Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product. -Eleanor Roosevelt
It is only immature people who believe, "I am separate; therefore, I can manipulate you, even exploit you, to ensure my own happiness." To think that we can pursue joy as a collector pursues butterflies, seeking it here and there, is folly. We cannever go after joy because joy has got to come after us.
It's like the horizon. When you look from the Berkeley hills, the horizon looks as if it is just beyond the Golden Gate. You honestly believe that if you go there, you will reach the horizon. But as you pursue it, it recedes farther and farther, and that is the nature of pleasure. It peeps out from the store, the restaurant, the bank, but when you enter there you will find it recedes farther and farther.
When we begin to seek a higher goal - for the welfare of our family and community - joy slowly tiptoes after us. We don'thave to say to joy, "Excuse me, will you please come to my house?" Joy will come and put her suitcase down and say, "I am going to be here, whether you like it or not."
That is how happiness comes.
-Eknath Easwaran-
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
hand
………and there came a time when MIND returned from journeying throughout the universe and went to examine the affairs of Man
and when MIND looked into the hands of Man, it wept
yet some earthling hands reached up and caught MIND’S tears which they used, to cleanse Man’s wounds and heal his hurts
Thus was MIND comforted, and stayed a while to dwell again with Man
~ John Benedict
and when MIND looked into the hands of Man, it wept
yet some earthling hands reached up and caught MIND’S tears which they used, to cleanse Man’s wounds and heal his hurts
Thus was MIND comforted, and stayed a while to dwell again with Man
~ John Benedict
Monday, April 03, 2006
thank you
I guess I have taken you for granted lately. Maybe because my expectations were high during the meeting. You did promise something more in the letters and those events didn't come true. I kept looking for the reasons why by first putting the blame on you and then conjuring guilt within myself and finally I just got depressed. In the midst of feeling upset, I realised one crucial factor which is I never felt grateful for all that was given to me but instead compared them with others whom I believe have more.
But you have given me something special and I was too greedy to see and to be thankful.
My dear lady, I send to you sincerely all my love and gratitude.
ps: I will be there for you, if you need me. always.
But you have given me something special and I was too greedy to see and to be thankful.
My dear lady, I send to you sincerely all my love and gratitude.
ps: I will be there for you, if you need me. always.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
spin-feet
Funny how one song can change your mood. I particularly enjoy listening to the waltz. There is something exceptionally flighty and carefree about it. Perhaps it is the beat; 1, 2, 3, 1,2,3 and the continuous flow of the rhythmic patterns. You feel as if the first and the last note of the melody are linked and inseperable. There is no time for one to breathe for the music goes on and on and yet one doesn't feel breathless. There is so much of energy being encapsulated by the spins and turns. As you swirl into the arms of another whether real or imaginary, the vitality in you discharges and rejuvenation takes place. As a result of which you become refreshed because you don't store-up unused power.
The waltz is always magnetic and to a certain level grand. Walk into a ballroom filled with elegantly dressed couples and they dance with assimilation to the sounds of a regal orchestra. As they waltz, the man gently wraps his hand around the curves of the lady while the lady in turn places her hand lightly on his shoulder. A sacred space is kept between the two whereby distance is respectfully maintained. But the other hand clutched each other tightly as if to bolt a ship to the ground. And they move back and forth melting into the music becoming united as they waltz the night away.
The waltz is always magnetic and to a certain level grand. Walk into a ballroom filled with elegantly dressed couples and they dance with assimilation to the sounds of a regal orchestra. As they waltz, the man gently wraps his hand around the curves of the lady while the lady in turn places her hand lightly on his shoulder. A sacred space is kept between the two whereby distance is respectfully maintained. But the other hand clutched each other tightly as if to bolt a ship to the ground. And they move back and forth melting into the music becoming united as they waltz the night away.
Friday, March 31, 2006
hugs
It is not easy to always look inside and be able to express what I actually feel. Very often I beautify or horrify the intensity of what I see. This happens when there is no understanding.
I remember very clearly how I felt when I picked up the phone to hear my father's stammering voice. I never expected that my mother would die despite being so ill. She was bed-ridden for almost a year after having her left leg amputated. A diabetic for nearly 30 years the ailments that attacked as a result of blocked blood vessels and dying nerves made her living conditions deplorable. With all the comfort money can buy, she couldn't possibly sleep for 1 hour without pains. She was on haemodialysis for 8 years and she died while the machine drew blood out from her body for cleansing since the kidneys mulfunctioned nearly a decade ago.
I can still hear it at night when all is quiet. Just at the back of my mind; the moans and the cries. I could still hear the murmurring of damning words but directed to who? I pitied and loved my mother dearly and I hated myself for not being able to do anything. I would cover my ears with two pillows and pretend that nothing had happened. After a while an unassuming guilt crept all over me. I let go of the tear-soaked pillows. I felt the warmth of the tears trickling down my cheeks. The water seeped into my favorite plush toy. I looked at its smiling bunny face and said, "Do you feel it too? You are crying as well. Let me get you a tissue."
There was never once that I would walk to my mother's room to give her a hug; to let her know that I am there and she will be alright. Maybe she was waiting for that, waiting for the support from her only child. But I failed to give her what was needed.
I recall the way she looked at me when she was pushed into the operation theatre, where they sawed off a piece of her limb. The procedure was delicate because my mother was a diabetic and her heart conditions were unfavorable. That last look as if she would never see me again. I still have visions of that when I close my eyes. When I sleep I dream of that too and I struggle to regain consciousness.
I spent 26 years in the house I live in now, with my mother. After her death I decided to renovate the whole house providing it with cosmetic changes. But it never worked for the essence remains the same. Her foot prints cannot be scrapped and removed. I can demolish the house and rebuild the entire structure, her spirit remains. It is not in the house but in every breath I take and every cell in my body; she is there. I am a part of her and when she died that part died too.
One should never take another for granted. Everything we have and embrace will soon be a passing age. Treasure each and every moment whether the moment is good or bad because sometimes a bad moment is all that we have left together.
I remember very clearly how I felt when I picked up the phone to hear my father's stammering voice. I never expected that my mother would die despite being so ill. She was bed-ridden for almost a year after having her left leg amputated. A diabetic for nearly 30 years the ailments that attacked as a result of blocked blood vessels and dying nerves made her living conditions deplorable. With all the comfort money can buy, she couldn't possibly sleep for 1 hour without pains. She was on haemodialysis for 8 years and she died while the machine drew blood out from her body for cleansing since the kidneys mulfunctioned nearly a decade ago.
I can still hear it at night when all is quiet. Just at the back of my mind; the moans and the cries. I could still hear the murmurring of damning words but directed to who? I pitied and loved my mother dearly and I hated myself for not being able to do anything. I would cover my ears with two pillows and pretend that nothing had happened. After a while an unassuming guilt crept all over me. I let go of the tear-soaked pillows. I felt the warmth of the tears trickling down my cheeks. The water seeped into my favorite plush toy. I looked at its smiling bunny face and said, "Do you feel it too? You are crying as well. Let me get you a tissue."
There was never once that I would walk to my mother's room to give her a hug; to let her know that I am there and she will be alright. Maybe she was waiting for that, waiting for the support from her only child. But I failed to give her what was needed.
I recall the way she looked at me when she was pushed into the operation theatre, where they sawed off a piece of her limb. The procedure was delicate because my mother was a diabetic and her heart conditions were unfavorable. That last look as if she would never see me again. I still have visions of that when I close my eyes. When I sleep I dream of that too and I struggle to regain consciousness.
I spent 26 years in the house I live in now, with my mother. After her death I decided to renovate the whole house providing it with cosmetic changes. But it never worked for the essence remains the same. Her foot prints cannot be scrapped and removed. I can demolish the house and rebuild the entire structure, her spirit remains. It is not in the house but in every breath I take and every cell in my body; she is there. I am a part of her and when she died that part died too.
One should never take another for granted. Everything we have and embrace will soon be a passing age. Treasure each and every moment whether the moment is good or bad because sometimes a bad moment is all that we have left together.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
the call
As we wake up in the morning, what is the first question that triggers our half-awakened mind? Sometimes it comes in a flash that we easily ignore as we rub our dreary eyes. But can we be alert as we come out of slumber so that we take note of the first call of light? Then in such circumstances we are alert not forced by a guru or meditation books but it is an act without the mind.
Whatever you do, make it an offering to me – the food you eat, the sacrifices you make, the help you give, even your suffering. – Bhagavad Gita
We can’t give anyone joy or security by increasing her bank account or adding to his collection of vintage wines. Of course, a well-chosen gift given at the right time is always welcome, but whatever the gift, we should guard against the nagging expectation of getting something in return. The moment we expect reward or recognition, we are making a contract.
Even parents and children suffer from this contractual relationship. Parents can help their children tremendously by avoiding the “I did this for you, therefore you do that for me” approach, encouraging them instead to follow their own star.
In the spiritual lore of India, it is said that God whispered only one word in our ears when he sent us into the world: “Give.” Give freely of your time, your talent, your resources; give without asking for anything in return. This is the secret of living in joy and security.
~~~
Whatever you do, make it an offering to me – the food you eat, the sacrifices you make, the help you give, even your suffering. – Bhagavad Gita
We can’t give anyone joy or security by increasing her bank account or adding to his collection of vintage wines. Of course, a well-chosen gift given at the right time is always welcome, but whatever the gift, we should guard against the nagging expectation of getting something in return. The moment we expect reward or recognition, we are making a contract.
Even parents and children suffer from this contractual relationship. Parents can help their children tremendously by avoiding the “I did this for you, therefore you do that for me” approach, encouraging them instead to follow their own star.
In the spiritual lore of India, it is said that God whispered only one word in our ears when he sent us into the world: “Give.” Give freely of your time, your talent, your resources; give without asking for anything in return. This is the secret of living in joy and security.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
junction-Y
I was caught-up in a rhythm and cycle of life and death.
Some expectations didn't come true but some revelations shone through my battered eyes.
You and me, we are meant to be the way we are.
I shouldn't even try to change your character when your personality runs deep.
I shouldn't change mine to satisfy your demands.
It is healthy.
Some expectations didn't come true but some revelations shone through my battered eyes.
You and me, we are meant to be the way we are.
I shouldn't even try to change your character when your personality runs deep.
I shouldn't change mine to satisfy your demands.
It is healthy.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
the prayer
I expect to pass this way only once. So any good that my bliss dictates, let me do it to the fullest with no regrets. Let me do it with kindness, love, gratitude and consideration. Let me receive with kindness, love, gratitude and consideration. Let me not bring hurt and misunderstanding to my fellow brothers and sisters but let me not forget my heart's desire.
Let me love wholeheartedly for I shall not pass this way again.
03:23-26:06
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Friday, March 17, 2006
from my heart
You don't know how HAPPY I am when I received your message. Words cannot express my deepest gratitude. Thank you for giving me this chance. I will truly treasure it. (If you do visit, I am sure you can sense that I am referring to you! *muaks*)
Nothing is perfect; yet we all strive for everything to be flawless. And we wonder why this world is in chaos.
~~~
Nothing is perfect; yet we all strive for everything to be flawless. And we wonder why this world is in chaos.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
autumn birth
We all need someone special in our life. It is the same for me and I won't deny it. There are things which I did that would seem silly, outrageous and even selfish not to anyone else but to me. However there is no point in judging facts because once I do I am in conflict and it is wasting energy. I have desires for if I don't I am as good as dead. But letting desires run wild is equally as good as dead. The issue is not about learning how to control because control means repression. A repressed person is angry as he is forever in conflict. It is about acceptance, awareness and paying attention. When I was young I used to say, "I will never let the person I love to destroy me." I didn't understand the significance of such statements. Although I said them to show that I am mature, capable and inevitably it is a sign of arrogance. After nearly 15 years I will rephrase the statement to, "I will not destroy a person because of love."
Good night.
Good night.
Sunday, March 12, 2006
watching
I talked to the moon and the stars tonight. They greeted me with blinking smiles and I rejoiced in their presence.
Friday, March 10, 2006
HAPPY 2nd ANNIVERSARY!
We have been through lots of good times and had our bad times too. But one thing is for sure, I am glad that you are still around and still my good friend, my dearest Jie Jie. If I am as rare as the moon, then you must be the SUN!
With love and gratitude,
Ah Dee
seeds
You add salt on where you bleed
Then you scream and you weep
You blame the world when you got hit
But did you look before you leap?
In your heart you sprout a black seed
The pains of failure are in the creep
Before you begin you start to quit
Yesterday’s foul breath still you keep.
The black seed grows and consumes you deep
Why do you hate when it’s your choice to sleep?
A barrage of needles under your feet
Acupuncture reverses and hurts in heaps.
Like a bat blinded during a night trip
By the darkness so bright you failed to peep
Happiness is in all that you meet
Wake up, rinse your mouth and remove the black seed!
(c) Wendy Loh Lai Si 2006
Then you scream and you weep
You blame the world when you got hit
But did you look before you leap?
In your heart you sprout a black seed
The pains of failure are in the creep
Before you begin you start to quit
Yesterday’s foul breath still you keep.
The black seed grows and consumes you deep
Why do you hate when it’s your choice to sleep?
A barrage of needles under your feet
Acupuncture reverses and hurts in heaps.
Like a bat blinded during a night trip
By the darkness so bright you failed to peep
Happiness is in all that you meet
Wake up, rinse your mouth and remove the black seed!
(c) Wendy Loh Lai Si 2006
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
from the heart
This ode is written by a well respected and spritually endowed friend of mine. Divine blessings for him and his family. Metta.
ODE TO MY FATHER
It was only when my dad left this world that I realized how much I had taken for granted those moments in time that were spent with him. Looking back, instead of treasuring those precious moments that were scarcely available to him, I was someone in a hurry to get back to KL after the obligatory Chinese New Year reunion.
My dad left us most unexpectedly and the pain that came upon me was grievous and overwhelming. He waited long enough for me to arrive just in time before he exhaled his final breath. I felt like a little lost child, his father no longer in sight … How strange for one in his late forties with a family of his own to feel like this. I know now that the worst days of a bereavement are the day that a loved one dies and the days after the burial. Years ago my father sobbed uncontrollably when his own father's funeral was over. I was too young to understand then but I do now.
My only consolation is that my dad had gladly received a copy of the earthquake charity musical VCD which my daughter and I organized last December. Deep down, I know my dad was really happy and proud that his son had helped organize two charity musicals within a span of 11 months, the former being for tsunami victims. He did not attend either of the musicals but was a long time fan of the Wayfarers.
I once dreamt of driving a brand new Merc home so that I could take my parents for a spin. But it probably meant more to my dad that his son and grand-daughter followed his musical footsteps (he was a fine mandolin and ukulele player), beyond what he had hoped for. He can rest in peace knowing that he wasn't given the brush-off as far as his musical legacy was concerned. My only wish is that he will be able to meet someone or being who can teach him the practice of vipassana...
ODE TO MY FATHER
It was only when my dad left this world that I realized how much I had taken for granted those moments in time that were spent with him. Looking back, instead of treasuring those precious moments that were scarcely available to him, I was someone in a hurry to get back to KL after the obligatory Chinese New Year reunion.
My dad left us most unexpectedly and the pain that came upon me was grievous and overwhelming. He waited long enough for me to arrive just in time before he exhaled his final breath. I felt like a little lost child, his father no longer in sight … How strange for one in his late forties with a family of his own to feel like this. I know now that the worst days of a bereavement are the day that a loved one dies and the days after the burial. Years ago my father sobbed uncontrollably when his own father's funeral was over. I was too young to understand then but I do now.
My only consolation is that my dad had gladly received a copy of the earthquake charity musical VCD which my daughter and I organized last December. Deep down, I know my dad was really happy and proud that his son had helped organize two charity musicals within a span of 11 months, the former being for tsunami victims. He did not attend either of the musicals but was a long time fan of the Wayfarers.
I once dreamt of driving a brand new Merc home so that I could take my parents for a spin. But it probably meant more to my dad that his son and grand-daughter followed his musical footsteps (he was a fine mandolin and ukulele player), beyond what he had hoped for. He can rest in peace knowing that he wasn't given the brush-off as far as his musical legacy was concerned. My only wish is that he will be able to meet someone or being who can teach him the practice of vipassana...
Sunday, March 05, 2006
delphi
I admit that I do have the inherent gift to destroy what was once beautiful for I always appear when good times come to an end just as I was beginning to adapt. Finally I am the last one standing pursuing a forgotten dream.
Indeed I should continue dreaming and writing if I am meant to be.
Indeed I should continue dreaming and writing if I am meant to be.
GGBC
I don't play badminton but she does. The nearest I can get to the game is to wear a t-shirt which reads "BADMINTON" and it is one from her club. The towel and the fluffy bear too. I support her involvement in sports because she simply loves what she is doing now. This is more than enough. She can't be performing on stage and releasing albums forever, though I hope she would. I sincerely believe that as long as there is demand for her music, she will not leave. The entertainment industry is cruel and realistic and I don't wish for her to be mutilated by the same conglomoarate that launched her career. At this stage, it matters not to me if she wins awards or is elected the best pop singer again. I love her wholeheartedly. Deep down I do want her to get the recognition she deserves and the industry should honour this.
The press must stop reporting news that serve nothing but which will turn stale in a week. The reason being that false reports benefit no one; the media, the artists and the readers. Feeding readers with immoral rumours only destroy the values of the society. The negative impact is not only on the artists but most essentially on the minds of the people. The focus of each piece of gossip is on tragedies and journalist-created juicy stories. I find it disheartening that the media make money out of such scams and readers find pleasure from reading who is sleeping with who. The role of the press is to educate readers and to enlighten them on righteousness. It might be too ideal a call to follow and I feel that it has fallen on deaf ears.
On the other hand, she can be promoting badminton and participate in its business for a long time to come. In the field of commerce, life begins at 40. It will not be easy because the human element exists in every sector. PEOPLE give rise to politics and its devildry.
I just want her to be happy. Truly.
Friday, March 03, 2006
new cut
(click on picture for larger image)
This is the current androgynous look which I LOVE.
Boyish or girlish, I LOVE this haircut. Get it?
To the SY fans, sorry that I disappoint you. I no longer look like Mr. Fok.
***&***
I need some time alone. Instead of worrying what others think about me, use the power to make this world a better place. Be gentle and firm simultaneously; this is efficiency. The inner self reflects itself externally so stop pretending. It is a period for contemplation.
Thursday, March 02, 2006
mushroom soup
The synchronized events probably were leading to yesterday's business meeting with JC's brother. It would never have struck me that new opportunities could pop-up like mushrooms. I seriously contemplated to cut all ties since I was certain that Swordy will be involved in my future dealings with him. However I miscalculated and undermined my abilities to deal with JC's brother in a fashion that I won him over. I hope to plan and execute a profitable project together with him especially in areas of my liking and expertise.
I won't count the chickens until they hatch. Nonetheless I do see a star; a wishing star.
Obviously it is wise that I should prioritize. You don't owe me a living and likewise I don't owe you one. Physical uprooting remains meanigless unless I undertake a mental overhault. Truth is a pathless land. It must be tested in life.
I won't count the chickens until they hatch. Nonetheless I do see a star; a wishing star.
Obviously it is wise that I should prioritize. You don't owe me a living and likewise I don't owe you one. Physical uprooting remains meanigless unless I undertake a mental overhault. Truth is a pathless land. It must be tested in life.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
blurry
I agree that people do make bad judgements. You are a professional and I respect that you have your own stand. However if it was me I would never advise my client to continue chasing after something extremely remote and absurd. Anyone could tell that what she wants is not healthy and it is more than a formulation of a one-sided affair. The relationship she wants is like trying to hook a star from Mount Everest. Do you know that to climb Mount Everest is hazardous and she has no formal training in hiking? Even if she reaches the peak keeping the last part of her limb, she could barely touch the furthest possibility of her dream. Why do you encourage her? Is it because you need her to run back to you so that she sustains your lifestyle? I am not being cynical and negative but we all know her quite well and the situation is as bleak as the black hole. Maybe you should help to get her out, to let her know that she does not need this relatioship to find an identity, to feel security and to stop looking for certainty.
This relationship will kill her, if she is not already dead by now.
This relationship will kill her, if she is not already dead by now.
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