let's talk...

...business. I don't understand what this term means. "Business". Is it a sale and purchse transaction or a profit focused endeavour or a serious verbal lash-out? I am at a loss.

For such a long time, I felt comfortable having had someone to admire and idolize. You know, the same old story of "Whenever I am down, I turn on the music and drift away. Everything is dark and hazy, I feel so sad and it is the music that sheds some light. It is the only thing that keeps me going." Therefore should I meet the singer I tend to feel overtly oblidged to her because without that music, I wouldn't have passed my exams or I wouldn't have lasted the night my parents fought their hearts out. Is this true? Did the music keep me intact and the singer my saviour?

Perhaps I have exaggerated the entire episode. Maybe I did use the music as a protector, a defense against my doing some crazy things such as running away from home, taking drugs and these are common symptoms among teenagers. Yes, the music kept me grounded. Shall I say, I could identify with the music so that I ddin't indentify with the other social addictions which results were ghastly.

However the mind does bring the issue further, blowing up the importance of that music in my life. When I was a whole lot younger, I do imagine having my favorite singer - the idol as if she was the only person in the entire world who was good to me. Because I understand now much better that as human beings we all need to be accepted and endorsed. Having imagined a super-star liking what you did and giving you a pat on your shoulder is a very good feeling. This is a stark cotrast to our parents who holds the whip and rule book or friends at school who called us weird or teachers who sent us to detention class.

After much observation, this form of escape is not only pertinent to me as a teenager but it is an ineluctable trait in everyone irrespective of age, gender and race. We all want to be accepted and we try to prove ourselves worthy. We always have something to say, a point of view to make, rebelling agaisnt someone such as our employers and politicians, an organisation like the company we work for or the government and anything you can think of. From young we complain about the unfairness of how we are treated and it continues until the day we die! Heck! If a corpse could speak...

I guess the equation is relatively simple. I want to stay in my comfort zone because it feels safe and fantastically good. I want this idol of mine to be my saviour and I think myself into believing that the music is my only inspiration. Nothing else matters. I am such a dedicated fan. I only want my idol to be happy and I love her.

I can feel it in my guts that someone will say, "What is wrong? Nothing wrong in wanting to be happy and caring for someone you love. "

You know mate, fan is the abbreviation of fanatic.

sunny days

It should be warmer soon. I am yearning for more solar power. Although anyone who knows me realises that I require a portable air-condition; I sweat buckets. Throw me to Alaska and I probably will still be roaming around in shorts.

I have been doing some thinking and I can't help but to come to a tentative conclusion that human beings are servant of facts. Tentative because there are a handful who are aware that facts are mutable; in other words facts are not fixed. We are so used to the believe that facts are certain because certainty gives rise to security and this security gives us what we want, safety. There is a strong tendency for us to cling on to these facts, the child of science. No doubt that scientists come up with principles based on observations. To prove that their observation is correct they need to go into in-depth experiments; performing a series of tests and research. If they can prove their obeservations to be right, then their principles are accepted as theories that are workable, until a new discovery is made to improve or disprove its veracity.

If you stop and ponder for a while, we are all little scientists of our own rights. Since birth we are imbue with rock-solid principles, some sort of a system. Somehow we are conditioned to believe that this system will bring us what we need if we play by the books and do not derail. Therefore anything that fits into our system are acceptable and what don't are flushed out, ignored and discriminated. And of course some unfortunate souls are of the opinion that they are open-minded and that they accept "more" things and ideas that fall within the ambit of an authentic system.

The paradox - well, a system sets limits to being open-minded.

The irony - great things of our age are invented by those who derail and dare to think differently, until they are caught in a system of facts.

x-culture

Wendy, you're divinely inspired when it comes to Culture!

www.tickle.com

Get up and go? You've got it. You enjoy new experiences and new people because you are inspired by how others view the world. You're not only curious, you allow for the possibility that there are many ways to approach life. And what better way to find the right path for yourself than by discovering what other cultures admire as art, how they communicate with each other, and what they enjoy as delicacies. After all, it's the journey that's important to you, not necessarily the destination.

Since you're open-minded, you probably enjoy moving from one crowd to another, with equal enthusiasm for all kinds of people. And your natural ability to create a friendly environment for everyone will serve you well wherever your journeys take you. Bon voyage!

Note: I have to agree on the accuracy of this test result.

cookies

Imagine you are at KL International Airport, Malaysia.

While you're waiting for your flight, you notice a shop selling shortbread cookies. You buy a box, put them in your traveling bag and then you patiently search for an available seat so you can sit down and enjoy your cookies. Finally you find a seat next to a gentleman. You reach down into your traveling bag and pull out your box of shortbread cookies.

As you do so, you notice that the gentleman starts watching you intensely. He stares as you opening the box and his eyes follow your hand as you pick up the cookie and bring it to your mouth. Just then he reaches over and takes one of your cookies from the box, and eats it! You're more than a little surprised at this. Actually, you're at a loss for words. Not only does he take one cookie, but he alternates with you. For every one cookie you take, he takes one.

Now, what's your immediate impression of this guy? Crazy? Greedy? He's got some nerve? Can you imagine the words you might use to describe this man to your associates back at the office? Meanwhile, you both continue eating the cookies until there's just one left. To your surprise, the man reaches over and takes it. But then he does something unexpected. He breaks it in half, and gives half to you. After he's finished with his half he gets up, and without a word, he leaves. You think to yourself, "Did this really happen?" You're left sitting there dumbfounded and still hungry.

So you go back to the shop and buy another box of cookies. You then return to your seat and begin opening your new box of cookies when you glance down into your traveling bag. Sitting there in your bag is your original box of cookies -- still unopened.

Only then do you realize that when you reached down earlier, you had reached into the other man's bag, and grabbed his box of cookies by mistake. Now what do you think of the man? Generous? Tolerant? You've just experienced a profound paradigm shift. You'reseeing things from a new point of view.

Is it time to change your point of view?

Now, think of this story as it relates to your life. Seeing things from a new point of view can be veryenlightening. Think outside the box. Don'tsettle for the status quo.

Be open to suggestions. Things may not be what they seem.

Have a great day.

To the genius who wrote this article, THANKS.

yard

Muscular fingers drop the freshly-plucked grapes
Exhausted baskets carry them
The estate exposes to air
Water soaks to the brim
Earth supports the weight
Buried copper relapses
Fire harbours tiny friends
Copulates...

...tastes sour, bitter and sweet.

(c) Wendy Loh Lai Si 2006

release

I must be aware that whatever is done, written and said in confusion and uncertainty will always not bring about positive results. Not that I am result-oriented, but the effect of my doings whether in words or actions leaves a deep impression in the universe and on the person directly involved. It is most obvious that it brands a mark in my heart and soul.

Confusion and uncertainty also connote that one is angry and ignorant of one's true feelings and intentions. An angry man normally brings about uncalled for violence and with such trait there can be no sincerity and love.

I am inclined to think that it is no one's fault but mine that things turn out the way they do. It is no time to lay blame on oneself but to actually look and see where the root of problem is. I release myself from all guilt, shame and anger. It is pointless to hate and to keep seeking for perfect solutions for there are none. If I say that I am incapable of compassion then I have killed all potential and possibilities to be so. I cannot control what others think and do but I can control what I think and do and I am compassion.

It does not matter what I write but what matters is my true intention. Am I speaking from the Holy Spirit or from the Ego? Have I just silenced the living Buddha andthe living Christ in me? Chances are I was caught in semantics; giving credence to words without actually practising and meaning what I said. Under such circumstances even the most beautifully crafted poetry cannot hide the malignancy. No Shakespeare can write with a defiled mind; the writings are poison.

Be true and then writing becomes a creation and not an immitation. When creating, something takes over - the universe steps in to espouse the words to life.

Be gentle to yourself and to others.

something cheerful for a change...

Wendy, your true color is Green!

You're green, the color of growth and vigor. Good-hearted and giving, you have a knack for finding and bringing out the best in people. Green is the most down-to-earth color in the spectrum — reliable and trustworthy. People know they can count on you to be around in times of need, since your concern for people is genuine and sincere. You take pride in being a good friend. For you, success is measured in terms of personal achievement and growth, not by status or position. Rare as emeralds, greens are wonderful, natural people. It truly is your color!

www.tickle.com

contemplation

It is time again for another soul-search.
A little bit more of honesty would help tremendously.

What I refuse to face is forcing its way out.
The sky, yes I forgot how the sky feels.
The earth is wet and the soil is soft beneath my feet.
What's inside the heart has hardened.
What's around is losing its perspective.
I am drowning in fear, anger, jealousy and hatred.
Nothing is making sense because they never did.
Why am I here?
Stuck - in a self-made hole of desperation.
The answer seems simple enough.
I choose to be.
Indecisiveness would have been a delight but it didn't play its part well this time.
At least not when I needed it too.
Need - do I really need anything the mind dictates?
The mind is running away; faster than time.
Time - the substance that decays.
I do everything in the name of love!
It seems magnanimous and sincere.
In the end the truth is...

The truth is...love is...love.

Love heals.
Love sucks.
Love lies.
Love cheats.
Love scares.
Love denies.
Love takes.
Love gives.
Love hides.
Love shows.
Love disappears.
Love appears.
Love decides.
Love hates.
Love loves.
Love likes.
Love dies.
Love lives.
Love waits...

I reached the right word.

Wait. Be patient. Nothing comes easy. So take it easy. Ask for help. Believe in yourself. Be thankful.

Drink more water. It is healthy.

karuna

Maybe what I said was not enough
Maybe because my mind is tough
To see things as they are
You are near and yet so far.

All you did is all you can
All you write is in your hand
What I read was beyond the stand
Your goodness is within the plan.

When I saw you last, I wasn't sure
Are you the cause or the cure?
Of the flowering winter in summer
The sugar-coated adventure.

Perhaps now things are clear
Perhaps again is due to fear
Definitely I love you, dear
But what is love, what is fear?

juice

Happiness is not a goal; it is a by-product. -Eleanor Roosevelt

It is only immature people who believe, "I am separate; therefore, I can manipulate you, even exploit you, to ensure my own happiness." To think that we can pursue joy as a collector pursues butterflies, seeking it here and there, is folly. We cannever go after joy because joy has got to come after us.

It's like the horizon. When you look from the Berkeley hills, the horizon looks as if it is just beyond the Golden Gate. You honestly believe that if you go there, you will reach the horizon. But as you pursue it, it recedes farther and farther, and that is the nature of pleasure. It peeps out from the store, the restaurant, the bank, but when you enter there you will find it recedes farther and farther.

When we begin to seek a higher goal - for the welfare of our family and community - joy slowly tiptoes after us. We don'thave to say to joy, "Excuse me, will you please come to my house?" Joy will come and put her suitcase down and say, "I am going to be here, whether you like it or not."

That is how happiness comes.

-Eknath Easwaran-

hand

………and there came a time when MIND returned from journeying throughout the universe and went to examine the affairs of Man

and when MIND looked into the hands of Man, it wept

yet some earthling hands reached up and caught MIND’S tears which they used, to cleanse Man’s wounds and heal his hurts

Thus was MIND comforted, and stayed a while to dwell again with Man

~ John Benedict

thank you

I guess I have taken you for granted lately. Maybe because my expectations were high during the meeting. You did promise something more in the letters and those events didn't come true. I kept looking for the reasons why by first putting the blame on you and then conjuring guilt within myself and finally I just got depressed. In the midst of feeling upset, I realised one crucial factor which is I never felt grateful for all that was given to me but instead compared them with others whom I believe have more.

But you have given me something special and I was too greedy to see and to be thankful.

My dear lady, I send to you sincerely all my love and gratitude.

ps: I will be there for you, if you need me. always.

spin-feet

Funny how one song can change your mood. I particularly enjoy listening to the waltz. There is something exceptionally flighty and carefree about it. Perhaps it is the beat; 1, 2, 3, 1,2,3 and the continuous flow of the rhythmic patterns. You feel as if the first and the last note of the melody are linked and inseperable. There is no time for one to breathe for the music goes on and on and yet one doesn't feel breathless. There is so much of energy being encapsulated by the spins and turns. As you swirl into the arms of another whether real or imaginary, the vitality in you discharges and rejuvenation takes place. As a result of which you become refreshed because you don't store-up unused power.

The waltz is always magnetic and to a certain level grand. Walk into a ballroom filled with elegantly dressed couples and they dance with assimilation to the sounds of a regal orchestra. As they waltz, the man gently wraps his hand around the curves of the lady while the lady in turn places her hand lightly on his shoulder. A sacred space is kept between the two whereby distance is respectfully maintained. But the other hand clutched each other tightly as if to bolt a ship to the ground. And they move back and forth melting into the music becoming united as they waltz the night away.

hugs

It is not easy to always look inside and be able to express what I actually feel. Very often I beautify or horrify the intensity of what I see. This happens when there is no understanding.

I remember very clearly how I felt when I picked up the phone to hear my father's stammering voice. I never expected that my mother would die despite being so ill. She was bed-ridden for almost a year after having her left leg amputated. A diabetic for nearly 30 years the ailments that attacked as a result of blocked blood vessels and dying nerves made her living conditions deplorable. With all the comfort money can buy, she couldn't possibly sleep for 1 hour without pains. She was on haemodialysis for 8 years and she died while the machine drew blood out from her body for cleansing since the kidneys mulfunctioned nearly a decade ago.

I can still hear it at night when all is quiet. Just at the back of my mind; the moans and the cries. I could still hear the murmurring of damning words but directed to who? I pitied and loved my mother dearly and I hated myself for not being able to do anything. I would cover my ears with two pillows and pretend that nothing had happened. After a while an unassuming guilt crept all over me. I let go of the tear-soaked pillows. I felt the warmth of the tears trickling down my cheeks. The water seeped into my favorite plush toy. I looked at its smiling bunny face and said, "Do you feel it too? You are crying as well. Let me get you a tissue."

There was never once that I would walk to my mother's room to give her a hug; to let her know that I am there and she will be alright. Maybe she was waiting for that, waiting for the support from her only child. But I failed to give her what was needed.

I recall the way she looked at me when she was pushed into the operation theatre, where they sawed off a piece of her limb. The procedure was delicate because my mother was a diabetic and her heart conditions were unfavorable. That last look as if she would never see me again. I still have visions of that when I close my eyes. When I sleep I dream of that too and I struggle to regain consciousness.

I spent 26 years in the house I live in now, with my mother. After her death I decided to renovate the whole house providing it with cosmetic changes. But it never worked for the essence remains the same. Her foot prints cannot be scrapped and removed. I can demolish the house and rebuild the entire structure, her spirit remains. It is not in the house but in every breath I take and every cell in my body; she is there. I am a part of her and when she died that part died too.

One should never take another for granted. Everything we have and embrace will soon be a passing age. Treasure each and every moment whether the moment is good or bad because sometimes a bad moment is all that we have left together.

the call

As we wake up in the morning, what is the first question that triggers our half-awakened mind? Sometimes it comes in a flash that we easily ignore as we rub our dreary eyes. But can we be alert as we come out of slumber so that we take note of the first call of light? Then in such circumstances we are alert not forced by a guru or meditation books but it is an act without the mind.

~~~

Whatever you do, make it an offering to me – the food you eat, the sacrifices you make, the help you give, even your suffering. – Bhagavad Gita

We can’t give anyone joy or security by increasing her bank account or adding to his collection of vintage wines. Of course, a well-chosen gift given at the right time is always welcome, but whatever the gift, we should guard against the nagging expectation of getting something in return. The moment we expect reward or recognition, we are making a contract.

Even parents and children suffer from this contractual relationship. Parents can help their children tremendously by avoiding the “I did this for you, therefore you do that for me” approach, encouraging them instead to follow their own star.

In the spiritual lore of India, it is said that God whispered only one word in our ears when he sent us into the world: “Give.” Give freely of your time, your talent, your resources; give without asking for anything in return. This is the secret of living in joy and security.

junction-Y

I was caught-up in a rhythm and cycle of life and death.
Some expectations didn't come true but some revelations shone through my battered eyes.
You and me, we are meant to be the way we are.
I shouldn't even try to change your character when your personality runs deep.
I shouldn't change mine to satisfy your demands.
It is healthy.

the prayer

I expect to pass this way only once. So any good that my bliss dictates, let me do it to the fullest with no regrets. Let me do it with kindness, love, gratitude and consideration. Let me receive with kindness, love, gratitude and consideration. Let me not bring hurt and misunderstanding to my fellow brothers and sisters but let me not forget my heart's desire.

Let me love wholeheartedly for I shall not pass this way again.

03:23-26:06

w-files III

It is always darkest before the day dawns. Hold on!

from my heart

You don't know how HAPPY I am when I received your message. Words cannot express my deepest gratitude. Thank you for giving me this chance. I will truly treasure it. (If you do visit, I am sure you can sense that I am referring to you! *muaks*)

~~~

Nothing is perfect; yet we all strive for everything to be flawless. And we wonder why this world is in chaos.

autumn birth

We all need someone special in our life. It is the same for me and I won't deny it. There are things which I did that would seem silly, outrageous and even selfish not to anyone else but to me. However there is no point in judging facts because once I do I am in conflict and it is wasting energy. I have desires for if I don't I am as good as dead. But letting desires run wild is equally as good as dead. The issue is not about learning how to control because control means repression. A repressed person is angry as he is forever in conflict. It is about acceptance, awareness and paying attention. When I was young I used to say, "I will never let the person I love to destroy me." I didn't understand the significance of such statements. Although I said them to show that I am mature, capable and inevitably it is a sign of arrogance. After nearly 15 years I will rephrase the statement to, "I will not destroy a person because of love."

Good night.