If you love me, take me as I am.

Sometimes it can't be explained or even draw near to understanding how love works. How one person can mean very much to us. But then is it true love or merely an act of self-pleasure and attachment?

Love should be pure, undemanding and there should be total acceptance of the other person. How we want the person we love to do things to make us happy and to conform with our ideals. How we will shout, demean and threaten our beloved should there be non-compliance with what we want. Of course what follows are the criticisms, the fights and perhaps a break.

Very often do I fall into this trap. People who matter to me ranging from family to friends, all go through the shattering moments of my terms and conditions. Who am I to impose?

How we want those we love to endorse our actions with appreciation and admiration. But it belittles the greatness of our heart so much that it makes me sick.

When will the ego leave so that love is free?

Mind of Light

A drop of water has the tastes of the water of the seven seas: there is no need to experience all the ways of worldly life. The reflections of the moon on one thousand rivers are from the same moon: the mind must be full of light.

-- Hung Tzu-ch'eng (1593-1665)

Question: How do you keep a drop of water from drying?

Answer: By throwing it back into the sea.

Sometimes a single word, a simple look and one constructive sentence can cause a massive ripple in your awareness.

Here and There

Forgive my inconsistencies and unorganised thoughts in this post.

I think personally it is not easy to forego the past. Who can ever truly have such insights that the past is but empty? There is no time (past, present, future) but an illusion of the irrational mind. Chances are that if I attempted to tell this to anyone, I'd probably get beaten into pulp.

It is not that these people don't see it but they see it as being absurd. Honestly, the world is built on working towards the future. The psychological division of time is INDOCTRINATED into each and everyone living soul on earth. Every philosophical theory is centred on struggles and over coming struggles. It starts from "I" or "We" or the "state" which is a personification of a bigger "I". Man's relationship with nature, with himself and with his fellow brothers. It all falls back to the "I" whether as being supreme or subserviant.

Undoubtedly with the "I" comes all the seperations from birth to death. Every stage of life influences the next and the environment sneaks in to play devil's advocate. How can then the mind withstand such pulling forces from rationality and ultimately insight?

A physical revolution is merely a paradoxical game. Over throwing one ruling body only installs another authorised prejudice. Every system strives for perfection. Communisim didn't bring us equality but yet a sanctified power to treat everyone as an equal suffocating human rights. Where is equality before the law? No, I think the question is what is equality before the law? Don't even get to asking what is THE law?

Communism didn't work as in the books because man is forever caught in time. The ego is always too strong to give in to equality. Submission to the threat of the buying and selling power throws the entirety of mankind into loops of delusion.

It is the revolution of the mind that brings about peace. But it is a day too far in the distant that it becomes a forgotten dream. Many speak of it but who actually does it?

---------------------------

I sometimes don't understand the games people play. To achieve what they believe as an ideal they refuse to listen, to bend backwards, to submit and to be kind. They uphold their gospel truths as the only method. They condemn others for being stubborn but aren't they the same for they too refuse to listen and to compromise?

I really don't understand... I only want to enjoy some good music. Is it too much to ask for?

I definitely don't understand. How can I make the same mistake TWICE?

Indiansed

I feel "Indian" today. I feel "Chinese" too and even "Malay", "Irish" and "African" and everything else.

I am hurt and I shall over come it and be non-hurt. I am becoming unhurt and project into the future an image of a stronger me. I will survive. But the problem is by wanting to become stronger and willfully fight the hurt or revenging on the person who brings me pain, I am maintaining the seperation of past, present and future; keeping this hurt in me but in another form. Entangled in psychological time. So by surpressing the hurt and becoming stronger in some future time, I am merely modifying this hurt and continue to being irrational. It is not about denying or escaping but to actually keep the hurt and feeding it with memories, experiences and thoughts.

Putting emotions and things into words merely corrupts what it is.

You know, I feel a change. Maybe an insight...

When are Pros made?

Under the most unexpected circumstances.

If anyone were to ask me what editing software I am using now, I would say Adobe Premiere Pro 1.5 and it is self-taught. I started off with a much simpler version for amateurs. For some odd reasons the simpler version refused to work and even after reinstalling XP, I was facing the same problem. I couldn't capture the videos in widescreen 16:9.

At the verge of giving up, I went out to buy another version of Adobe Premiere. Nevertheless, there weren't any to be found except for Adobe Premiere Pro 1.5! Even Adobe Premiere 7 was not on sale. I thought to myself, Pro 1.5 wouldn't be that difficult to master. Fingers-crossed!

Well Pro 1.5 solved my problem but it is one heck fo a sophisticated software. The common features of the much more user friendly interface of Adobe 6.5 were there. However there are so many additional buttons, icons and menus that threw me into perplexity.

It just proved one thing to me. Professionals are not meant to look out for "user friendly" stuff. They want control of the tiniest of details so that they could manipulate each function to create perfection. There should be room for them to change this and that; unlike amateurs who prefer clicking on only ONE button and everything is done. But the settings are fixed and the result is plain and unattractive. For the Pros, they want to tweedle every knob and button if possible to ensure that no stones are left unturned. But I am no pro, trust me.

I am being forced to learn an entirely "automaticless" software but I tell you this baby can truly perform wonders. Perhaps if I didn't have problems with the earlier version, it wouldn't have crossed my mind to venture into Adobe Premier Pro 1.5 and discover how much more this software can offer.

Yep, if it ain't broken, don't fix it. What is "IT"? The thing or our brains? The thing may not break after years but our brains would stop moving forward and this ladies and gentlemen is RETARDATION. Very bad for health.

Maybe it is a lesson, an indicator and a big whip on my arse telling me to move and think OUT of the box! Be a little more adventurous and not to decay in contentment.

Outch!

Out of the Blue, Red & Black

I have not abandoned anything yet. Because I am not at the stage of purity. My mind is still attached to beliefs, systems and much influenced by the society. The Noble Eightfold Path is harvesting and hopefully will ascend my pace to complete silence.

*right view
*right intentions
*right speech
*right action
*right livelihood
*right effort
*right mindfulness
*right meditation / concentration

Possibly I am pre-empting the whole process by going to the final stage, "right meditation." Thus my reading of Krishnamurti if not understood correctly will throw me off balance. He brings you deep inside and rattles the principles that you hold on so dearly. I reckon Krishnamurti acts as a reminder to all of us that in order to have a "right meditation" is NOT to have the right view, intentions, speech, action, livelihood and effort. I strongly believe that "right mindfulness" means to realise that there is no right or wrong. When our meditation reaches the stage of "right mindfulness" it is no longer stuck in worldliness and trivial issues of what is positive and negative. The principle of duality ceases to exist and there will once again be unity. It is not a situation whereby we choose between one good thought over another. What is good? What is bad? Whenever there is a choice, it already presents a conflict. And anything not being absolutely good or bad can never be absolutely postive or negative. Essentially what is good for me can be bad for you.

The pilot that nuked Hiroshima and Nagasaki ended World War II and became an acclaimed hero. But is he? Think. Someone's got to do the dirty job. How can anything be completely fair? How can anything be complete when the who universe is moving and changing? How can something outward such as justice, freedom, courage, fame, wealth, spirituality, religion be used to justify our inward needs? All these experiences make us who we believe we are. But they are outside influences. Do we ever sit down and free our mind from thoughts and memories? Can we do that? Will we? WHAT ARE WE WITHOUT OUR MEMORIES AND PAST?

We meditate on a thought; watch it rise; make note and not react - surpressing our desire to react. Is this the right kind of meditation when we take sides? A good thought, anger, envy, desire, hate etc. When we label each thought and give them names. When we note that they are thoughts; a whole list of conditionings. Think. What are we meditating on? Basically we are meditating on a barrage of unfair and biased events. Stealing is bad, killing is evil, adultry is immoral. So we can't meditate on such thoughts. Why? Where is our mindfulness? If we have the "right view" these thoughts shouldn't be discounted as negative and cast aside or played down. We have taken the wrong step since day one because we are educated, compelled and subtly moulded to think in a certain way. To JUDGE something as right and wrong. Outwardly this judgement makes sense but inwardly we are being selfish.

Just ask yourself, is there anyone in your life that you have never judged? You even judge yourself. And ask yourself, who are you to judge? When we judge we create seperations. Each thing you believe in creates seperations and distinctions no matter how we promote it to enhance communion.

Unless you are certain, don't meditate because it only encloses yourself to what you believe as good and you forcefully evade what you think as bad. Taken to extremes, Hitler too believed that Jews were evil and annihiliation was an appropriate action to take against them. Because even good can have a darker side which promotes genocide. What is the difference between a person who meditates on goodness and wants to stay in a world where only good people live, thus builds a community for good people and not mingle with the rest whom she thinks as evil and a dictator? Again, who is she to judge?

In the end, the Noble Eightfold Path cannot be taken literally but on a deeper and subconsious level. Take it as far as you want so long as your mind is pure. Perhaps Lord Buddha was wise to advise his followers not to follow Him but to charter their own path individually. You are the world. The world won't change unless you change.

Pathless is a Path too

It is excruciatingly difficult to not to be paradoxical. I was reading Krishnamurti yesterday night and realised how he was struggling to not fall into the loops of paradox. I thought I was the only crazy soul on Earth having this problem. It looks like there are others out there. Perhaps plenty.

I have not joined many organised religions but after just a few times of interactions, I began to withdraw myself. Initially I thought I was strange for not being able to fit in. Later I just know deep down that something is "wrong" with organised religions. That in the end I only worship the people and not the divine. I became bound by rituals and habits without knowing why. And after a while it doesn't matter if I don't know why. I am praising my self outwardly because I am part of a group. Identification with an established association - the Spiritualists. And the ego enlarges. "What a good girl I am for attending prayer classes. I am not in a pub drinking myself to death." But really, who am I to judge?

It is a wrong turn since the beginning. Even during Lord Buddha's time, his teachings were misunderstood. Perhaps even the World Honored One too were caught in paradox. How to explain something which can't be put into words but only when the mind is silent one can be experiencing? When put into words it solidifies into a thought which has an ego.

How to put into words something unknowable when words are threacherous and insufficient?

How to rely on words when they are used by humans sarcastically? To hurt others and inherently believe that we have a right to do so because I am defending myself. What defense can it be when being sarcastic means making a fool out of yourself? It is ill humour and the joke is only on the maker of the statements. Because right inside, the mind knows. But on the outside the ego acts in contradictions.

But then how good are words? How good is a path? How do I speak without words that ultimately disproved what I have just said? How do I avoid the incompleteness of words?

I shouldn't utter this in words but take it as a representation. I shall not seek. Not seeking is also seeking for something that should not be seeked.

Rambling on

Just some thoughts here and there...

*When one is not in tuned with day and night, one has lost the balance in self-nature. When it is day time one should move and work while at night it is time for resting, rejuvenation and contemplation. A time of peace and quiet. A young child is allocated time to study, work, play and rest. But as an adult he has lost this balance. During the day he is alert and fills his mind with activities. At night his activities do not stop but continue with lights, people, drinks, cars, streets, parties, games and noise. No time to rest and to reflect. Always on the go. The mind is always restless. When nature is the best mirror to look into we turn away from it foolishly. Animals divide their time neatly according to it but humans find this method boring. A mundane life is not worth living so it seems. But an interesting life grows with the flow of nature and not against it. When it is time to work, work. When it is time to sleep, sleep and sleep well. For it is in resting we prepare for the next battle. Perhaps we should stop from our busy schedule and listen to our body and to watch the sun and the moon. How much we can learn from them and to live in harmony with ourselves.

*Sometimes the same person can reach out and keep you warm, care for you and make you laugh until you pee in your pants, dish out insurmountable sincerity and love. The same person can also annoy, irritate, hurt and ignore your feelings. But these are the ingredients of a relationship. It is a little sweet, sour, bitter and salty although never out of love, consideration and trust.

*The difference between a person who seeks spirituality from books and a person who dedicates his whole life to a monastery is that the former knows the theory, understands his faults but rarely practises the good. While the later practises what he memorises to be good but rarely understands them. In the meantime people still fight and kill in the name of world peace.

Ciao!

What color are you?

BLUE You give your love and friendship unconditionaly. You enjoy long, thoughtful conversations rich in philosophy and spirituality. You are very loyal and intuitive. Find out your color at Quiz Me!

I agree. Blue is my favorite color too. Let's see if it works for you.

Better than Better

There are many things that are not worth the angst, hatred and envy. There are many things not worth doing. My questions are if we don't do something full heartedly then where is our goal, our passion and dreams? What is a man without his dreams?

To begin with anger, hatred and jealousy are negative emotions. I reckon things are worthwhile if our intentions are good. There is no need to dislike anyone to the extent of creating malice. Maybe there is no need to even dislike. The Dalai Lama once said that when he woke up one morning he saw the watch he was wearing and he absolutely adored it. And the next day when he woke up he didn't like the watch. The watch didn't change. It was still the same. But the Mind did. The emotions did. The environment did. So before we react or say anything the usage of a filter is never a waste.

Patience to many people equals to giving in. Surrendering to the stronger and admitting that one is weaker. Someone who can't find the root of goodness in others doesn't have the compassion to be considerate - someone who thinks that "I am right" is so wrong.

Evil is always quick, cunning and more attractive. It does not promote patience which is pessimistic. It agitates and conjures such force that rumbles your clarity. Anger like lava consumes and destroys all it touches. We can't avoid evil. There is no running away. We can only change our attitude.

Once the internal balance is found patience is a force that excavates confusion and then realises, why need to be angry? Why hate? Why desire? What has been wronged but the ultimate ego?

After years of reading and experiencing the Ego, I am beginning to make friends with it. For I sincerely believe that we all need our egos to survive. It is the tiny bit of evil needed to prompt the goodness in us. The "yang" which nurtures the "ying". A friend that I will not suppress but to give her love, patience and care. Deep understanding is required for this lifelong relationship.

I love you, Wendy Loh Lai Si.

New Pet

My new pet, Siew Kai the Guinea Pig

I have grown to like animals a lot more now. They make good companions. I adopted a baby guinea pig on Valentine's day. Nothing significant of the date. It was purely incidental. I named him Siew Kai or Little Chicken because it is the year of the Rooster and I have certain fascinations for the "chickens" lately. At the moment he feels estranged from my humble abode. Nevertheless with time he should be familiarised with the smell, sound, sight and feel of my house. I try to cuddle him as much as I can - fearing at the same time that he may innocently drop something wet and hard on me. But with every pet I had, not only do they drop things on me, I end up cleaning their dirty work all the time.

Siew Kai is tame and docile. Even my 6 cm long dwarf hamster bullies him. I placed both on the floor today; trying to get them to break the ice. All efforts were in vain. My tiny hamster, Siew Sa Lei nibbled on Siew Kai who was 20 times her size and chewed on his fur and ear! Poor piggie was running away and thugged his head into my hand. He was terrified!

I am trying to understand Siew Kai's habits just as I did with Siew Sa Lei. I love this hamster of mine. She is very cute and knows my scent pretty well. However she just won't sit still for one second. Always sniffing and checking out everything. Nosy little thing is she.

Comparatively Siew Kai will just sit quietly on my lap or on the table while I do my work on the computer. A passive pet and laid back generally. But that doesn't make him dumb and unresponsive. He just takes things easy. A cool guy. I love my Siew Kai.

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There are things I wanted to say but I won't say. Suffice for me to express that I prefer to be the way I should be. I shall just do it. Sometimes speaking more will only delude things.

Oh! What a life.

I sent a package to a dear friend of mine in Canada for Christmas. Obviously I sent it 3 weeks or so before Santa did. However it never arrived! This friend of mine checked with the post office in late January. Today it is her birthday and I was not aware of it. I felt so bad and wished that I had sent her something.

To my utter surprise, the package I sent to her last December arrived today, on her BIRTHDAY! The delay was on purpose and it is more meaningful that she received the present on this special day.

Sometimes we have to be patient and wait for things to happen. Fret not when what we hope to occur didn't come true because it is not always a bad sign. Good omens are fostering elsewhere if we are not just too quick to react and too fast to judge.

The way is to understand the movement and the rest. Know when to act with firmness and to wait with detachment. Know when to ride on steadfastly and to apply our skills gently. Then we will have peace within. The trick is knowing the right timing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KUAN! MAY ALL THAT YOU WANT COME TRUE! MAY YOUR PATH TO SUCCESS BE FREE FROM OBSTACLES.

The Cosmic Dancer

This is an Indian hymm in the Tamil language which is dedicated to Lord Shiva, in his form as Lord Nataraja, the Cosmic Dancer.

Pechinal kittumo perimbam thaneda,
Peyarakku sonnal koopam varumeda,
Nasikku nere nadu nettikulleda,
Nathan thiru natanam aduraan pareda .

The English translation:

Pechinal kittumo perimbam thaneda,
-If you add (suffix) names like Ananda, Baba, Hamsa etc to the name will it get the perfection of its real meaning and its effects,

Peyarakku sonnal koopam varumeda,
- The mad guys (people who only know the literal meaning of practice of Pranayama) will get more upset if we say the same

Nasikku nere nadu nettikulleda,
-Exactly above the nose inside the forehead,

Nathan thiru natanam aduraan pareda
-Is where you find your Guru (Nathan), the one who is doing his cosmic dance!

Sometimes we travel far in search of a Guru - a spiritual teacher. Some don't believe or are aware that we need one. But in the end, a Guru will teach us that we should not follow his footsteps and memorise what he preaches. Because even Lord Buddha, the Enlightened One tells us to analyse and investigate before following and not to tail the path set by our forebears.

It is a transformation of mind and we shall see our Lord dancing in eternity; the substance of change.

Lord Buddha said, "Noble monks and sages, you should practise this teachings which can be likened to pure gold not because of your devotion to me but because you have examined it thoroughly."


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SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!

If you have the time, please take a listen to the Tsunami Song, which is created by some of the employees of Hot 97 FM - a New York radio station. It is not a decent act to make fun of the Tsunami victims and if you feel like it , after listening write a complain to fccinfo@fcc.gov to voice your opinions.

Hot 97 Program before airing Tsunami Song
http://www.koreanx.net/mailer/misc/hot97_tsunami.mp3


Thank you.

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I Have A Dream - Martin Luther King Jr.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal." I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to sit down together at a table of brotherhood. I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a desert state, sweltering with the heat of injustice and oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice. I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day the state of Alabama, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today. I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together. This is our hope. This is the faith with which I return to the South. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring." And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania! Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado! Let freedom ring from the curvaceous peaks of California! But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia! Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee! Let freedom ring from every hill and every molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

When we let freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

Peace

Calligraphy by Master Nan Huai-Chin

Something I penned for the Lunar New Year.

The heart beats
To the drum of the Universe
The mind sings
To the song of the Spirits
The body dances
To the rhythm of Changes.
Peace flows in you
Peace is you.

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Fast for Lent
Fast for God
Fast for your neigbours
Fast for realising
Fast for goodness
Fast for the Gospel
But know why you fast
Not a deprivation
But an appreciation
What you have
You give up freely
So that you See
The reality
Aware of the gift
Bestowed by our Father
Heaven is within you
Don't look any further.
A new life from resurrection
40 days of Sans
On Easter we celebrate
For Christ we live
For Christ we bring
thy Kingdom close to our hearts.

Amen.

Walk With Me

Lucy Ching played by Alice Lau and her nanny Sister Woh played by the late Hui Fun.

《誰可伴我》

從前是你輕把我拖　
這刻高飛只得個我
提攜共引導關心加臂助　
我欠你多 今分手嘆奈何　
長陪伴我一起走過
教我奮起更生的一課　
全憑是你伴我 令我一生沒怯懦　
誰人為我做更多

多得你愛護 熱情在心窩開花結果
全賴你幫助　今生你伴我　
你為我青春磋跎 誰全力照料我認清楚　
艱苦你勉勵熱情伴我衝破萬難　
挨盡了饑餓 今生你為我　你受了酸苦幾何　
完全沒有後悔地將心獻給我

長陪伴我一起走過　
教我奮起更生的一課 全憑是你伴我　
令我一生沒怯懦 誰人為我做更多

多得你愛護　熱情在心窩開花結果　
全賴你幫助 今生你伴我　
你為我青春磋跎　誰全力照料我認清楚
艱苦你勉勵　熱情伴我衝破萬難　挨盡了饑餓
今生你為我　你受了酸苦幾何　完全沒有淡化
在心中記清楚

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR EVERYONE!
It's the year of the Golden Rooster and I wish you all the best of everything.

I will end the year of the Monkey with a post about the best movie that returned into my life after nearly 8 years; One of the Lucky Ones. A true story about Lucy Ching, the first blind Chinese woman who willed her way into university in the 1950s. Her nanny, Sister Woh was the support that gave her courage to follow her heart. Sister Woh's sacrifice and unconditional love were Lucy's pair of eyes. She changed the fate of many sightless Chinese folks by obtaining a university degree and through her and this movie I motivate myself to work even harder. Not to earn more money or to achieve a fancy status in society but to be sincere and make my life worth living.

With this I attached along the lyrics of the theme song sung by the leading actress Alice Lau. The meaning is straightforward and melts one conscience. It is something that I would dedicate to my own mother or to someone who has given his or her entire life to loving, caring and nurturing you.

Best wishes for the New Year.

Wendy

Software vs Hardware - Technical Error

Like in my previous post, my editing software, Adobe Premier 6.5 died on me. I am not sure if it is the fault of my dv camera (Sony TRV900 which is now an obsolete prosumer model) or XP has some broken files, missing drivers or something else. I have been editing for nearly 8 months on this machine and it worked absolutely fine. But now I realised that the fake / squeeze 16:9 function creates much instabilities during the editing process. Adobe Premier 6.5 performs wonders and the final edit of my shots are rather professional. However now it stretches the images which were shot in fake 16:9 into 4:3 display. All this while I switched my camera to 16:9 that gives it a tiny film look because of the black bars at the top and bottom; letterbox. Nonetheless all of a sudden Adobe recognizes the underlying format of 4:3 and does not read the images in 16:9. Therefore everything is elongated, much to the elation of chubby folks like me. We look extra tall and slim.

I have been told to uninstall Adobe and XP. I need to add-on 16:9 converters software or to download relevant plug-ins. But it worked well and I never encountered such problems and hindrances. Still software are highly unpredictable creatures. They wear-out, rebel and make enemies along the way. As a result of which they get into conflicts with other software, programs and peripherals.

Nothing remains the same and everything dissipates within the illusion of time. After all even computers and machines are not exempted from old age, sickness and finally death.

Red Cap

I spent the whole day receiving phone calls and calling others; be it to friends or to clients. By dinner time I was drained and noticed I have yet to do what I had planned. Straight after dinner I went ahead and put my full concentration on what needs to be done. Although I could not come up with an answer but at least I am aware that I have to find other ways to rectify this mistake.

Again it proved to me that it is the PROCESS and not the RESULT which is rejoicing and refreshing. It was either I could fix the mistake or not. But sitting through many painful hours was rewarding because I learned how to cope with failures emotionally, found out different ways to use the software physically and this motivated me to think mentally for other solutions. Above all it very much tested my patience and enduring power.

Now I am going to read a book and listen to some music. Good night.

I HAVE A DATE WITH ALICE LAU!

As Time Goes By

June used to be my meditation course mate. When I first met her she was this hyper active individual. Every little thing excited her or made her extremely unhappy. She said that she wanted to control her emotions because it was taking her to extremes and she was rather disturbed by it. She was afraid that it would affect her health and her relationship with her husband. She had her blood pressure and ECG checked and they showed signs that her mood swings were applying unwanted stress on her heart.

When one sees her one would think she is the most bubbly person you have ever met. She would burst into laughters and even roll onto the floor if something was funny. We all enjoyed her company. However, our meditation master warned that she needed to find a balance; a neutral zone where her emotions are not magnified by her unrest mind. If not she will suffer from a nervous breakdown.

After about 10 lessons, I saw some changes in her. She was calmer and would not over react to the smallest of incident. The look on her face was serene and a sudden glow enveloped the crown of her head. I was delighted to find such progress.

Lately I received an email from her. She told me that her friends prefer the "old" June. Because she is now too serious, calm and unexcitable. Her friends would do their best to bring here back to her old state. Until they succeed to either tease her to fight back or make her anxious, they would not stop.

Maybe her friends do not know how important it is for June to keep a calm state. Perhaps they want someone who could entertain them. To them June was being arrogant and was putting up a front to make herself more superior. But they don't realise that inner peace is something that June and everyone need. If June feels that being hyper active is bothering her, then she has every right to make positive changes. As friends we should support her and not condemn her for her effort.

It is not easy to judge and know what is right and wrong. Even the wisest cannot tell what will happen in the end. What is right and wrong is always conditional and never absolute. What is right now can be wrong when the context has changed and when our interpretation of what is good has changed. But I deeply believe that there are some basic fundamental goodness in all of us. This won't change. Killing and stealing are wrong no matter under what circumstances. Exceptions are by far few and little. Robin Hoods are not free from legal punishments either. Two wrongs don't make a right.

I think modern people are losing their divinity - their union with God and nature. Because to venture into the realm of the divine is to erase all boxes of black and white. We have now shades of grey and uncertainty. What's on the outside is very clear because we see others do it. We see our parents, friends and enemies do it. But to know the truth of the matter is to look inside yourself. To go to that place of sanctuary in heaven not above you but in you. It is there where you will find that what is right and wrong shouldn't really matter but only a play of mind.

To get there, I think I am far from it. The forest is too thick and the air too damp. Maybe one day I will be there and truly enjoy the breeze.

Break

It's been a few days since I posted something here. I have been busy skipping from one book to another. I finally read "A History Of God" by Karen Armstrong. I didn't finish reading it of course but I can see where this book will lead me. However I won't be surprised if Ms. Armstrong will reshape the tracks (not in a bad sense) along the way.

I bought Deepak Chopra's "The Book of Secrets". The opening paragraph of the introduction seems faintly like the poetry of Goethe, "Faust". Both speak of the fact that man searches not for fame, wealth, power, sex, education, entertainment and material gains. Because even when man does succeed in obtaining one physical pleasure, he won't be satisfied or ever will be. It becames an endless pursuits. Because the search is for something more spiritual, novel and unknown. When I am in the mood I will post both the passages.

Many nights were spent on translations and writing. Perhaps also planning to write a script for a stage play. I wrote 5 scripts and 4 were staged. That was nearly 14 years ago but I can feel the burst of unlimitted gratification to see my drama unfold before my eyes. I guess this is what Chopra and Goethe referred to as a spiritual awakening. Artistic expressions are direct links to the mythical patterns in our unconscious. And spiritual awakening is not a one off event. It is a spectrum of meanings that suffaces when the seeds ripen. How and when the seeds will ripen depends very much on one ownself.

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I find that lately I have problems getting my message across to others. The things that didn't annoy me before suddenly is such an annoying bug. Maybe it's the late night sleep due to work, the shift of perspestive on what is worth chasing and what is not (not related to Her), the books I read and a dire need to study Spiritual Science, Theology and Mythology.

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Writing meditation:

A secret love
Hunts my mind
I need to love
It kills my pride.

Words don't mean
What they mean
If the mind stays clear
From hate and fear.

Courage soars
Lion roars
I find me in its' jaw
Strength of flesh
Ills the mess
Stength of mind
To it be kind.

Shoes

In Poetry words don't mean what they ordinarily do. Well what you normally understand a word / sentence to signify should be thrown away. This is not my best work. In fact this poem is bad but I like the idea behind it's composition. So I have decided to post it here. Enjoy.

Shoes

The rain pours on her
Drop by drop they wet her clothes
Drenched, callous to the conditions
Hair a mess, tangled, twisted like her brains
Water drips from the corner of her dreary eyes
No spot dry, an unsoiled umbrella in hand
she roams the weary street in shame.
Sees the One she will switch
Carefully she sneaks and suddenly she hits
The One falls down; bag and used umbrella flew
she desires to be the One who is ideal
protected from the rain always happy with no pain.
The One surprised by the attack lays on an aching back
Watching in wonder, harshly Her shoes were removed.
she grins, puts them on and they fit well – satisfied
Living in the shoes of the flawless One!
Triumph rules she turns to look, the exalted One hurt and soaked
Sitting in shock on the dirty road
Her prosthetic left leg exposed.