Cobwebs

Sometimes it is very weird. Just when I thought that things have come to end one tiny spark ignites the flame. *Puff* There it is again. But then I realised I have changed in the process. I am proud to say that I have matured and am more aware of the inner emotions and what views that others hold. I can handle my happiness better. Not being overtly optimisitc or pessimistic. Just nice.

I was chatting with an online friend from Ireland. He said I made him extremely happy because I sent him a book for Christmas. It was exactly the same book he wanted to buy. Actually, I also sent a book to a girlfriend in LA for her birthday and it ended up to be something she wanted to read too. Interesting!

In terms of work it has not been too smooth lately. I faced two rejections from the film council in London and Rotterdam. But then as Confucius once said, "Our greatest Glory is not in never failing but in the Rising everytime we fall." I am not upset though I admit I am a little disappointed. However it is not an emotion I can't tackle. The night is still young and the road before me is open ended. I have many chances to try something else. The time is not right yet. That's all.

I asked myself, "How do I avoid unpleasant situations?" I thought for a very long time, which means for years! Now I finally get the answer. I read it a zillion times in books and spoken about it with friends. The answer is, "I can't avoid unpleasant situations. I can only change my attitude."

GumboLam is a priceless treasure in my life. No one has ever touched me in the special ways she does. I have much respect, admiration and love for this woman. She is every bit I wish I can be but I know I will never. No matter what happens in the future, you will always remain special in my heart. Because you are you. The simple woman you. I love you. *muaks*

EDIT: We never know how long is forever...

Circle

It is difficult to see what's beyond the Circle that encloses our visions. I have finally come to accept that I am not free of an ego yet. The road is long, unexpected and filled with demons and monsters. To get rid of an ego is fearful because it is diffcult to know and witness what's there when the ego is gone.

The comfort zone I am in; sometimes it is difficult to let go. The past is forever haunting. It is easy to slip into the wonders and disappointments of what happened before. At least I am certain but with the future it is always a blur hope.

However if I don't move on and change, I will rot in the claws of yesterday. Everything is moving. Time, the world, the sun, the moon, the stars, the galaxy and the universe. The centre is everywhere and I am the centre when things are on a constant shift. When I hold my centre or when I finally find it after death and rebirth, meeting and conquering the Devil, passing through the phase of darkness where light is born; I am there.

Until then I am still running around in Circles.

Ciao!

Enrichment 1

Reflections of Angkor

I am back. I feel tired, foreign and enriched. Tired because the sites, which I visited in Siem Reap were mounted on high grounds. If not before I could reach the core I had to walk for miles. Since these maginificient arcitectures were built nearly 1000 years ago, one would expect that the flooring were not smooth marble and cement. The grounds were rough stones with some parts almost unearthed. All these factors contributed to my walking and climbing difficult. To tip the scale, I had to carry a bottle of water and two cameras in my knapsack. Did I mention that it was scorching hot for most of the days? It rained intermittently for the first two days but the oven like heat took over for the rest of the week. As a result of which I developed a rather obvious tan, which I hope will disappear over time.

Despite all the physical toughness, the trip was invigorating. It's a total change of environment, culture and lifestyle. For starters I never knew that the skies were endlessly wide. Being a pure city dweller; skyscrappers blocked the openness of heaven. Siew Reap is a under developed town but for the ruins and historical sites that attracted teams of tourists world wide. The borderless green padi fields and grains expanded the horizon.

The entire visit has been totally enriching because it literally showed and proved to me that there was a civilsation 1000 years ago. That this universe is far reaching and what lies beyond is the answer to what is life.

Missing James Wong

James Wong Jim (1940 - 2004)

I received a missed call and a text message from a friend saying James Wong Jim or fondly known as Jim Sook (Uncle Jim) passed away. I always believed that both him and Joseph Khoo Kar Fai are the pillars and guardians of the Chinese music industry. Their compositions and lyrics communicated directly to my heart.

At the age of 64, Jim Sook finally left us.

But one can never forget his wonderful works of art and in our hearts he remains alive forever.

When I look upon the stars in the sky
I will think of you...

You lived a great life, Uncle Jim.

With deepest condolences.

TO CAMBODIA

Hello everyone! I will be going to Angkor, Cambodia from November 25, 2004 (Thur) - December 4, 2004 (Sat). It is both a business and pleasure trip. There won't be any updates here until then.

Take care. See you when I get back.

Ciao!

Ngow Ngow

Wahai Kentang! Kau juga merupakan kurnian sahabat istimewa bagi ku.

Yes! Yes! This is the FIRST X'mas card I received this year. And I am very HAPPY that it is from you, my dear dear friend. Gum sin tak le!

Lots of love from the owner of the ONE and ONLY Ngow Ngow.

Moooo!

Half Full

I am beginning to understand my agitation and frustration. It is mainly caused by Desire. This is the root of it all. Undefiled love is pure and far reaching. It should be selfless. Desire expects a reward. When I don't get what I want, it disrupts my mind. When the mind is confused, nothing seems fine. A confused mind attracts only evil thoughts resulting in unkind actions.

I should not have hoped for Gold in the first place. I should just give and love unconditionally.

What's in theory seems promising. But they remain as beautiful meaningless words unless put into practice.

Ciao!

Half gone

When I woke up this morning, I feel troubled as if I have not done something right. Perhaps I feel I have been foolishly chasing after something / someone that is not worthy of my time, effort and energy.

I just feel very disappointed that this thing that I hope would be gold turned out to be scrap metal.

Maybe it has always been scrap metal.

Note: This cheered me up a little. Thanks for sharing.

Consult not your fears but your hopes and your dreams.Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do.

- Pope John XXIII

Dust

I witnessed a sanctimonious ceremony on Saturday. It was nothing spectacular but just unusual. Unusual in a sense it is no longer honoured today by many. People of the digital age forget about the Earth. Their speciality lies in cyber space. An invisible platform wired by technology.

Electronic transmission lifts things from the ground; literally. Gone are the days when messages have to travel on foot, a time consuming and ineffective process. News of birth and death arrived almost very late to the unexpecting receiver. But now with a click of a button; an email codified in packages of numbers flows through a complex and undefined dimension to the receiver. It happens in Real time, which means almost instantaneously. How far have we progressed.

Jobless pigeons wander about with no knowledge of a skillful messenger their acestors once was. While humans created a much speedier and compact solution, we simultaneously create the equal number of problems caused by the solutions. Because the solutions provided are mechanical and digital answers that in themselves require to be maintained and improved.

Strangely it is the law of nature that digital solutions are never perfect. Problems arise and new solutions come along. And tied-in with the solution comes more problems. This cycle goes on and on until we have had enough of technology and decide to go back to basic. Maybe a long time from now.

When I witnessed the ground-breaking ceremony of the building of the Earth altar, I noticed that how distant I am from the soil. I have never walked bare-footed on grass before and feel the coolness of Mother's Earth nectar tickling my skin. The very pair of feet that I depend on every second of the day kissing the ground. Without my shoes on, I felt naked but cushioned by the love of Mother Earth.

My business partner and I documented the ceremony on film in the hope of preserving this sacred communion with nature. Everyday we fight against nature. Chopping down trees, building new railways, errecting taller buildings that would one day hit the summit of the world and surpressing our higher-selves from emerging with false hopes and fake happiness.

We need material wealth to satisfy our outer body. As long as I am alive in this present body, I need material comfort. It is also by nature that my stomach growls when I am hungry. I need food. I can't breathe and will suffocate. So I need fresh air. I need water or I will die of dehydration. All these automatically answer the pre-ordained call of nature.

Maybe it is also our nature to use what is naturally available to move forward. On the path to what we arbitrarily believe as progess, we destroy our nature. We also don't fulfill our higher-selves and achieve the internal balance.

Maybe this is the price we have to pay for not understanding our True nature.

Divine blessings for all.

The Train Ride Home III

NOTE: I have posted these writings on another forum. For those who have read them before, please bear with me.

For continuity, please start with "The Train Ride Home" followed by "The Train Ride Home II".

Thanks.

*************************************************************************************************

For a moment I wondered if the father knew what he was doing would destroy the psyche of his daughter. I could clearly view that she tried so hard to please him. To each attempt she tried, he only gave her a cold shoulder.

I don't want to be presumptious but I reckon some (not all) parents prefer a son over a daughter and vise versa. The gender preference causes a split among siblings and ultimately destroys harmony in a family. The less fortunate child feels unworthy because his or her value is connected to how much they sensed that they are loved by their parents. If either or both parent shows signs of rejection, the level of self-confidence drops as the child grows up.

Do you know the story of "Sit Ting San and his father?" General Sit Yan Guai was a brave and famous general and he was blessed with a boy and a girl. In a dream it was prophesised that his son Sit Ting San would kill him with a bow and arrow. Therefore he brought up Ting San as a scholar and his daughter as a warrior. Ting San aspired to follow his father's footstep as a warrior to be in service of the Emperor. But General Sit feared that his son would end up taking his life so barred him from touching any weapons and he could only study. On the other hand General Sit also wanted a child to be in service of the Emperor and so forced his daughter to train in the army camp. However this poor girl hated to be treated as a man and she yearned to be the precious lady-like and soft spoken girl.

I love this story because it simply depicts how parents believe that they know best and refused to listen to their children. I am not saying that a child should rebel but a child should be given a right to speak and to be heard. Of course the final decision remains with the parents still.

Very often the persons who discriminate do not realise their own wrong doings. More so they are not aware that their actions are hurtful. Even more devastating if they know what they are doing but condone their misdeeds with the false belief of "This is my life so I can do what I like. If you don't like what I am doing, tough luck."

I personally believe that it is very mean and selfish for anyone to pick and choose on others based on classifications. The more advance we are the more reasons to discriminate. By this I mean humans classify each other by looking at differences. This is the danger. Someone who evaluate others based on let's say the clothes they wear will favour those who dress the same and alienate the unfashionable peasants. But the peasants equally believe that those who spend thousands of dollars on a shirt are absolutely nuts.

The argument is instead of spying on the differences let's accept that we are not the same and live together happily. We have to agree to disagree. It is a mistake, I think to try to force everyone to treat each other as the same. I don't think that is a humanly possible idea because the fact remains we are world's apart.

Therefore we must respect each other's lifestyle, culture, tradition, religion and choices as much we respect ours. We have to be considerate and avoid performing acts that upset others.

To be realistic, I know that it is difficult to abstain from exercising favoritism but we must do so only after much consideration and to ensure that no one is hurt in the process. One must be selfless and to be so, it requires sacrifice.

Instead of selecting this person over the others, perhaps one should learn to like each and everyone as a unique individual with all his or her imperfections.

After all no one is perfect; including the one who discriminates, the one BEing discriminated and the one who is writing this message.

Ciao!

Drawing the Line

When I have had enough, I must know how to stop. Because not everyone is sincere and wants to be genuine friends. If I feel that they are making use of my time, money, effort and resources; I must either shoot back at them or back off.

I must be WISE and not allow the negativity that arises overrule my senses. It is normal to feel the WAY I do. But it is how I react, which matters where I will go.

May the force be with me because I am really alone on this.

Ciao!

Over the Moon

I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I died. It wasn't so bad to leap out of my current consciousness of existence and drift into one-ness. The feelings were quite amazing. I think that sleep is training us to accept death when we are at the gate to letting go permenantly of this cycle of birth. We cling on so much to life because of desires and fear of death. Think about it. Everything is like a wheel of fortune. It spins round and round. Things come and go. If we stand at the edge of the wheel we too go up and down and gripping on things that have past and hoping the next swing would turn out good.

On the other hand if we stand in the hub of the wheel, where stillness sets in between the spins, we find our balance. The core of our universe is in us if we stand still for just one second and think deep. The wheel can go round and round at various speeds but we are not bothered by it. We stand and watch in peace.

It's like marriage. Two people pledge their love, loyalty and the rest of their lives to each other. But it is not that she is married to him or he is married to her. They are married to marriage itself. There is no more I or Me. It has become We and Us. The unity of two to complete the circle. The one-ness. Marriage gives the couple stability, binding them to the ground. Just like a baseball player, unless his feet are planted firmly to the ground he won't be able to make a good hit at the target.

When we find and understand this stillness, we won't be blown away by winds of temptation. Very often marriage is looked upon as a social obligation and not something that goes beyond what meets the eye.

Kicking myself on the butt: Please don't expect too much. Things are meant to be the way they are and what's yours is yours. If it is not, be generous and let go.

Ciao!

Wheel of Fortune

For a building to stand tall its' foundation shall be solid.

How things can change over night! This saying is just too true. When yesterday I was blamed for childishly attacking Audrey, today Audrey apologised because things are not as what she thought they were. But then maybe just maybe, I was overtly enthusiastic in my reply to S which created this misunderstanding.

I see where Audrey was coming from and I can't blame her for long. When in fact I extended my apologies because even if it was not my intention to offend her; the end result is she was hurt by my words. Whether directly or indirectly, I have caused her pain. I have not done wrong but that does not mean a good deed would not result others to suffer.

It is interesting to note how each and everyone of us finally pander to keeping S happy and maintaining peace because very simply we love her.

I love these few lines from the theme song of "Beauty & the Beast". To end this post, I will share with you something that is running constantly at the back of my mind.

Barely even friends
Then somebody bends
Unexpectedly.

I will listen to some Sally Yeh later, read a book and get some good rest. =)

Ciao!

Silence

How easilly one can be misuderstood? At a wink of an eye.

Although it was not my intention to defend S and in turn attacked Audrey; some how it has been interpreted that what I wrote to S was to put Audrey in a bad light.

I only wanted to offer an option to read the thank you message and to explore the different methods in writing English. I am not saying that I am right and Audrey is wrong. I just want to inform S that context determines the content. One need not have to hold on tight to a strict interpretation of a particular word but rather look at how and where the word is used. Examine the situations under which a word is used.

I have chosen not to reply Audrey and let the matter rest. For I see it is pointless to start an argument or to apologize because I don't think I have done wrong. Audrey is also trying to state a point although she did attack me on a personal level and said I was childish.

Mr. Campbell Sir, I agree with you totally how some people don't understand what a metaphor is and equate metaphor to a lie. Bless you, Sir. Bless your good heart and keen mind.

But that is how some people are and if I can't convince them then just let them be. I just have to find my right audience.

Sometimes silence is the best reply one can give.

Ciao.

The Train Ride Home II

Enthralled II

What triggered me that day when taking the train home was a family consisting of two children; a boy and a girl. The boy was about 3 and the girl about 6 or so. The mother was a bubbly and fair lady. Slightly on the larger side but she was a typical homely caretaker. The father seemd to me to be a member of the armed forces. There was something about the sternness of his face and the disciplinarian dictator which showed when he communicated with his spouse and children.

From my observations it was apparent that the father favoured the boy more than the girl. The little rascal was horribly naughty but his running about and mischievious grins made him sparkle like a star. Nevertheless I found the girl to be equally appealing for she had lovely curls although quite messy at that time and such a sweet smile.

But it was not the looks that prompted the father to love the son more. He would play with the boy, pulled him close to his face, cuddle, tickle and hustle him with his huge fist while the girl watched in anxiety. Possibly wondering when would it be her turn? She wanted to get closer to her father. She tried to immitate her younger brother by running around hoping that daddy would pull her close and sit her on his lap.

To her dismay, her efforts were only misunderstood by her father when she was reprimanded and ordered to sit down. She gladly plonked herself next to daddy and mingled with the happy duo as though as she was part of the act. However father became serious and warned her to stop. He said in the meanest tone ever, "Go sit with mother." And he continued playing with his son.

Feeling rejected she went to mummy. At that point I felt so sorry for the poor girl. But then mummy was there to comfort her and hugged her warmly. I could see that the little girl's face lit up immediately.

Sometimes I wonder why do parents discriminate? As humans I understand that we have our favourites. The color, food, car, book, movie, cell phone and clothes that one likes best. But these are inanimate material objects that money can buy. But the most important things are those that money can't buy. Like love, emotions, care, consideration. One's own child, friendship. How can one equate a child, a person to a book?

Maybe the girl did something wrong to annoy her father and thus he was still angry. Perhaps in the Asian society, a daughter is expected to behave with decorum and it is a taboo for a father to get physically near his daughter. The history of their relationship I have no knowledge. In other words I shouldn't judge because I am only imposing my values on them because I never had that much of physically restrictions when it comes to my dad.

I am not saying that I am always fair to everyone. I too have persons whom I like but not prefer. There is no comparisons between one person over another because they are two different individuals with two contrasting personalities. I like A not because A is better than B or C or D. I like A because I do.

But then it is always difficult to apply philosophy to life. It's all nice and sunny on papers. When the situation arises we act brashly and out of sync.

So it is important to reflect, implement and execute. Not just talk.

Ciao!

Card...a special card

You are most welcome!

The Train Ride Home

Enthralled

The train ride home is always entertaining. I never failed to find amusement amidst the many passengers who are on the same path as I am. Their demeanours are much better choreographed than a stage play.

NOTE: There are some thoughts which I love to share but my mind is not responding. It is out of sync with my heart. So I will write later after my appointment in the city. Ciao!

Yellow yellow, dirty fellow!

"This is what is happening in every day life. For the entire life people act like a moth attracted to the flame, completely hallucinated, not knowing that the flame will burn. While they still have the power to fly they will continue to go towards the flame. "
By Kyabje Lama Zopa Rinpoche

Again I am under the devious spell of hallucinations. The power of desire is overwhelming that I have to fight a violent battle. Whenver I feel upset and before I go a step further, I ask the potent question. "Is it caused by my ego which comes from attachment / desire?"

I have the ability to laugh at my own foolishness. The quotation above rings true like a subtle bell neutralising the filth on my mind. Whenever something annoys me it is because I allow it to. It is because that "thing" has distrubed what I believe to be good and virtuos. For example a poem I wrote, my films or my principles that I hold on so tightly; attachment. Because they are mine and they have to be right.

Of course they are right in my point of view. Whether I get validations from others, it does not make my poem "righter" or my films "truer". See the point? Like wise if others criticise my work or trash my beliefs they don't make my poems and films worse. It is all on my mind. My allowing others to influence my fluctuating mind because of my attachment to what is mine.

By attachment I refer to the flame. No doubt everyone needs to have the drive, the aspiration to do something. The flame is good. But it is not the doing but the "becoming and being" that is important. What I mean is the lesson that I learn from doing something and not the end product which is important. If we are attached to the final product because I spent many sleepness nights, a lot of money and my brilliance to do something, then I will cling on to "my creation". When people chastise "my creation", I get upset. When people say I am this and that, I get upset.

You see, the end product or me the person per se means nothing. It is the process of creation whereby I learn about things I never knew existed or a discovery of an instilled feeling which causes the rapture in life; the search within that brings unending happiness. The tangible end product only brings unending miseries because we need constant encouragement to highlight our greatness. The condition of "becoming and being" is a state of mind and not a grapable thing.

If one thinks this way, one won't be attached to the end product, to the big "I". Create, learn, let go and move on. Letting go and moving on are essential. Or else the end product which includes our physical selves will tie us to the depths of craving, envy and hatred. The bottomless pit of ignorance.

I go through this everyday. I do get upset if someone says something bad about me. But it is entirely up to me to decide if that thing should irritate me or not. That's when I have to be mindful. Step back and watch my irritation and anger. Learn and then let go. It is never easy. I am still learning.

The thing is, after writing this whole piece I must also let it go. The journey of writing it helped me to reflect on a lot of things and to move on. This is not a great piece of work that others need to praise. =)

Ciao!

A breezy Tangarine

Don't bother counting the leaves on a tree. Just enjoy the breeze.

I had a long day today. It some what challenged my ego. I felt threatened by some one who is more experienced and knowledgeable than I am. Instinctively, I should just keep quiet and listen. But because he was also a person whose morality I questioned I refused to take pride in what he told me. Instead I strongly believed that he was being difficult and vindictive.

Before I jumped into any conclusions, I stepped out of the situation to evaluate if I am being subjective. The answer is inevitably in the affirmative.

After much meditation I take whatever he said and taught in good will. If I belittle and mock him for having ill intentions, am I no better than he is?

For what I have learnt and the knowledge he has imparted I thank him. This is the light I should see him in. If I am not in content with what he is doing perhaps the best solution is for me not to be involved and to tell him politely of my leaving.

Life is short. Why bother counting the leaves on a tree? Just enjoy the breeze.

Bed time. Sweet dreams. It's an eventful and wishful day tomorrow. Will tell you all about it. In the meantime some lovely Sally Yeh music shall sing me to sleep. =)

Ciao!

One Phone Call

So faint are the lines that form fails
So blur are the eyes that won't see
So mean are the hearts that won't feel
In the name of love, art survives.

It is a bad omen when the telephone rings in the midst of laughters. I fear that my prediction is true. Recently I was introduced to a young man named Kevin. He is 17 and a budding self-taught photographer. I have seen some of his work s and am impressed. However he sees his career as a medical doctor, which I am glad. Photography can always be a hobby.

Before anything could happen, parents can be the most ruthless people. Kevin was banned from photography. He called me just a while ago to inform that he is leaving for London next Monday. An ultimatum from his dad and he was not allowed to take his camera along. Upon getting his results he shall return home and prepare for pre-medical school in India. For the time being he is not permitted to waste time taking photographs. Kevin's uncle is a principal pharmacist in London.

Why? Artists are often misunderstood as squanderers and pigment of vices. But it is thru Art that values and morality are kept alive.

I am not fighting a course. Who am I to burden such a heavy load? I just hope that the youth of the day understands the importance of personal development and not undermine it by placing chains of restrictions around it. As much as they want to pursue a career path they shouldn't neglect their emotional needs. But do parents understand such dire needs and nurture their children completely?

Look at the youths today. They partake in gang fights, vandalism and even conspire in murders. All because they want to belong to a group. As humans we have the sense of belonging to a community that shares the same interest as us. Simply said they need a hobby, a healthy activity to motivate their creativity and help them grow emotionally.

It is the job of the Artist to excite the youths to think emotionally. A good movie encourages its viewers not to give up on their dreams and to perseverre. A tender song heals a broken heart. A tragedy depicted in a painting touches the soul.

People can have so much of money and still be poor. Does anyone even understand this statement?

I sincerely wish Kevin and all the youth out there a successful journey in life.