the prayer

I expect to pass this way only once. So any good that my bliss dictates, let me do it to the fullest with no regrets. Let me do it with kindness, love, gratitude and consideration. Let me receive with kindness, love, gratitude and consideration. Let me not bring hurt and misunderstanding to my fellow brothers and sisters but let me not forget my heart's desire.

Let me love wholeheartedly for I shall not pass this way again.

03:23-26:06

w-files III

It is always darkest before the day dawns. Hold on!

from my heart

You don't know how HAPPY I am when I received your message. Words cannot express my deepest gratitude. Thank you for giving me this chance. I will truly treasure it. (If you do visit, I am sure you can sense that I am referring to you! *muaks*)

~~~

Nothing is perfect; yet we all strive for everything to be flawless. And we wonder why this world is in chaos.

autumn birth

We all need someone special in our life. It is the same for me and I won't deny it. There are things which I did that would seem silly, outrageous and even selfish not to anyone else but to me. However there is no point in judging facts because once I do I am in conflict and it is wasting energy. I have desires for if I don't I am as good as dead. But letting desires run wild is equally as good as dead. The issue is not about learning how to control because control means repression. A repressed person is angry as he is forever in conflict. It is about acceptance, awareness and paying attention. When I was young I used to say, "I will never let the person I love to destroy me." I didn't understand the significance of such statements. Although I said them to show that I am mature, capable and inevitably it is a sign of arrogance. After nearly 15 years I will rephrase the statement to, "I will not destroy a person because of love."

Good night.

watching

I talked to the moon and the stars tonight. They greeted me with blinking smiles and I rejoiced in their presence.

HAPPY 2nd ANNIVERSARY!

We have been through lots of good times and had our bad times too. But one thing is for sure, I am glad that you are still around and still my good friend, my dearest Jie Jie. If I am as rare as the moon, then you must be the SUN!

With love and gratitude,
Ah Dee

seeds

You add salt on where you bleed
Then you scream and you weep
You blame the world when you got hit
But did you look before you leap?

In your heart you sprout a black seed
The pains of failure are in the creep
Before you begin you start to quit
Yesterday’s foul breath still you keep.

The black seed grows and consumes you deep
Why do you hate when it’s your choice to sleep?
A barrage of needles under your feet
Acupuncture reverses and hurts in heaps.

Like a bat blinded during a night trip
By the darkness so bright you failed to peep
Happiness is in all that you meet
Wake up, rinse your mouth and remove the black seed!

(c) Wendy Loh Lai Si 2006

from the heart

This ode is written by a well respected and spritually endowed friend of mine. Divine blessings for him and his family. Metta.

ODE TO MY FATHER

It was only when my dad left this world that I realized how much I had taken for granted those moments in time that were spent with him. Looking back, instead of treasuring those precious moments that were scarcely available to him, I was someone in a hurry to get back to KL after the obligatory Chinese New Year reunion.

My dad left us most unexpectedly and the pain that came upon me was grievous and overwhelming. He waited long enough for me to arrive just in time before he exhaled his final breath. I felt like a little lost child, his father no longer in sight … How strange for one in his late forties with a family of his own to feel like this. I know now that the worst days of a bereavement are the day that a loved one dies and the days after the burial. Years ago my father sobbed uncontrollably when his own father's funeral was over. I was too young to understand then but I do now.

My only consolation is that my dad had gladly received a copy of the earthquake charity musical VCD which my daughter and I organized last December. Deep down, I know my dad was really happy and proud that his son had helped organize two charity musicals within a span of 11 months, the former being for tsunami victims. He did not attend either of the musicals but was a long time fan of the Wayfarers.

I once dreamt of driving a brand new Merc home so that I could take my parents for a spin. But it probably meant more to my dad that his son and grand-daughter followed his musical footsteps (he was a fine mandolin and ukulele player), beyond what he had hoped for. He can rest in peace knowing that he wasn't given the brush-off as far as his musical legacy was concerned. My only wish is that he will be able to meet someone or being who can teach him the practice of vipassana...

delphi

I admit that I do have the inherent gift to destroy what was once beautiful for I always appear when good times come to an end just as I was beginning to adapt. Finally I am the last one standing pursuing a forgotten dream.

Indeed I should continue dreaming and writing if I am meant to be.

GGBC

I don't play badminton but she does. The nearest I can get to the game is to wear a t-shirt which reads "BADMINTON" and it is one from her club. The towel and the fluffy bear too. I support her involvement in sports because she simply loves what she is doing now. This is more than enough. She can't be performing on stage and releasing albums forever, though I hope she would. I sincerely believe that as long as there is demand for her music, she will not leave. The entertainment industry is cruel and realistic and I don't wish for her to be mutilated by the same conglomoarate that launched her career. At this stage, it matters not to me if she wins awards or is elected the best pop singer again. I love her wholeheartedly. Deep down I do want her to get the recognition she deserves and the industry should honour this.

The press must stop reporting news that serve nothing but which will turn stale in a week. The reason being that false reports benefit no one; the media, the artists and the readers. Feeding readers with immoral rumours only destroy the values of the society. The negative impact is not only on the artists but most essentially on the minds of the people. The focus of each piece of gossip is on tragedies and journalist-created juicy stories. I find it disheartening that the media make money out of such scams and readers find pleasure from reading who is sleeping with who. The role of the press is to educate readers and to enlighten them on righteousness. It might be too ideal a call to follow and I feel that it has fallen on deaf ears.

On the other hand, she can be promoting badminton and participate in its business for a long time to come. In the field of commerce, life begins at 40. It will not be easy because the human element exists in every sector. PEOPLE give rise to politics and its devildry.

I just want her to be happy. Truly.

new cut

(click on picture for larger image)

This is the current androgynous look which I LOVE.

Boyish or girlish, I LOVE this haircut. Get it?

To the SY fans, sorry that I disappoint you. I no longer look like Mr. Fok.

***&***

I need some time alone. Instead of worrying what others think about me, use the power to make this world a better place. Be gentle and firm simultaneously; this is efficiency. The inner self reflects itself externally so stop pretending. It is a period for contemplation.

mushroom soup

The synchronized events probably were leading to yesterday's business meeting with JC's brother. It would never have struck me that new opportunities could pop-up like mushrooms. I seriously contemplated to cut all ties since I was certain that Swordy will be involved in my future dealings with him. However I miscalculated and undermined my abilities to deal with JC's brother in a fashion that I won him over. I hope to plan and execute a profitable project together with him especially in areas of my liking and expertise.

I won't count the chickens until they hatch. Nonetheless I do see a star; a wishing star.

Obviously it is wise that I should prioritize. You don't owe me a living and likewise I don't owe you one. Physical uprooting remains meanigless unless I undertake a mental overhault. Truth is a pathless land. It must be tested in life.

blurry

I agree that people do make bad judgements. You are a professional and I respect that you have your own stand. However if it was me I would never advise my client to continue chasing after something extremely remote and absurd. Anyone could tell that what she wants is not healthy and it is more than a formulation of a one-sided affair. The relationship she wants is like trying to hook a star from Mount Everest. Do you know that to climb Mount Everest is hazardous and she has no formal training in hiking? Even if she reaches the peak keeping the last part of her limb, she could barely touch the furthest possibility of her dream. Why do you encourage her? Is it because you need her to run back to you so that she sustains your lifestyle? I am not being cynical and negative but we all know her quite well and the situation is as bleak as the black hole. Maybe you should help to get her out, to let her know that she does not need this relatioship to find an identity, to feel security and to stop looking for certainty.

This relationship will kill her, if she is not already dead by now.

the last request

An excerpt from a letter:

Dear N.D.,

Is it worth it for me to waste so much of time and effort on you? Sometimes loving a person cannot be measured by what is worthy and what is not. But when it hurts I tend to find solace from such mundane questions - hoping that I can talk myself out of grief which probably ends in my finding faults with you. The fact that I am unbelievably attached to you is my own doing but can I blame you for being insensitive and temperamental? Talking to you is like corresponding with a wall. Even when I hit a wall I hear a "bang". With you I get nothing in return. Not a sound.

Maybe you are merely protecting yourself from receiving what others want to give you; something which you didn't ask for. Maybe I am really stupid for giving what you didn't request.

Perhaps silence is the best reply you can offer and retreat is the best move I should take.

From your childhood friend,
M.S.

Note: How about using that as the opening of a novel?

crooked routes

A friend who visits this blog constantly wrote me an email fearing that I would not want to answer him in person. It is nothing severe but the question he asked did ring a few bells. Firstly he wondered why isn't this blog like a "regular online diary thingy". The next question, "Are those spiritual stuff that interesting?"

I guess I will reply you here; if you don't mind.

To begin with I do have a vague idea as to what would amount to a "regular online diary thingy". Can I just say that it isn't my style to write down minute details of what happened to me. I am not too event-oriented, if you get what I mean. What attracts me is the meaning behind each event and how they shape my mental state. So yes, the writings here are about the psychological and emotional reactions to a physical event. But aren't these kind of reactions "regular" as well?

Spiritual stuff? What stuff? No, I am not saying that you are using a word that disdains the spiritual realm of things. Is there anything solid to be interested in and should I continue to elaborate further, I would be caught in a paradox. In short, if I try to verbalise and solidify spirituality I am obssessed with a making myself better and that is the very thing that spirituality speaks against. To give you an exampale, a person who chases after wealth ruthlessly realises that money can't buy him happiness and satisfaction. Ah! He sees the "light" he thinks. So he decides to become spiritual and chases after enlightenment, illumination, unification and whatnot. See the point?

Thanks for the email.

the age of innocence

I held a Tarot analysis promotion at a local new age and modern-living exhibition in February this year. The turn-out was good although many clients commented that I am very young in appearance. They expected someone older. I am 30. It is not age but passion and wisdom that count. I can only give what I am.

Tarot functions on two principles. Firstly, you have to be open-minded and next trust the cards; just as you trust your best friend. Only if you trust your best friend wholeheartedly, s/he is given a chance to help you in all situations. Tarot is a deck of cards drawn of historical symbols and inscribed with universal meanings that would show to you certain useful signs and answers to questions only if you don’t try to control the outcome; in other words to be completely trusting on the natural flow of things.

The synchronized 78 cards of Tarot will reveal to you special messages.

Ask and clues will be given.
New doors would unlock.
What do you want to know?

Career, love, family, friends, health, wealth, Spiritual guidance and Life.

queen

S A L L Y

A decade swam by the Ganges River
The jagged edges of holy water
Cut, soothe and made me shiver
Life only gets magically better.

I know not anymore how to pen
Reviving the flare of a growing passion
Yet my feelings ascend and slowly sharpen
Baffled; no words filled my vision.

But old are not these feelings inside
The hour glass erased not my loyalty
Many a comfort did Sally’s voice provide;
when I drifted in and out of insanity.

A perfect being Sally is not to me
For perfection like chasing a fairy
Up to heaven, where no one can be
Only to find out that none exists, sorry!

Sally’s words I read with pride
Her sincerity discerns not one domain
She inspires, cares and is always a guide
As for me, an unassuming fan I remain.

Her career sets her on a constant drive.
Within the heart lives a simple woman -
amid ordinary constituents of life;
but a melodious voice not so common.

Sally’s music I continue to hear
decade after decade, ends it never
For being who you are - thank you, dear
There is no doubt this bond is forever.

(c) Wendy Loh Lai Si 2006

performing the cosmic dance

I should stop pondering how I actually do the dance which connects to the universe. I just dance and miracles happen. Life is a miracle. The trappings of past experience dissolve for something "unknown" comes into play.

wah lai yuen

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

~i don't need a reason to be happy~

~i don't need a reason to love you~

~i am happy~

~i love you~

ikan

Fish

Slippery as ivory
Off it escaped my clutch
No more curry
if it defied my touch.
Another night of boring rye
for poor Tommy and I.

With his fur like a pulled-back hood,
Tommy sprang to fly.
Holy gracious how rude!
Good manners he obviously did not comply.
Fangs like an iron claw
they enclosed the tiny fish.

But - eschewed not his jaw
from his favorite dish.

(c) W.L.S. Loh