Soul Food

Music speaks to the subconscious. There are many good singers / musicians out there. Who and what is good is actually very subjective. What makes you tick should mean that those are good stuff.

I am of the humble opinion that maybe just maybe (I try to put this as politically correct as possible) being too emotionally involved with only ONE singer tends to hinder the total enjoyment of MUSIC. I seriously don't understand how can some listen to only ONE singer. Because music is vast and wider than the galaxy. To deprive oneself from the variety set in music is really not worth it. Different types of music tells a different story and brings out radically varied feelings.

We all have our favorites and special singers who inspire us. I have one and too many. Because each and everyone of them touches my heart with their melodic voices and incomparable talent in such a uniquely customised way. My relationship with each singer is different.

Music plays too important a role in my life. I can't limit myself. I didn't see the situation from this angle until I met Lai Jie, my liberator. Thanks for bringing music back to my soul.

愛在別離中

I have been most indolent for the past 3 days. When the engine is coming to a stop, it slows down. A sudden halt crashes the vehicle. I took this opportunity (I hope) to re-work many things in my life. Looking at how things have moved on I understand on a greater scale that everything is linked. There are many signs which narrate to us the happening of a future event. But very few could read or even notice such symbols.

Nature is so complex that we remain as primitive as we were since the beginning of the beginning. We can't fixate on a future prediction because it curtails free will. A prediction is merely a guideline that if we take certain actions only the outcome may be like this or that. And it helps to avoid unpleasant situations or prepares us to face unavoidable miseries.

In the end it is your choice. Nothing is permenant. You can choose option A; which is the best election today but tomorrow it can be the most terrible thing you have done. So be prepared to face the bottomless tunnel of hell. But when the fall is through, a "new" you is regenerated. That is if you are strong enough to make it.

Life is a collection of experiences. We ought to learn and become better people but the key question here is do we ever?

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Some people are meant to click at first glance. When someone else is dearer to the person we love most, I think it is important to actually be chivalrous about it. We can fight and torture ourselves severely so that we may win this person over. Yes, we can try very hard and do all things possible. Be it virtuous or not.

But what I wish to say is that to fight for someone in such a foolish manner is stopping you from seeing the destined beauty in your life. You build up hate, envy, negativity and blindfold your senses. You have to know when to stop and give up.

Think that you have not lost something but you have won yourself ample opportunities to start afresh and gain new hopes. A person without hopes is like a ship without a Captain.

The Hero's Journey

小蝶 - 我曾经和雅麗有个约会. 只有一次, 但是我已经满足.

It is said that the roles certain people play in life are destined to inspire the millions out there. Such is one played by Alice Lau Ngah Lai in "I Have A Date With Spring." From the stage play to the movie and to the musical, Alice's nexus with the character "Yiu Siu Tip" blossomed for 12 years. Although for the other leading female characters, different actresses have been selected to portray them, there can be only one Siu Tip; non other than Alice herself.

Perhaps Alice was born to touch the viewers with her genuine acting. And after a while it is very difficult to accept that Siu Tip is a creation in art. It is as though as Alice gave so much of energy and became the character. The warmth, righteousness, honesty and determination of Siu Tip are reflective of the person in reality.

Why do we love Siu Tip? I think, it is because she is the hero in our dreams and fantasies. From a third grade cabaret singer and through trials and turbulence she rose to the top. But she did it with so much of intergrity and humanity that we applause her success with approval. Her loyalty towards Kah Hoe; the musician boyfriend whose first love was inevitably music, after 25 years she awaits him. She is the hero we hope we can emulate in our devious and fluctuating society.

Siu Tip's journey of happiness, tears, pains and victory is the single journey that we all travel. But perhaps some may lack the qualities and strength she possesses. Some may derail and some may necessarily succeed.

Whatever the outcome, we all have a date with spring. Just like Siu Tip when the time comes we will find spring flourishing in winter.

Tomorrow is no better than Today...

...and Yesterday was not a terrible experience. Chances are I would get laughed at if I say that the beggar is not poorer than the richman. Maybe you'd think that I am looney but imagine that if all the beggars unite and overthrow the government we will have a reversed situation. I dare you to venture into this dimension of abyss. Where everything is filthy, smelly, unkempt and stench of human urine replaces the sprinkles of branded perfumes.

This is indeed a nightmare but will soon be a norm once we adapt to it. The early upheavals will subside when obedience takes over. It may take months, years, decades and perhaps even centuries.

Of course this is taking things to the extreme or you might say I am so sick that I ought to be kept in prison. But fear not. I am as sane as the guy who eats fast food everyday. But then again what happens in our lives are not entirely within our control.

The Tsunami tragedy will force some changes in the way we view the world and hopefully begin to reshape our experiences of being alive. For those who lived by the sea they thought they knew the sea but were dead wrong. For those who were certain that their habitat was earthquake-free - but what do you know? Never say never again.

What do all these mean? I personally believe that these are signs of our arrogance and ignorance. Look at our lifestyle. We drift along in the pretext that we are above the universe and nature. We can do anything and everything we want to improve our life in the future. We desire a promotion, a new car, a big house, to be a millionaire and to hop onto one Progress or another. Work for the future, live for tomorrow because there is where the better days would be. My question is: when is Tomorrow? The next sunrise, the next year, when you turned 60? But what about Today? Now? This very moment?

I can hear some faint screams pushing out "I don't like today. I am unhappy. I don't have money. I have not purchased my house yet. I am still young and inexperieneced so I am constantly bullied."

But as far as the Theory of Time goes, there won't be tomorrow without today. How can we expect Tomorrow to be completely blissful suddenly when today we believe that we are soaking in shit? It is as though as "puff" a miracle happens and we are pulled to safety from above. Looking at how we develop there won't be a "better tomorrow" because we can never stop complaining that today sucks. Remember that today is the tomorrow of yesterday.

Maybe we should appreciate what we have now. Think that's all you need. You don't have to own 5 houses and employ 10 maids.

[Hei you! You are teaching us to be lazy!]

Excuse me! But I am not telling you to be unproductive. I am merely saying that you should know when to stop. Enough is enough. I am not saying don't participate but I am advocating that each choice you make should come from you and not what the society orders. What you do is not a compliance with social duties. You need to have the prudence to make wise decisions.

[What are you talking about? I need food to survive.]

The problem is that we don't really know what we want. So we imitate. We take advantage of the misfortune of others. U.N fears that gangs may traffic young Tsunami orphans to commit crimes. This is what I mean by following the hierachy of money rules it all. We are not listening to ourselves but to what others dictate. External pressure of power, money and sex overrule the inner voice.

[Well, I drive my Mercedes - you chat with your inner voice.]

God gives me the serenity to accept things I cannot change

The courage to change things I can; and

the WISDOM to tell them apart.

I wish I could...

I love you but I can't say
Because respect I must pay
To friends who don't understand
Why I love you I just can't pretend.

Seeds grow in a bark
They pop out in the dark
Secretly my feelings grow
Longer than the moon's shadow.

I wish I could scream out loud
Share with the world I am proud
But who can comprehend
It's a sour battle in the end.

Fate like the fire burns
It's something I can't discern
Why I love another this way
How did I let my heart go astray.

Maybe I loved too much
I refused to free my clutch
Finally I am burnt out
From the love I could do without.

Love is a funny companion
You tear when you peel onions
But love will make you cry
Even when your eyes are dry.

Love is a sentimental buddy
Makes you weep when you are happy
Tickles like morning dew
Trickles like the sunset view.

I love you for unspoken reasons
It lights my soul from the beacon
I am sorry for the way I am
I have changed I am to blame.

But until then I stay in silence
Drown in the world of hindrance
Only my little heart knows
How much I love you.

Note: This poem is written by me about my little friend who is only 16. Believe it or not she started going out with her current boyfriend at the age of 13. (What was I doing when I was 13? Gee...) She told me that she fell in love with a senior from her school who is dating her classmate's sister. I told her it could be a crush. But whether it is a crush or not, I think innocent puppy love is always the sweetest in one's memories. As we grow older a love relationship becomes contaminated by material demands and moral obligations. I tried to write this in the most "teenager" way possible. Have I lost it or simply too old fashion?

Blue is not Red.

Snow in satin white
Purified my ignorance
I see beyond colors
I feel beyond passion.

But snow stays peacefully
No words must be said
For Dukkha will form
and kill the hanged man.

A leap I have taken
Racked the terms of life
But nothing here is fixed
And a spin it shall be.

Summer Songs

The Lido Jubilee Christmas Special 2004 (Lai Fah Wong Goong) showcases some of the best vocalists in Hong Kong. I truly enjoyed watching the performance in Genting. But what drove me to tears and to screams of laughters were the songs. I call them Summer songs because they were warm, tender and reminiscent of my late Mother. These were the songs that she used to sing to me as a child. I came home and tried to locate the book where she wrote down the transliteration of the songs from Chinese to English. To my dismay it was no where to be seen. I wonder if it has been boxed and kept in the basement.

Even if I can't find the book ever again, each time I hear the melody of the songs it will be Summer time.

Happy 2005

This is my first post for year 2005. I procrastinated because I have too many things to write. I was not sure as to how I should write and if it would be misunderstood.

I am in a very confused state now. So much has happened lately that I fear my limited experience can't handle. Perhaps I won't be able to grow with the events that affect me directly.

For once I feel I have liberated myself from my obsession but I hope I won't transfer it to a new attraction. Once bitten twice shy. I should learn from the past. If I learn to shut up I think I will be able to balance out the situation. Be less suspicious and keep an astute mind. I don't owe anyone an explanation.

In the homefront, things are messy. I don't want to elaborate on it because I seriously do not know where to start. Suffice to say I am disappointed and hurt. But with time I will be able to battle out a fair judgement mentally; because I always like to make peace.

My career path is on a hault. I am making drastic changes.

Happy New Year! I wish you all a meaninful and healthy 2005. May all your dreams come true.

Sincerely,
肥妹仔 Wendy

Nature's anger

My heart sank as I read the news. An earthquake in Sumatra caused a tidal wave that swept across the coast line of North Malaysia. As of today, 53 people are confirmed dead. But the death toll in Asia reaches 23,000...

Suddenly it made me feel small.
Like a dot of insignificance.
Numbness and pangs of sharp pains filled my body
As I flick through the pictures of damaged houses,
broken homes and watered grounds.
Faces of despair and despondency
roamed the streets of twisted faith.
What have we done wrong
To deserve rejections -
to pay the penalties with blood and tears.
If nature's anger roars
No single man is spared.
For each and every man is one.
The hurt of one is shared by all;
for their loss is mine to keep.
But let my warm wishes
sincerely pass to them
The love and care of one,
be absorbed as part of all.

With Metta,
Wendy

Ho Ho Ho

MERRY CHRISTMAS & A HAPPY WONDERFUL 2005!


MERRYCHRISTMAS & A HAPPY WONDERFULLY 2005!

Be Here NOW

At this moment if you set the alarm to get up at 3:47 this morning and when the alarm rings and you get up and turn it off and say: what time is it?

You'd say: NOW NOW where am I?
HERE! HERE! Then go back to sleep.

Get up at 9:00 Tomorrow. Where am I?? Here! What time is it? NOW!

Try 4:32 three weeks from next Thurs. BY GOD It is ....There's no getting away from it - That's the way it is that's the ETERNAL PRESENT.

You finally figure out that it's only the clock that's going around... It's doing its thing but you - you're sitting HERE RIGHT NOW ALWAYS NOTHING TO DO.

There is nowhere to go and There is nothing to do & We're going to keep coming to know one another more & more free of being identified with any veils less identified with their veils as you find the light in you, you begin to see the light in everyone else as you find God in yourself there is God everywhere.

An excerpt from the book Be Here Now by Ram Dass

Did man Create God?

I am much baffled by this question. Did God actually create man or is it the other way round? Of course for those who believed strictly in the Fall theory, God made Adam and Eve. The temptation by the serpent which led to Adam and Eve being banished from the Garden of Eden. This speaks that from day one, men were sinners. But one interesting aspect to ponder upon is if there wasn't a fall would there still be God and man? The answer seems to be no. If you look at this properly it was the Sin of man that created God. Because before the sin and the consumption of the apple, God and man walked hand in hand. God made man in his image. Man did not know he was different from God until he ate the fruit of knowledge; the fruit of good and evil. Man had no clue as to what was good and evil, the two opposites of extremities.

I find this theory very fascinating. Why did God allow the forbidden fruit to be in sight of Adam and Eve? Perhaps he forsaw the Fall and the tumultous world that will come thereafter.

Maybe the God we refer to has been changed so much that God has become everything but the Creator. God is an agent of a greater force; a representative of the universe. A symbolic mythology of the intangible and incomprehensable energy that churns the entirety of eternity.

Well maybe, just maybe. It is the force that creates man that in turn creates an image of God to complete what can't be understood.

Don't get me wrong. I am not promoting a secular world. Human beings are in need of institutionalised religions. But they must have the spritual awareness to distinguish between the corruption of man and the truth of religion.

Don't Judge if you don't know

I have recently gone utterly mad. Reason being I have been doing things that make me tick inside. I follow my instinct or shall I say my Bliss. However looks like this Bliss is not getting me good response from others. Perhaps this Bliss is not used to please others but for me to find myself amidst a turbulent society.

To follow my Bliss is like asking to be ostracized. Because my Bliss takes me out of the realm of the ordinary. Many can't accept us radical folks. But this is how art is created. Dare to be different and stick to principles that throw others off balance.

No one wants to be thrown into the sea. Neither do I but if I don't meet the rough currents head on, I will miss the rapture of the underwater world.

Now where does my Bliss take me?

The Spirit

Once the spirit of defending what appears to be right is confused, the fighting becomes a brute battle. It becomes a personal achievement. Many times in one’s life, this spirit is often misconceived because of various reasons. Friends die or friends betray. Family turns into a blurring view of a forgotten spring. Loneliness suddenly is an ally and the only song that made sense is when the hands are stained with blood. Enemies changed into a faithful companion. What is right and what is wrong remains an unanswered question because justice is still not served. For there to be peace, must life be slaughtered? Perhaps death is the single suitable retribution for a defender. With death there is hope for a decent rebirth of the spirit.

Ningen NoYakusoku - A Promise

An excerpt from the screenplay of a melancholic Japanese movie.

Husband (Yoshio Morimoto):
With my parents moving into our home it has disrupted our relationship. I am sorry.

Wife (Ritsuko Morimoto):
No. (A long pause)
Your affairs did.

Husband:
With my parents around and you having to take care of my senile mother, our sex life is interrupted.

Wife:
A good excuse for an affair.

Husband:
You have such a good imagination. (Laughs) There was never an affair.

Wife:
(Laughs)

----------------------------

Man (Yoshio Morimoto):
(Looking at his naked mistress sitting beside him)
I need to go home now.

Woman:
I see. You have come to say goodbye. You didn't dare say you wanted an affair with me. So you just came. Now when you want to end this, you just leave.

Man:
It is getting late. I am sorry. I must go.

Woman:
Yes, go home. I will start a rumour tomorrow that you can't play with a girl. It will be a reason for you to leave me.

A Letter from the Past

Sally once said in her reply to me that it takes a long time to find true friends. By that I think she meant friends who would be there for me through good and bad. Someone who would understand me and tell me sincerely that I have done wrong. Telling me because he or she cares and not out of jealousy or envy. Telling me not because she wants me to mirror her. Someone who is not there to take advantage of me. Misunderstandings only tighten the ties of friendship. To have such bonding and trust it takes much hardwork and unconditional sharing. It is indeed time consuming.

Whether one is a friend will only be put to a test when a tragery occurs, sad to say. Many things need to happen before one can call another a True friend. It is not as simple as cracking a few silly jokes to making everyone laugh. Of course the initial likings must be there but it is the route after the hugs and kisses that determines where and how far we can go.

I received a hand written letter from an old friend. We went to Law School together. There is much history that built what we have today. Someone whom I feel her raging sincerity. We have experienced happy times and cried many angry tears. I had been foolish and she had been childish. But now I feel deep down that there is something "special" between us. Maybe this is the friendship which Sally said that took years to construct.

At times we tend to undermine the wisdom of another person. More so by someone who is much older than us. However I suppose I can retaliate out of pride and foolishness. But as I grow older and learn more; words of the elder always seem to come true, and it puts my retaliation to shame.

Cobwebs

Sometimes it is very weird. Just when I thought that things have come to end one tiny spark ignites the flame. *Puff* There it is again. But then I realised I have changed in the process. I am proud to say that I have matured and am more aware of the inner emotions and what views that others hold. I can handle my happiness better. Not being overtly optimisitc or pessimistic. Just nice.

I was chatting with an online friend from Ireland. He said I made him extremely happy because I sent him a book for Christmas. It was exactly the same book he wanted to buy. Actually, I also sent a book to a girlfriend in LA for her birthday and it ended up to be something she wanted to read too. Interesting!

In terms of work it has not been too smooth lately. I faced two rejections from the film council in London and Rotterdam. But then as Confucius once said, "Our greatest Glory is not in never failing but in the Rising everytime we fall." I am not upset though I admit I am a little disappointed. However it is not an emotion I can't tackle. The night is still young and the road before me is open ended. I have many chances to try something else. The time is not right yet. That's all.

I asked myself, "How do I avoid unpleasant situations?" I thought for a very long time, which means for years! Now I finally get the answer. I read it a zillion times in books and spoken about it with friends. The answer is, "I can't avoid unpleasant situations. I can only change my attitude."

GumboLam is a priceless treasure in my life. No one has ever touched me in the special ways she does. I have much respect, admiration and love for this woman. She is every bit I wish I can be but I know I will never. No matter what happens in the future, you will always remain special in my heart. Because you are you. The simple woman you. I love you. *muaks*

EDIT: We never know how long is forever...

Circle

It is difficult to see what's beyond the Circle that encloses our visions. I have finally come to accept that I am not free of an ego yet. The road is long, unexpected and filled with demons and monsters. To get rid of an ego is fearful because it is diffcult to know and witness what's there when the ego is gone.

The comfort zone I am in; sometimes it is difficult to let go. The past is forever haunting. It is easy to slip into the wonders and disappointments of what happened before. At least I am certain but with the future it is always a blur hope.

However if I don't move on and change, I will rot in the claws of yesterday. Everything is moving. Time, the world, the sun, the moon, the stars, the galaxy and the universe. The centre is everywhere and I am the centre when things are on a constant shift. When I hold my centre or when I finally find it after death and rebirth, meeting and conquering the Devil, passing through the phase of darkness where light is born; I am there.

Until then I am still running around in Circles.

Ciao!

Enrichment 1

Reflections of Angkor

I am back. I feel tired, foreign and enriched. Tired because the sites, which I visited in Siem Reap were mounted on high grounds. If not before I could reach the core I had to walk for miles. Since these maginificient arcitectures were built nearly 1000 years ago, one would expect that the flooring were not smooth marble and cement. The grounds were rough stones with some parts almost unearthed. All these factors contributed to my walking and climbing difficult. To tip the scale, I had to carry a bottle of water and two cameras in my knapsack. Did I mention that it was scorching hot for most of the days? It rained intermittently for the first two days but the oven like heat took over for the rest of the week. As a result of which I developed a rather obvious tan, which I hope will disappear over time.

Despite all the physical toughness, the trip was invigorating. It's a total change of environment, culture and lifestyle. For starters I never knew that the skies were endlessly wide. Being a pure city dweller; skyscrappers blocked the openness of heaven. Siew Reap is a under developed town but for the ruins and historical sites that attracted teams of tourists world wide. The borderless green padi fields and grains expanded the horizon.

The entire visit has been totally enriching because it literally showed and proved to me that there was a civilsation 1000 years ago. That this universe is far reaching and what lies beyond is the answer to what is life.

Missing James Wong

James Wong Jim (1940 - 2004)

I received a missed call and a text message from a friend saying James Wong Jim or fondly known as Jim Sook (Uncle Jim) passed away. I always believed that both him and Joseph Khoo Kar Fai are the pillars and guardians of the Chinese music industry. Their compositions and lyrics communicated directly to my heart.

At the age of 64, Jim Sook finally left us.

But one can never forget his wonderful works of art and in our hearts he remains alive forever.

When I look upon the stars in the sky
I will think of you...

You lived a great life, Uncle Jim.

With deepest condolences.