to understand and receive the universal language of love. Here we have a catastrophic disaster in New Orleans, all beyond anyone's control which led to multitudes of death and property damage. The amount of looting, rapes, fights and fires that broke out in the wake of devastation really puts a big question to compassion and kindness. What happened to mankind? Unity seems to have diminished and have been digested by the selfishness of the moments.

The endorsement of "I am this and I am that" definitely helped to harden the heart. Every man for himself and every woman for herself. In this age of self-preservation, is there any more room for unconditional love? Can I even get near the shadow of love. I am not talking about love for pleasure, ownership and control. But I am talking about love that is beyond the comprehension of words. Infinite love.

Sincere wishes to New Orleans. May you soon find and embrace the light.

the core

Why do you scream? Why do you jump? Why do you do the things you do?
What motivates everything? What is the intention behind my writing this?

I really don't know. Because the deeper I dwell, the more it becomes unclear. I don't find definitions working any longer.

Is it my mind or yours when you pretend that you don't care. It is such a joke because people repress themselves so much. For what? To be cool seems to be the common answer. It annoys me to no end when people don't get it that an honest answer or action comes from within and not from what the society says.
When someone doesn't follow the crowd, s/he believes that s/he must fight agaisnt this and that. In other words, be rude and fight for what they believe they want - I am ORGINAL. These group of people are just so wrong and ignorant. Because what they are doing is endorsing ruthlessness and hatred in society. The society functions in a battle-style. A vs B, left vs right and so on. On the other hand, merely following instructions leaves one in a mechanical trance.

However looking at this whole mess which the world is in, nothing seems to be a solution so long as it is merely addressing things on a superficial level. The world does not need another religion, another nuclear weapon, another exotic island, another luxurious car and another assassination.

All these shit I go through with friends or whatever they call themselves only prove one point. No one is sincere. You scratch my back and I scratch yours is the name of the game. But I don't buy it. Not any longer. I am tired.

What is happening to my mind now?

the print of love

the best story book you can ever read is someone's face. but how often do you really look someone on the face and watch carefully every line, every movement and every frackle and the twitching of the mouth. do you ask what does the tiny detail mean?

maybe it is uneasy to always look at a person and it causes intense discomfort for both parties. alternatively, you would send out the wrong messages if you stare too long at a person from the opposite sex. in the context of the society currently, it is rude and intrusive if you watch a person without averting your eyes even once. it becomes an act of visual interrogation and definitely not welcomed.

face study is very interesting because literally, a person's life and behaviour are charted on the face if you know how to decode the secrets. the movement of face muscles are either voluntary or involutary. when one smiles on demand that is a voluntary movement of the face. however when someone smiles because of immense pleasure, the eyes curve a little more. this micro movement is involuntary and it is almost impossible to contract the muscles around the eyes in this way voluntarily. the movement on the face can be so small that you would probably miss it if you blink, but it is there. it is this tiny movement that speaks of the person's true character because these movements are the result of trying to hide one's intention.

this skill of face reading is exceptionally useful for police, lawyers, judges and virtually everyone. how do you know if someone is lying or is angry but hide it so well? film directors should learn this art and give proper directions to actors when shooting a scene.

perhaps one thing does lead to another. once you have learnt to decode facial expressions, the biggest fear is that the face is the exact print of the heart.

what is your print?

airborne

i want to have a relationship with you
not one if you are cute and sweet, it makes me happy
i don't want you to only entertain and take me for ecstatic rides
i don't want you to merely smile at me from high above
and pat my shoulder once in a while.

i want a relationship which it is real
i know we are far apart
it is not our calling to be together
there are many demands
there is only one solution.

i don't want to keep you for myself
i don't wish to fend others away
i want a relationship
that you and i see eye to eye
and i can call you a friend.

slowly

we are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens.
greek philosopher, Epictetus

When is my prime?

Casey looked at herself in the glass. She smiled but from the reflection she saw a frown. She scrutinized the complicated mixer in front of Joe, the sound engineer and saw, “Mic 2 – Volume.” She was assigned Mic 2 however; it did not matter if she was given a baton or torchlight. Because regardless of what she did on stage, teeming young fans would tear down Hong Kong coliseum, gifts and praises poured like spells of rain and she would be the Best Newcomer of 2003.

The cup of coffee she was holding cleansed the musty smell of electricity in the stuffy control room. Hot air scattered near Joe’s left ear. He turned and looked at Casey, “What is it that you want this time, Ms. Superstar?” He sounded impatient but dare not annoy the on demand pop idol.

“Oh, nothing. Err… I just want to bring you a cup of coffee. Hee hee.” Casey smiled bashfully, piercing Joe with a set of oval-shaped diamond eyes. Nervously, she passed the cup of coffee to him. Shaking his head, Joe accepted the offer and reluctantly placed it on the floor; a gesture indicating that she ought to disappear now.

Nonetheless, she plastered her slender legs to the floor. She tapped his shoulder and asked, “Do you think I am pretty?”

“I don’t know.” Joe replied sternly.

While Casey was bombarding Joe with childish questions, they did not realize that two inexperienced assistant sound engineers, Donnie and Wai were watching them closely. These eager souls wished their ears had wings that could fly nearer and record what Casey and Joe were on about.

“Wai, I told you what the newspapers said are true. They are having an affair. She did visit him in the house.”

“Of course! I notice that Casey is always watching out for Joe and tries to talk to him all the time. Too bad we can’t hear what they are whispering to each other.”

“Donnie! Look! She is passing him a love letter and a CD.” Wai’s eyes enlarged so big that they were about to jump out.

Casey thanked Joe and walked away. She skipped pass Donnie and Wai, who pretended to untie a roll of wires. The two giggled and each brewed nasty thoughts about the innocent young singer.

In the dressing room, top make-up artist and hairstylist were fussing over Casey who was due to accept an award and to perform in 15 minutes. She was extra anxious that evening because she left her heart in the control room. “Would Joe do it? What happens if he doesn’t?” She repeatedly asked herself until she didn’t realize that her manager David was signaling her to get ready. He pointed to his wristwatch signifying that it was time. She felt a gush of panic serum infused into her blood stream. Her legs clutched into a spasm and she shut her eyes to cut away the fame and glory for a few moments.

Both the artists smiled in gratification. Their masterpiece was about to reveal herself in public. Casey smiled too as she always did whether she was happy or sad. After a while, she felt numb and couldn’t tell the difference between being happy or sad, good or bad and love or hate.

“Casey, darling. You are on. Remember to stay cute and flash that smile of yours.” David grinned as he wrapped his arms around her.

He moved closer and murmured, “This award is important. You should be proud that you won. Don’t disappoint the company. Put on a good show.”

The guest presenters announced the name of the winner. Joe stared into space after reading Casey’s letter. He caught sight of Casey walking vibrantly upstage and she smiled. He watched her every move and cold sweat formed on his forehead. His fingers fiddled with the control switch.

The letter lay on the floor next to a cold cup of coffee, the earlier hot coffee that Casey brought to Joe. He picked up the letter and read it again.

DEAR JOE,

I am sorry for causing you so much of troubles. For the past two weeks, I was hanging around you because I found out that you are the chief sound engineer of the award show. Yeah, the one where I will be presented the Best Newcomer title, which I don’t think I deserve. I know you are the only person who can help me but each time I see you, I don’t have the courage to ask you. So, my last chance is to write you this letter. I hope you will read it before it is too late.

Everyone knows I cannot sing and I even sound terrible on CD. What am I doing in this industry? How can my fans support me? Just because I have a pretty face. I feel that I am lying to the whole world especially to the fans that spend their money to buy my records. Who can sing about KFC, McDonanld’s and Pizza Hut but me?

I watched Sally’s 25th anniversary concert and that prompted me to think and re-evaluate where I am. If I want to be a singer, Sally is the person I so deeply wish I can be. She has a beautiful voice, flawless showmanship and what motivated me most was her sincerity to herself, her fans and music. These are the qualities that I don’t have. I am not even sincere to myself. There must be a reason why she is still going strong after 25 years. Where would I be after 25 years if I continue the way I am? When is my prime? Having a pretty face wouldn’t last me for 1 year what more one quarter of a century.

During the concert, I sat quite near to Sally’s fans. They sang, shouted and screamed her name. “Sally, we love you! We love you!” I know they meant it and Sally deserved every support she gets from fans who came from all over the world. I even saw a Western gentleman who truly enjoyed her show. When can I ever perform like her and touch the hearts of my fans with my sincerity and talent and not with a plastic face?

So, Joe I understand that this could cause you your job and your reputation are at stake. I won’t force you to do it but I hope that you will think about it. When it is time for me to perform, boost the volume on Mic 2 and play the CD I passed to you. And leave the rest to me. I know this will cause me everything but what is it that I have earned so far which has not been pre-arranged? For once, I want to do something for myself and for my fans. I want to sing!

Thank you.

With deepest appreciation,
Casey

PS: I owe you my life.

Soon after the master of ceremony pronounced that Casey will perform her “Fast Food Chain” song, a million screams were heard from among the crowd. Casey smiled but her eyes were set on Joe. Although she was miles away from him, he could feel the pleas from her gaze. What should he do?

Joe inserted Casey’s CD. The music began to pump and Casey tried to speak from her microphone but could not hear a sound. She was disheartened. The dancers pounced onto the stage and circled around her. She was nailed put and continued to gawk towards the control room.

“Please, Joe. Help me.” Casey begged with tears forming in her eyes and she knelt down on the ground.

Even when she was not singing, her frail voice was heard circulating in the coliseum as it was broadcasted from the control room.

Suddenly, Joe stopped the CD and turned on the volume of Mic 2. The audience could hear Casey sobbing uncontrollably and one person started clapping. In no time everyone else cheered in unison.

Casey stood up slowly and placed the microphone to her mouth. “Hello.” She uttered but still trying to catch her breath. She closed her eyes and counted to five and opened them again. At that precise moment, she could see for the first time what she was doing on stage clearly and understood the purpose of existence. She knew she had to fight for what she believed in.

“I am sorry. But I can’t accept this award because I don’t deserve it.” There was a complete silence in the coliseum while David nearly choked on his saliva.

“I apologize to everyone here, especially to my recording company and more so to my fans. Every time I hold this mic in my hand, I feel like a liar and I am cheating each and every one of you. I know by my actions tonight, I will lose everything. But it is ok. They were never mine to begin with. I am tired of pretending.”

Casey paused. Not a single person made a movement or said a word. They were hypnotized by the guts and honesty she emanated. David on the other hand was very worried if he would be terminated by his employer. Before she could do further damage, he ran to the control room but it was a little too behind schedule.

“Prior to my leaving and say goodbye forever, I wish to do one more thing. At least give me a chance to be truthful, just once. Let me sing for you with this microphone. Volume on. Thank you.” Casey held the microphone up like Lady Liberty and flashed a smile to the spectators. One by one, those present clapped and in the end all gave her a standing ovation.

Casey looked at Joe and as though understanding her cue, he played the CD, which she gave to him in the morning. A familiar tune filled the air and it was not a melody from her album.

“I know this is not my song. I wonder if I will get into trouble for singing it but I hope Miss Sally Yeh won’t mind. I really love this song. Sally is a singer whom I respect and love the most from the bottom of my heart and I wish to sing this song because it will mean a lot to me.”

The audience cheered even louder and with her eyes fixed on them for the last time, she sang the second verse of “Ling See Sap Fan”, the 1984 hit which propelled Sally to success. One must admit that Casey was not exactly a singer with a voice but what shined through that evening was her sincerity.

Joe picked up the cup of cold coffee from the floor and took a sip. “You don’t owe me anything now.”

Cart

Nandi, the scared bull is the vehicle of Lord Shiva. Lord Shiva is a manifestation of the one, the universe and the trimurthi in the form of a destroyer. He is in a meditative position and when he awakens and opens his eyes, he gets up to dance. The world is destroyed.

This is a beautiful mythology because it sinks in us the need to create and to destroy, to hold on and to release. Because even if we collected all energy in us, we have to discharge them. Only then would new things come about and we are not caught in the struggles of time. Past and future are all we know but we never understand what is present.

I think the most vivid example I can use is my recent uncontrolled craze for Sally Yeh (popular Hong Kong singer-actress). The many who have encountered with me during the past one week would have seen me floating in a daze. Although the event is over, it perpetuates in my mind. I am trying to maintain the happiness I feel for as long as possible. At the same time I plan for the future that should I meet up with Sally again, I want the goodness I felt two weeks ago to continue forever.

The wonderful time I had with Sally is not something I should cling on to and use it as a cushion to keep myself comfortable. This is a pathway to being obsessive. It is always very painful to let go of something beautiful but this pain is obviously self-generated. The mind uses a good memory to defend itself against other miseries and surrows that are actually inflicted by the same mind!

How do you keep a drop of water from evaporation? By throwing it back into the ocean. It is only by letting go, Sally will remain radiant and free. It is full of contradictions and how can some thing that I let go remains with me? It is not a physical release. It is not about riping her posters from the wall, selling her cds and giving away news clippings to other fans. These methods are purely external acts to show others like a charlatan wearing a yellow robe.

When Lord Shiva gets up, ignorance is dispelled. When he dances, attachment to worldly pleasures and security are destroyed. When I am free from Sally, I truly love her. Because the love then is no longer one of self-satisfaction ie. if Sally smilles at me she likes me, if Sally talks to me she prefers me, if Sally does not look at me she hates me, if I let her sign too many posters she will be angry. When my action and inaction no longer are dependent on a result that will benefit me, I truly love her. Because there is no me. The ego is completely destroyed. The world in its illusionary form is destroyed. What I see are Sally and everyone else and me as the universe. Then, I truly love Sally. There are no demands, no judgements, no prejudice and inequality.

People are busy, educated and proud for "mystic mumbo-jumbo" and the quest for the spiritual grail. In the end, you are known for where you lived, what is your profession, where you studied, who do you know, what clothes you wear , how much you earn a month, who are your idols, what sports do you play, what books do you read and what car do you drive. But the missing thing in all these material wealth is you will never know what is life because to know life is to place the bull before the cart and not the cart before the bull. Nandi, your spiritual companion will lead you through life and illuminate your mind. Only when you free yourself from the ideas, concepts and systems that you place the cart behind the bull, and allow a spiritual and mystical journey to unfold.