new year

HAPPY 2006!

~diet coke & kfc~

male

Does the word romance neccesarily mean that it would be a soulmate relationship with a man? It is something I shall find out and I am very much looking forward to it.

I was reading JC's book yesterday and the pertinent question he asked was what is the symbol of an unforgettable event in one's life? Why do certain things happen the way they do that they bring immense sorrows? If one fails to crack the pain and live through it, the diamond at the end of the tunnel will not be in reach. Without sufferings there will be no resurrection. It is not merely as simple as no pain, no gain. There is nothing to gain physically as in there really is a touchable diamond at the end of the tunnel. What it should refer to is a transformation of the mind, which is a realisation that the moment is the same as the eternal. The victorious defeat of a mental battle means we have unshelled the old self, giving birth to a new self. The old has to die for the new to be born. It is a fact of life. To hold on to the psychological past deters not only a fundamental growth but it creates a very boring life.

As I stop reasoning why a certain someone can be utterly important, the obsession stops too. I guess I dare say that I don't quite know this person whom I love unconditionally. What I know is merely third best, which is the worse. It is merely a projection of a self-painted image. It is a result of an unfair magnification of the qualites I like; those that make me feel so good. Should I stop pretending to be perfect and to have unblemished knowledge of this person, I will then truly begin to know myself.

Only then do I see.

complexity

If a man considers that he is born, he cannot avoid the fear of death. Let him find out if he has been born or if the Self has any birth. He will discover that the Self always exists, that the body that is born resolves itself into thought and that the emergence of thought is the root of all mischief. Find from where thoughts emerge. Then you will be able to abide in the ever-present inmost Self and be free from the idea of birth or the fear of death.-

Ramana Maharshi

the nightmare before Christmas

This line never left me since the first time I heard it. "What have you given to the society to demand for comfort and to complain about discomfort?"

Charity is not practised. Charity is love, for without the feeling of love one is not charitable. Charity is not a gift to cancel away negative karma. For the very intention of kindness to repent for some previous evil acts is in itself impure. This is not taken from a 16th century poem nor it is a gush of emotional outbreak. It is said after deep inquiry. An inquiry not based on religious beliefs and conditioned thinking. It is an inquiry of the self as it is.

Many days and nights I lived for the sole purpose of surviving. Once in a while a tiny excitement strikes the mind and the chase begins. When the chase is over, it is back to mediocrity. Life is short and therefore it must not only be lived but experienced. The more reason it is not to be wasted on drinking in pubs and womanising. But the irony of the 21st century is that the uncertainty and unpredictability of the events that occur provide for a foolish logic to squander.

This is my nightmare before Christmas.

The birth of Christ is the birth of a new hope from the heart. The birth of Christ brings light to illuminate the web filled mind. May the Christ in us brings to walk the path of reality.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Merry Christmas.

serf

the intuitive mind is a sacred

gift and the rational mind is a

faithful servant. we have created

a society that honors the servant

and has forgotten the gift.

ALBERT EINSTEIN

the prayer of St. Francis

lord, make me an instrument of thy peace
where there is hatred, let me sow love
where there is injury, pardon
where there is doubt, faith
where there is despair, hope
where there is darkness, light
where there is sadness, joy

o divine master, grant that i may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console
to be understood as to understand
to be loved as to love
for it is in giving that we receive
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned
it is in dying to self that we are born to eternal life.

magical mermaids & dolphins

Soulmate relationship
New romance with a spiritual basis is here for you now.

Have faith
Your prayers are manifesting. Remain positive, and follow your guidance.

sweet quotes

Lam Ah Chi...Lam Ah Wah...Have you ever stolen a David Chiang poster...Mr. Bollywood is good looking...Not my taste but the body is not bad...I know I know...Oh! You like it too...If the shuttles don't fly...Why jump from the aeroplane...She sings all songs the tok chang way...Dancing all night...Sallying all night (and day)!

Thanks for the address books.

I love you!

headache

i wonder when will the giddiness disappear. maybe i shouldn't try to look for panacea. maybe i should let the thought be full and steady; disturbance adds, denial represses and activity enhances.

be present. be here and now.

platitude

Can the mind stop talking? Awareness / mindfulness / insight is the third best I want when we meet.

you're beautiful

My life is brilliant.

My life is brilliant.

My love is pure.

I saw an angel.

Of that I'm sure.

She smiled at me on the subway.

She was with another man

But I won't lose no sleep on that,

'Cause I've got a plan.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

I'll never be with you.

Yeah, she caught my eye,

As we walked on by.

She could see from my face that I was,

Flying high,

And I don't think that I'll see her again,

But we shared a moment that will last till the end.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

I saw your face in a crowded place,

And I don't know what to do,

'Cause I'll never be with you.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful, it's true.

There must be an angel with a smile on her face,

When she thought up that I should be with you.

But it's time to face the truth,

I will never be with you.

(by the talented james blunt)

super

A series of blunders in the past 3 days put me through many unforgettable tests. Technical errors or not, I am not sure how facts can be stranger than fiction; in this case they are ingratiatingly painful. The mistakes were caused by human negligence and the lack of experience of working under pressure. If I were to expose the reason of the failure, I don't want to do it out of pleasure. I don't see a valid reason as to why I should inform the clients that, unless it is to prove that I single handedly completed the project in 2003 without qualms. Since I was not there to fully run the show this time, unimaginable errors arose. But worry not; I am here to save the day.

There is no such thing as a complete mistake whereby it will falsify and ruin one's entire life. Nothing is absolute, even wrongs.

in the memory of ,,,

Parting from you is a short time, the pain lasts for eternity.

Rest in peace.

m1 m2

This is a joke. It can't be happening. Perhaps I should look at it seriously. When m1 faded, m2 came into the picture. The haunting claws and demands of m1 have diminished. m1's time is over.

The power of m2 is taking hold of me.

I need it to give me a sense of security, identity and activity.

I don't quite know how to explain what I should do.

There is nothing I must do.

Just watch...

it is all there

One cannot presuppose the beginning of time or the universe because it is self-contradictory. When one says that the universe begins it implies that time already existed prior to the beginning of time. The whole operation of the universe amazes mankind. When one stares into the sky, witnesses the waxing and waning of the moon that calls the rising and falling of the tide, what is the force behind such a phenomenon – one asks. I am not sure if animals and inanimate objects feel the same. I guess maybe not because they don’t fall out of the natural flow of universal laws.

The faculty of mind which hosts the power of reasoning and imagination sets us apart from animals and plants. The irony is that the ability to reason and think pushes mankind away from the centre of the universe when animals and plants remain loyal and intact.

Since primordial times, man created stories and rituals to explain its relationship to the enigmatic universe. Man wondered why does the sun rise in the east and set in the west. How can trees that are immobile be self-sufficient while man who is free to roam has to struggle much more? A plant automatically faces the sun to absorb heat as if there is an unspoken law and hidden hand that pulls it towards that direction. You don’t see a plant turning away from the sun, from its source of nourishment. However, we see a man doing that. We see a man denying the very essence of life. We observe man going against and not endorsing life. Then everything becomes difficult. It is not just mere acceptance. It is not about saying, “I know I am like this and that.” It is seeing that the person who says “I know” and the doer is the one and same individual.

Life lives on life. This is a fact and it is something that we all have to accept. Vegetarians or not, we kill to survive.

darling...

Husband & Wife ... the difference

She is my idol.
I am her fan.

In the end, love is nothing.

He is a singer.
He is her man.

In the end, love is something.

I love candid shots! (Thanks, Jenny.) 

solitude

a fluffy toy-bear - sometimes i see you as one. someone i'd love to cuddle and protect. but the truth is you are a ferocious tiger, a strong bull and a witty mouse. you don't need me. i am only a meek lamb who fakes the tenacity of a lion, although nothing will ever stop me.

my fluffy bear, i am glad you are fine. i know you are not alone even if it seems that you are. the whole team is constantly behind you. i am far down the line. i should know where i stand. my archetypes are the fool and the hermit but passionate love won't grant me such allowance.

madness is keeping me sane.

insanity

there is no limit but only madness. and only with a dash of madness can one face changes without flinching. seriously speaking, if i am not mad no one else would do the work i do now.

cheers!

all or nothing

I pretend that you are really in my life. Perhaps you are but only in a limited way. I will see you tomorrow, a glance from a distance is enough to make my heart beat. I am still nervous as ever - speechless and dumb. You and only you can do this to me. I do everything I can to make you smile and this is all I want.

I will see you tomorrow - maybe it is only a glance from a distance. Because there will never be intimacy and I ask for none.

You believed there were not many types of love but to your surprise, you found a new kind. However, the one you found is not a single discovery. Here, I show you a love which you think do not exist.

爱的可能

你出现我身边像个奇迹发生
没想到会是你让我如此失魂
我心中的感觉是这样陌生
快乐的牵挂在相聚的每一分
曾以为我见过所有爱的可能
这一刻才明了我有多么天真
想给你全世界一刻我都不愿等
想要你的心却怕不能成真
因为你有你的人生
我有我的旅程
在前方还有等着你的人
你会哭会笑会爱会伤神
你会不会敲我的门
虽然你对我的认真
我也感动万分
你终究不是属于我的人
但记得在你孤单的时候
我会伸出双手
我会是你朋友 到永久

I don't know what will happen but I can't turn back now. Regardless of the consequences I will be true until the end.

reward

Questioner: "I have listened to you for many years and I have become quite good at watching my thoughts and being aware of every thing I do, but I have never touched the deep waters or experienced the transformation of which you speak. Why?"

Krishnamurti: I think it is fairly clear why none of us do experience something beyond the mere watching. There may be rare moments of an emotional state in which we see, as it were, the clarity of the sky between clouds, but I do not mean anything of that kind. All such experiences are temporary and have very little significance. The questioner wants to know why, after these many years of watching, he hasn't found the deep waters. Why should he find them? Do you understand? You think that by watching your own thoughts you are going to get a reward: if you do this, you will get that. You are really not watching at all, because your mind is concerned with gaining a reward. You think that by watching, by being aware, you will be more loving, you will suffer less, be less irritable, get something beyond; so your watching is a process of buying. With this coin you are buying that, which means that your watching is a process of choice; therefore it isn't watching, it isn't attention. To watch is to observe without choice, to see yourself as you are without any movement of desire to change, which is an extremely arduous thing to do; but that doesn't mean that you are going to remain in your present state. You do not know what will happen if you see yourself as you are without wishing to bring about a change in that which you see. Do you understand?

I am going to take an example and work it out, and you will see. Let us say I am violent, as most people are. Our whole culture is violent; but I won't enter into the anatomy of violence now, because that is not the problem we are considering. I am violent, and I realize that I am violent. What happens? My immediate response is that I must do something about it, is it not? I say I must become non-violent. That is what every religious teacher has told us for centuries: that if one is violent one must become non-violent. So I practise, I do all the ideological things. But now I see how absurd that is, because the entity who observes violence and wishes to change it into non-violence, is still violent. So I am concerned, not with the expression of that entity, but with the entity himself. You are following all this, I hope?

Now, what is that entity who says, `I must not be violent'? Is that entity different from the violence he has observed? Are they two different states? Do you understand, sirs, or is this too abstract? It is near the end of the talk and probably you are a bit tired. Surely, the violence and the entity who says, `I must change violence into non-violence', are both the same. To recognize that fact is to put an end to all conflict, is it not? There is no longer the conflict of trying to change, because I see that the very movement of the mind not to be violent is itself the outcome of violence.

So, the questioner wants to know why it is that he cannot go beyond all these superficial wrangles of the mind. For the simple reason that, consciously or unconsciously, the mind is always seeking something, and that very search brings violence, competition, the sense of utter dissatisfaction. It is only when the mind is completely still that there is a possibility of touching the deep waters.

6th public talk Ojai, 21st July 1955 from the booklet "Surely, Freedom From the Self is the True Function of Man"

don't ever stop

There was once a young aspiring writer in the 19th century, who had everything going against him. He had only attended school for four years and his father was in jail for unpaid debts.

He stuck labels on jars to earn a living and slept in a rat-infested warehouse in the slums of London. However, he persisted in his writing and would sneak out at night to post his manuscripts to editors so that no one would laugh at him.

His stories were repeatedly rejected and turned down. But one day, just one was finally accepted. The editor who accepted that manuscript praised the young man's writing.

That night, the young man walked the streets of London dazed... with tears rolling down his cheeks. His name was Charles Dickens.

the unspeakables

Pain, grief, sorrows and sadness are not words. They are feelings and feelings are not spoken; they are felt. How can one explain the hurt that comes together with love without falling into the shortness of language. And after a while there is the desire to go beyond words and to communicate in a different way. Perhaps there is another method. The fullness of love runs away never from grieve of parting, losing and distance. But when one loves hollistically, losing a loved one is the most fundamental term of life and it is there when one enters into a relationship of any kind. And to love this term and not reject it as evil, is to completely love. Then no words can fail because there is no need for words.

a familiar place

Have I been there before?
Was I there when great battles were fought over the Holy Land?
Did my blood soak the grounds as that of my brothers?

I don't belong here, at least some parts of me don't feel at home. No, this is not how I want to put it. Maybe, it knows. The one who is not physical sees the truth.

valour

Only a fool believes in chivalry and honour, but I shall be the fool.

drifitng

Flow with whatever may happen
and let your mind be free;
Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing.
This is the ultimate.

-Chuang Tsu

Post II

After all, talking about things does not bring out the actual truth of the matter. What one can dwell upon is merely the surface of an endless tunnel.

temperance

The power of the mind is not limited by its physical casting. In this case, the human body acts as a hindrance because it creates a sense of solidity and immutable existance. Einstein's theory of relativity dissected all matter into energy. Thus that which is tangible is an illusion. The entire physical world is not real. Nonetheless, there are doubts that cross the faculty of logic which discard such thoughts. How can the "me" be not real? One can touch, taste, smell, see and hear effortlessly. Perhaps for those who do not step beyond the five senses, the world exists in a singular dimension; that which is real is what I deem to be.

For such persons, the mind is shut and so is the way. The body is not treated as a vessel, an organism like the flowers and the animals. Under such circumstances, the body is a sponge of pleasure; absorbing all that brings immense joy. If one uses the body only to evaluate, the mind lays dormant and wasted.

Sense pleasure and worldly esctasy are not wrong and sinful but indulgence and lust for bodily fun is. The uncontrollable urge to rule others and the importance of self-expression endorses the ego. This in turn prevents the mind from growing spiritually and morally. It is filled with tomorrows, plans, promotions, monies, competitions, etc.,etc. Progress is not wrong but placing uncurtailed credence in its ability to make everything better is evil.

Progress will not make the world a better place and change a person's attitude. Only a human can do that. It is the mind that forges glorious moments. And that moment is now.

Points

The thoughts are harnessed in tandem like horses before a carriage. When a stimulant arises the whip lands on the body, a whack and immediately a snort is heard from the nostrils; without further hessitation the carriage is pulled forward.

Look left, look right. (Thanks for taking the picture, Michelle!) 

something stupid

I know I stand in line
Until you think you have the time
To spend an evening with me
And if we go someplace to dance
I know that there's a chance
You won't be leaving with me

Then afterwards we drop into a quiet little place
And have a drink or two
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you

I can see it in your eyes
That you despise the same old lines
You heard the night before
And though it's just a line to you
For me it's true
And never seemed so right before

I practice every day to find some clever lines to say
To make the meaning come through
But then I think I'll wait until the evening gets late
And I'm alone with you
The time is right
Your perfume fills my head
The stars get red
And oh the night's so blue
And then I go and spoil it all
By saying something stupid
Like I love you

I love you...

PS: This is exactly how I feel when I am with you. What can I do when all I know is I love you?

the greatest

all, everything that i understand, i understand only because i love.

- Leo Tolstoy

many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it.

- Song of Solomon

Always.  

Sally and me.

Things on the outside may not seem to be the way they are. We like to pretend that we are doing good, much better than someone else. It is always necessary to find a scapegoat, that someone whom we readily condemn and criticise. Because this is the only way we know that we are loved, by believing that someone else gets lesser than us. On the other hand, someone who gets more love is a noted enemy. It is all highly pretentious.

But I know now that loving a person is only fulfilled in silence. There are many magic moments that I feel when all is quiet. In tranquility, I see and feel you. Not because you love someone less or the other more. It is because love is not discriminatory and fake.

In that few seconds, I never felt so loved.

Thanks for the motivation.  

right here waiting

i guess that i am utterly wrong. "the tower" does symbolize an occurance of uncontrolled destructive events that would pulverize everything. i am idealistic and undeniably self-pleasing. how can i avoid the truth by creating false hopes?

Levels

Do objects like rocks, stones, plants, trees and air talk? Perhaps among each other and cracking jokes on humans. To the human minds this kind of thinking is absurb and definitely not very friendly. Talking rocks and singing trees drive our imaginations out of the norm. Anything abnormal is not acceptable. We seem to have fixed categories of things. Wthouth such categories nothing will function and will fall into chaos, so we prematurely believe. In a game of football without rules turns it into a barbaric encounter. We are so caught up with rules, with what is right and what is wrong. The worst is there seem to be immutable fixations on the right can never be wrong. Compounding the issue is that we all believe that this world we live is real and this world is self-reliant. Nonetheless, there is a conflict because unconsciously we do want to talk to rocks, trees and plants. The imagination may not be abnormal after all.

Boyhood

Henry: Can I speak to you, please? In private.

Mr. Lawson : Yes, of course.

Henry: I am sorry, Uncle David. I am sorry to have disturbed you in your chambers.

Mr. Lawson : No, no not at all, Henry. What brings you here and in such haste?

Henry : It is about my mother.

Mr. Lawson : I fear the day will come, Henry.

Henry : She is gravely ill and has taken to bed for 3 days.

Mr. Lawson : Has she gone to the hospital?

Henry : No, Uncle David. That is why I am here. Can you please talk to her? She only listens to you.

Mr. Lawson : I am afraid that I can't, Henry. My presence will only add more shame to her and bring misfortunes to her family, to you.

Henry : It is Uncle John, isn't it? He doesn't want you to see my mother again.

Mr. Lawson : He is only protecting his family.

Henry : You are only protecting someone you love. But on ther hand, Uncle John does not want to see her sister hurt again.

Mr. Lawson : Henry, you know when little boys grow up, numbers don't mean anything. It is what's in here, inside the heart, something grand happens. It is like winter melting into spring and the first flower blossoms to the first call of the birds. You become a man. Master Henry, you are now a man and there is no one else who can talk to your mother but you.

Student for Life

Who wants to learn for life? Me. As long as I am clinically alive, I learn. I won't get a degree and am no where near to obtaining a PH.D! But it is not about qualification. It is about finding the bliss that opens invisible doors. In English it means, follow my dreams.

Mastery

"The ultimate leave-taking is the leaving of God for God."
- Meister Eckhart

The role of an arranger is not to exclude but to include everyone. She is to communicate the voices of the people and to provide information to avoid gaps of doubts and misunderstandings. All actions and decisions are never to promote self-gratification but collective happiness.

Writing to Mother Teresa

Dear Mother,

This is my first letter to you. I hope that it is not too late. I know you will be able to read it, somewhere. To begin with, I am not a Christian. I can be religious and I pray to be spiritual. But in you I see God, Christ, the divine, love, compassion, the Buddha and the entire mankind. I don't see or even feel that a seperation exists among religions. When you speak of Christ, I find love emanating and when you speak of God, I sense the vibrations of the universe.

You touched my soul immensely and I find words too inadequate to tell you how I feel. But I will try. I ask that you could patiently listen to my impoverished speech.

I am a lost little child and am running in circles constantly. At times I see a light flickering out of no where and I run towards it only to find that it is an illusion. Even if I didn't imagine it, when I held it in my hands, I can't handle the heat. Very soon I pour water over it. I find excuses and the most ridiculous ones, mind you. Justifications are used to protect pains from usurping.

Maybe this is a confession, of course minus the priest and the small compartment. Maybe this is just another ego trip.

Mother, you forget about yourself completely and surrendered yourself to the divine. I am still stuck at the lowest level of materialism. If I can stop typing and seeking "I" choicelessly, perhaps I can hold your hands.

But you are a great mother. You will hold my hands irrespective of how pretentious and cruel I am. And this is what makes me weep. Because no matter what I have done, you forgave me.

I only pray that I can forgive myself.

Mother, can you...no, this is not how I want to put it.

Mother, love...love is great. Not the love for one person. But love for life. Respect and care for the elders, sick and less fortunate because then you are respecting and loving life itself. Then, love is for everyone.

Mother, the REAL thing can only be understood in silence. But I talk too much. A whole lot of rubbish most of the time. Because I think I am scared. Scared to be alone. Scared to face myself and God. So, there is a need to talk and chatter, chatter, chatter.

Mother, you know...

With what no words can spell out,
Wendy

The Biographer

A young girl at the tender age of 6 had a dream. She practiced singing and dancing in front of an improvised audience. She displayed pictures and posters of celebrities in a room and pretended to perform for them. She believed in this dream and it took her on a bountiful path. Twelve years later in 1979, she released her first Mandarin album in Taiwan and in 1984, her first Cantonese album in Hong Kong. A multi-talented artist, in 1980 she starred in her first movie, “One Match Stick”. Thereafter, nothing could stop the advent of Sally Yeh into the entertainment industry.

Born in Taipei on September 30th, 1961 Sally spent her early years and received her formal education in Victoria, Canada and as a result of which, English became her common language. Barely knowing much Cantonese and reading little Chinese, her foremost Cantonese song “Ten Minutes Passed Midnight” which was composed by her now husband, George Lam, became an instant hit.

A quarter of a century later, Sally has passed the test of time successfully. She kick-off a 25th anniversary concert tour last year with sold-out shows in Hong Kong, Malaysia, Beijing, Australia, Canada and U.S.A. This year she was invited to perform with the prestigious Hong Kong Philharmonic Orchestra and demonstrated that she is still the queen of Canto-pop. With nearly 100 solo performances world wide under her belt, she is deemed to be a darling of Asian music scene who never fails to mesmerize.

True to her words, Sally will not settle for anything less than perfection. This is why each of her 30 albums reflects the determination, integrity and potency of Sally as an artist. Her inimitable style and authentic vocal won her countless awards and she is Hong Kong’s best female singer for four consecutive years at the Jade Solid Gold Award Presentation ceremony. She won two major “Song of the Year” awards in 1988 and 1990. After returning from a 5-year hiatus in 2002, radio stations such as RTHK and Metro Showbiz unanimously honored her come back hit “Bygone Hurt”. Outside of Hong Kong, Sally has established a household name whereby she rightfully garnered the best female singer award from Taiwan, Singapore and Malaysia in the 1990s. She was also a prime Asian artist to have sung with James Ingram and Tommy Page.

When it comes to acting, Sally is a serious and dedicated worker. An iron lady, she took up wu shu training and kickboxing and suffered from back injuries as a result of falling off a horse in a scene. Despite the pains, she went into the studio to record the theme song of the movie for two hours. Her efforts were recognized when she was nominated for “Best Actress” at the 6th Hong Kong Film Awards for her role in “Beijing Opera Blues”. To the disappointment of many fans, after starring in 25 movies she has decided to take a break until the right script comes along as she wants to concentrate more on music. Her last movie was “Sisters of the World Unite” in 1991.

The zealous and energetic Sally is heavily involved in badminton now and is actively promoting the healthy sport. At 44, this beautifully groomed lady and wife is setting an example for the younger generation. Sally Yeh has always done things her way but her sincerity will leave an everlasting impact on every fan.

Imaginations

Power comes to those who wait.
Power comes to those who know how to use it.
Power comes to those who do not take sides.
Power comes to those who do not rely on knowledge.
Power comes to those who are sincere.
Power comes to those who are free.

A Star is Born

29th September, 2005
I wish for your peaceful sleep tonight
Four decades and four years in flight
Your life is meaningful and bright
The break of dawn takes you to a greater height.

30th September, 2005
I wish for your everlasting happiness
Be blessed with eternal goodness
You receive the touch of holliness
And your every dream materializes.

Many blissful returns of the day!

With love on your Birthday as on any other day,
Wendy

Timeless

I don’t quite know how to talk to you
The communication doesn’t always break through
But that doesn’t stop me from loving you.

I don’t know what makes you smile
I will try everything, even if it is not worthwhile
Because I can’t stop loving you.

I don’t know why I do what I do
When the feelings start to rule
How much I really love you.

I don’t know if I am stupid and lost
Insane, brainless and a shameless ghost
All I know is I love you.

I know I won’t get anything in return
I didn’t ask for a kiss and a hug
All I want is only to love you.

With this love beating in my heart
I will give you all I can cast
You don’t know how truly I love you.
I really do…

Humility

If we were humble, nothing would change us - neither praise nor discouragement.

If someone were to criticize us, we would not feel discouraged.

If someone would praise us, we also would not feel proud.

~Mother Teresa

***

From the great Mother I learnt that when I surrender myself completely to God and keep my mind focused on the truth of reality and to pray whole-heartedly, there is no need to search for the meaning of life. Because then life is full and complete, as I am living in the image of God.

It is better to give than to receive, better to love then to be loved and better understand than to be understood. God is not kept as a symbol, an object, a crucifix and a being that I know subjectively and neither is God what others dictate to be but is accepted and known ultimately as a presence in everything.

Not to what I think thou art but to what thou knowest thyself to be.

Heartbeat

I have to get it very right. Why do I need a reply? Let not the emotions get to my head.

************

I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!

A Letter to Father

Dear papa or should I call you daddy
Whatever, leave it - both names are silly
Maybe father as I always called you
If you remember, I am your kid too
I don't mean to be rude
My writing neurotic and crude
Even when you rest in peace
I caused you unease
The trees are quiet if you want to know
Awaiting a thunder to blow
As I write you this letter
Your image is a fetter
I don't know when was the last time we hugged
Not that I mind but when I saw you on the rug
Your face a little blue
What should I do?
Touching your hand seems so strange
Air suffocates your eyes estranged
For me to be there at that moment
To you it must be a torment
Your last seconds in the host
Before a person you dread most
Though I wished you lasted a little longer
For there is a question I have no answer
Should I get a reply
I wouldn't even ask why
It's the same puzzle torturing you
A confrontation overdue
The secret now lays burried
In death it shall be cherished
Your name I carry forever
The pain I forget never
How can I learn to cry?
A thunder sounds the evening sky
But it will never rain
No water to quench the grain
As I write you this letter
Your image is a fetter.

the threat of pride

Schopenhaeur once said, "You can do all you want but not WANT what you want." This didn't mean much to me during the initial times of reading. Nevertheless inspirational phrases are not words we admire aesthetically but rather are experiences that delineate life. What this points to is that it is good to be confident and lift your actions to a higher plane. Although what you want is to be conceited cloaked behind boldness and bravery. Do take heed that unless one is fearful, there is no need to be brave. Confidence is not the opposite of cowardice. Confidence is a natural glow from inside and is neither an act nor inaction.

Birthday Post

This picture has nothing to do with my birthday (20 Sept 2005). I just love it. I won't bother telling you who the lady in white is since you can't really see her face. As long as my heart knows, it is more than enough.

-----&-----

# Mummy, I love you for sentimental reasons.

# What is more remarkable and amazing than to start off a birthday by learning something new - RADIETHESIA. The best gift ever. Is science scientific? A result of science is only conclusive in so far as to prove the hypothesis it was set out to solve at a current time. This is true until a new hypothesis can prove the result incorrect. Another question, what amounts to being scientific? Who decides?

Three Leaves

"If you meet buddha on the road kill him" - it means do not follow him, make your own way...find the right path for you...if you are following others, you aren't true to yourself...kill the current idea of the buddha...that he was this christ like figure that must be a deity...he never wanted to be revered or remembered that way...

the two best allegories or symbolisms for buddhism are..."do not confuse the finger pointing to the moon with the moon"...and two..."buddhism is like an island in the middle of a lake..it will not tell you what you will find on the island...it will tell you to go find out for yourself.

typing out the words is easier than actually doing what the words are formed to convey...how to find a path and where to begin...is there a beginning...should i give up my entire possession to find this path.

if you read books on buddhism it appears that buddha did prescribe a method for willing folks...but as you read and absorb what he teaches you end-up admiring him and turned him into a divine protector of your life.

this mistake is very simple to make...because the buddha is someone sacred...an enlightened human being one tends to elavate his status and worshipping inevitably starts.

maybe it is human nature to want to idolise or make something or someone else more superior...to be alone means one does not exist...and this is a general presumption that one makes of themselves and others...for example there must be someone i love / admire...does the name sally yeh ring a bell...i am sarcastic and it may hit others as well but it is aimed at me...please don't think it is personal.

it need not be sally yeh...even religion can be an object of admiration turning out fanatics and murderers...it works on similar principles but the outcome is different...idolising sally yeh is more of an escape route taken by fans to get away from unpleasantness...i won't deny that sally makes me feel good and it does make me feel special and this is what fans look for...a hero they can relate to... one which completes their wildest dreams and imaginations...denying that sally-loving is not something that makes a fan feel nice is a blatant lie...might as well own up to it...cut the bullocks on only wanting to keep sally happy etc...another denial.

how did we get here...anyway...sally yeh is worshipping in a mildest form...as in there isn't any sally yeh temple around yet...no don't think i am saying it is wrong to love sally...i don't mean it this way...it has to happened because the events have turned out this way a fan has to go through the process...it is not a matter of it being fair or not but living the experience and letting it go.

i can go on for ages about attachment...but there is one thing i'd like to make known here...attachment is part of the noble truths...buddha said desires and thirst cause sufferring...and this in turn brings about a karmic reaction...but desires are also brought about by karma...and if you don't get it by now we are talking about a cycle...there is no beginning and ending...you can't find a spot and declare it as a starting point...to end this suffering is not by denying and finding excuses but to actually understand it...truly understanding it...so that another condition would not arise to bring about another attachment...but please remember that it is a karmic reaction...one must still bear the consequences even after understanding and seeing the truth...one can't escape from it but one is then ready to accept it and it ends completely...no more conditions arising.

finished.

Dear Alice,

I pray for your speedy recovery. Get well soon.

Love,
Wendy

Follow Your Heart

Music & Lyrics : Paul Barry & Mark Taylor
Performed by : Mario Frangoulis

Every little tear you cry
Leaves your heart so heavy
Every time you hear goodbye
You wonder will it ever end

There's nothing I can tell you
The world moves on and on
But I still believe in LOVE

Follow your heart
Wherever it takes you
Nobody knows
Where the wind blows
No one can say

Follow your derams
Whenever they find you
Lost and alone
The light in the storm
Will always be with you
If you follow your heart

When the world's a little crazy
The truth's so hard to find
But I still believe in LOVE

Follow your heart
Whenever it takes you
Nobody knows
Where the wind blows
No one can say

Follow your dreams
Wherever they find you
Lovers and friends
THEY FADE IN THE END
But the love that's inside you
Grows stronger inside you
Will always be with you
Follow your heart.

This is the theme of my life. It is extremely well crafted in this song and beautifully sung by Mario.

All or nothing

Having a choice means not having freedom.

Timothy can either pick A or B though he wants to have A and B. He doesn't have an option. He can only take one and abandon the other. This tantamounts to figuring out which one is better, cheaper, faster and prettier. In the end Timothy chooses the one which gives him the highest amount of happiness.

He thinks he is free to choose but does he? When one has total freedom and not curtailed freedom dictated by what the government orders, friends think, family believes and religion dictates there is no need for choice. What Timothy has is conditioned freedom because the decision he makes is influenced by many factors and so how can anyone be free under such circumstances?

When one is free, there is no need to choose anything. The answer is already there and there will be no confusion, fights and misunderstanding.

Timothy is not free and so am I.

Hole with a view

what we see and know now, is only a dot of infinity.

The problem is we think we know everything. Thinking we are smart is really dangerous. The potential of mind shutting is actualized. After that the talk becomes face value. The conversations run around trivial and dramatized notions. We stretch the surface without going deeper and exploring other perceptions. The rest of the doors are sealed and shut because we think such doors don't exist. There is only one door way.

It is a struggle to break free from walking in and out one door way. This only brings to mind rejection and failing to fit in. The question to ask is compliance that important? Following orders have become our nature and we do it without blinking.

Shouldn't following our heart be something we do without blinking? It is not even a conscious act but an automated field of actions. Because in this one act plants the seed of past, present and future. It is known with wisdom and not just knowledge.

Look further, Contemplate deeper

Inwardly be free of all hopes and desires, but outwardly do what needs to be done. Without hopes in your heart, live as if you were full of hopes. Live with your heart now cool and now warm, just like everyone else. Inwardly give up the idea "I am the doer," yet outwardly engage in all activities. This is how to live in the world, completely free from the least trace of ego.

-Maharamayana

HURRICANE KATRINA SURVIVORS and VICTIMS

While I was lamenting how I can't have what I want and why certain things have worked against a pre-planned timetable, I was a complete idiot. It is indeed true and I could have done my prayers a million times, I won't understand the meaning of impermanence until it collides with the ignorance on my part. Everything changes and nothing really lasts forever. Unfortunately, each time something I want dissipates from my vision, there is anger. In the midst of this anger, I failed to see the actual fruits of my labour because I was blinded by wrath and the feeling of disappointment. If only there was more patience, I could have spotted the light.

It puts me to shame to be extremely short sighted and for not being able to understand and receive the universal language of love. Here we have a catastrophic disaster in New Orleans, all beyond anyone's control which led to multitudes of death and property damage. The amount of looting, rapes, fights and fires that broke out in the wake of devastation really puts a big question to compassion and kindness. What happened to mankind? Unity seems to have diminished and have been digested by the selfishness of the moments.

The endorsement of "I am this and I am that" definitely helped to harden the heart. Every man for himself and every woman for herself. In this age of self-preservation, is there any more room for unconditional love? Can I even get near the shadow of love. I am not talking about love for pleasure, ownership and control. But I am talking about love that is beyond the comprehension of words. Infinite love.

Sincere wishes to New Orleans. May you soon find and embrace the light.

the core

Why do you scream? Why do you jump? Why do you do the things you do?
What motivates everything? What is the intention behind my writing this?

I really don't know. Because the deeper I dwell, the more it becomes unclear. I don't find definitions working any longer.

Is it my mind or yours when you pretend that you don't care. It is such a joke because people repress themselves so much. For what? To be cool seems to be the common answer. It annoys me to no end when people don't get it that an honest answer or action comes from within and not from what the society says.
When someone doesn't follow the crowd, s/he believes that s/he must fight agaisnt this and that. In other words, be rude and fight for what they believe they want - I am ORGINAL. These group of people are just so wrong and ignorant. Because what they are doing is endorsing ruthlessness and hatred in society. The society functions in a battle-style. A vs B, left vs right and so on. On the other hand, merely following instructions leaves one in a mechanical trance.

However looking at this whole mess which the world is in, nothing seems to be a solution so long as it is merely addressing things on a superficial level. The world does not need another religion, another nuclear weapon, another exotic island, another luxurious car and another assassination.

All these shit I go through with friends or whatever they call themselves only prove one point. No one is sincere. You scratch my back and I scratch yours is the name of the game. But I don't buy it. Not any longer. I am tired.

What is happening to my mind now?

the print of love

the best story book you can ever read is someone's face. but how often do you really look someone on the face and watch carefully every line, every movement and every frackle and the twitching of the mouth. do you ask what does the tiny detail mean?

maybe it is uneasy to always look at a person and it causes intense discomfort for both parties. alternatively, you would send out the wrong messages if you stare too long at a person from the opposite sex. in the context of the society currently, it is rude and intrusive if you watch a person without averting your eyes even once. it becomes an act of visual interrogation and definitely not welcomed.

face study is very interesting because literally, a person's life and behaviour are charted on the face if you know how to decode the secrets. the movement of face muscles are either voluntary or involutary. when one smiles on demand that is a voluntary movement of the face. however when someone smiles because of immense pleasure, the eyes curve a little more. this micro movement is involuntary and it is almost impossible to contract the muscles around the eyes in this way voluntarily. the movement on the face can be so small that you would probably miss it if you blink, but it is there. it is this tiny movement that speaks of the person's true character because these movements are the result of trying to hide one's intention.

this skill of face reading is exceptionally useful for police, lawyers, judges and virtually everyone. how do you know if someone is lying or is angry but hide it so well? film directors should learn this art and give proper directions to actors when shooting a scene.

perhaps one thing does lead to another. once you have learnt to decode facial expressions, the biggest fear is that the face is the exact print of the heart.

what is your print?

airborne

i want to have a relationship with you
not one if you are cute and sweet, it makes me happy
i don't want you to only entertain and take me for ecstatic rides
i don't want you to merely smile at me from high above
and pat my shoulder once in a while.

i want a relationship which it is real
i know we are far apart
it is not our calling to be together
there are many demands
there is only one solution.

i don't want to keep you for myself
i don't wish to fend others away
i want a relationship
that you and i see eye to eye
and i can call you a friend.

slowly

we are disturbed not by what happens to us, but by our thoughts about what happens.
greek philosopher, Epictetus

When is my prime?

Casey looked at herself in the glass. She smiled but from the reflection she saw a frown. She scrutinized the complicated mixer in front of Joe, the sound engineer and saw, “Mic 2 – Volume.” She was assigned Mic 2 however; it did not matter if she was given a baton or torchlight. Because regardless of what she did on stage, teeming young fans would tear down Hong Kong coliseum, gifts and praises poured like spells of rain and she would be the Best Newcomer of 2003.

The cup of coffee she was holding cleansed the musty smell of electricity in the stuffy control room. Hot air scattered near Joe’s left ear. He turned and looked at Casey, “What is it that you want this time, Ms. Superstar?” He sounded impatient but dare not annoy the on demand pop idol.

“Oh, nothing. Err… I just want to bring you a cup of coffee. Hee hee.” Casey smiled bashfully, piercing Joe with a set of oval-shaped diamond eyes. Nervously, she passed the cup of coffee to him. Shaking his head, Joe accepted the offer and reluctantly placed it on the floor; a gesture indicating that she ought to disappear now.

Nonetheless, she plastered her slender legs to the floor. She tapped his shoulder and asked, “Do you think I am pretty?”

“I don’t know.” Joe replied sternly.

While Casey was bombarding Joe with childish questions, they did not realize that two inexperienced assistant sound engineers, Donnie and Wai were watching them closely. These eager souls wished their ears had wings that could fly nearer and record what Casey and Joe were on about.

“Wai, I told you what the newspapers said are true. They are having an affair. She did visit him in the house.”

“Of course! I notice that Casey is always watching out for Joe and tries to talk to him all the time. Too bad we can’t hear what they are whispering to each other.”

“Donnie! Look! She is passing him a love letter and a CD.” Wai’s eyes enlarged so big that they were about to jump out.

Casey thanked Joe and walked away. She skipped pass Donnie and Wai, who pretended to untie a roll of wires. The two giggled and each brewed nasty thoughts about the innocent young singer.

In the dressing room, top make-up artist and hairstylist were fussing over Casey who was due to accept an award and to perform in 15 minutes. She was extra anxious that evening because she left her heart in the control room. “Would Joe do it? What happens if he doesn’t?” She repeatedly asked herself until she didn’t realize that her manager David was signaling her to get ready. He pointed to his wristwatch signifying that it was time. She felt a gush of panic serum infused into her blood stream. Her legs clutched into a spasm and she shut her eyes to cut away the fame and glory for a few moments.

Both the artists smiled in gratification. Their masterpiece was about to reveal herself in public. Casey smiled too as she always did whether she was happy or sad. After a while, she felt numb and couldn’t tell the difference between being happy or sad, good or bad and love or hate.

“Casey, darling. You are on. Remember to stay cute and flash that smile of yours.” David grinned as he wrapped his arms around her.

He moved closer and murmured, “This award is important. You should be proud that you won. Don’t disappoint the company. Put on a good show.”

The guest presenters announced the name of the winner. Joe stared into space after reading Casey’s letter. He caught sight of Casey walking vibrantly upstage and she smiled. He watched her every move and cold sweat formed on his forehead. His fingers fiddled with the control switch.

The letter lay on the floor next to a cold cup of coffee, the earlier hot coffee that Casey brought to Joe. He picked up the letter and read it again.

DEAR JOE,

I am sorry for causing you so much of troubles. For the past two weeks, I was hanging around you because I found out that you are the chief sound engineer of the award show. Yeah, the one where I will be presented the Best Newcomer title, which I don’t think I deserve. I know you are the only person who can help me but each time I see you, I don’t have the courage to ask you. So, my last chance is to write you this letter. I hope you will read it before it is too late.

Everyone knows I cannot sing and I even sound terrible on CD. What am I doing in this industry? How can my fans support me? Just because I have a pretty face. I feel that I am lying to the whole world especially to the fans that spend their money to buy my records. Who can sing about KFC, McDonanld’s and Pizza Hut but me?

I watched Sally’s 25th anniversary concert and that prompted me to think and re-evaluate where I am. If I want to be a singer, Sally is the person I so deeply wish I can be. She has a beautiful voice, flawless showmanship and what motivated me most was her sincerity to herself, her fans and music. These are the qualities that I don’t have. I am not even sincere to myself. There must be a reason why she is still going strong after 25 years. Where would I be after 25 years if I continue the way I am? When is my prime? Having a pretty face wouldn’t last me for 1 year what more one quarter of a century.

During the concert, I sat quite near to Sally’s fans. They sang, shouted and screamed her name. “Sally, we love you! We love you!” I know they meant it and Sally deserved every support she gets from fans who came from all over the world. I even saw a Western gentleman who truly enjoyed her show. When can I ever perform like her and touch the hearts of my fans with my sincerity and talent and not with a plastic face?

So, Joe I understand that this could cause you your job and your reputation are at stake. I won’t force you to do it but I hope that you will think about it. When it is time for me to perform, boost the volume on Mic 2 and play the CD I passed to you. And leave the rest to me. I know this will cause me everything but what is it that I have earned so far which has not been pre-arranged? For once, I want to do something for myself and for my fans. I want to sing!

Thank you.

With deepest appreciation,
Casey

PS: I owe you my life.

Soon after the master of ceremony pronounced that Casey will perform her “Fast Food Chain” song, a million screams were heard from among the crowd. Casey smiled but her eyes were set on Joe. Although she was miles away from him, he could feel the pleas from her gaze. What should he do?

Joe inserted Casey’s CD. The music began to pump and Casey tried to speak from her microphone but could not hear a sound. She was disheartened. The dancers pounced onto the stage and circled around her. She was nailed put and continued to gawk towards the control room.

“Please, Joe. Help me.” Casey begged with tears forming in her eyes and she knelt down on the ground.

Even when she was not singing, her frail voice was heard circulating in the coliseum as it was broadcasted from the control room.

Suddenly, Joe stopped the CD and turned on the volume of Mic 2. The audience could hear Casey sobbing uncontrollably and one person started clapping. In no time everyone else cheered in unison.

Casey stood up slowly and placed the microphone to her mouth. “Hello.” She uttered but still trying to catch her breath. She closed her eyes and counted to five and opened them again. At that precise moment, she could see for the first time what she was doing on stage clearly and understood the purpose of existence. She knew she had to fight for what she believed in.

“I am sorry. But I can’t accept this award because I don’t deserve it.” There was a complete silence in the coliseum while David nearly choked on his saliva.

“I apologize to everyone here, especially to my recording company and more so to my fans. Every time I hold this mic in my hand, I feel like a liar and I am cheating each and every one of you. I know by my actions tonight, I will lose everything. But it is ok. They were never mine to begin with. I am tired of pretending.”

Casey paused. Not a single person made a movement or said a word. They were hypnotized by the guts and honesty she emanated. David on the other hand was very worried if he would be terminated by his employer. Before she could do further damage, he ran to the control room but it was a little too behind schedule.

“Prior to my leaving and say goodbye forever, I wish to do one more thing. At least give me a chance to be truthful, just once. Let me sing for you with this microphone. Volume on. Thank you.” Casey held the microphone up like Lady Liberty and flashed a smile to the spectators. One by one, those present clapped and in the end all gave her a standing ovation.

Casey looked at Joe and as though understanding her cue, he played the CD, which she gave to him in the morning. A familiar tune filled the air and it was not a melody from her album.

“I know this is not my song. I wonder if I will get into trouble for singing it but I hope Miss Sally Yeh won’t mind. I really love this song. Sally is a singer whom I respect and love the most from the bottom of my heart and I wish to sing this song because it will mean a lot to me.”

The audience cheered even louder and with her eyes fixed on them for the last time, she sang the second verse of “Ling See Sap Fan”, the 1984 hit which propelled Sally to success. One must admit that Casey was not exactly a singer with a voice but what shined through that evening was her sincerity.

Joe picked up the cup of cold coffee from the floor and took a sip. “You don’t owe me anything now.”

Cart

Nandi, the scared bull is the vehicle of Lord Shiva. Lord Shiva is a manifestation of the one, the universe and the trimurthi in the form of a destroyer. He is in a meditative position and when he awakens and opens his eyes, he gets up to dance. The world is destroyed.

This is a beautiful mythology because it sinks in us the need to create and to destroy, to hold on and to release. Because even if we collected all energy in us, we have to discharge them. Only then would new things come about and we are not caught in the struggles of time. Past and future are all we know but we never understand what is present.

I think the most vivid example I can use is my recent uncontrolled craze for Sally Yeh (popular Hong Kong singer-actress). The many who have encountered with me during the past one week would have seen me floating in a daze. Although the event is over, it perpetuates in my mind. I am trying to maintain the happiness I feel for as long as possible. At the same time I plan for the future that should I meet up with Sally again, I want the goodness I felt two weeks ago to continue forever.

The wonderful time I had with Sally is not something I should cling on to and use it as a cushion to keep myself comfortable. This is a pathway to being obsessive. It is always very painful to let go of something beautiful but this pain is obviously self-generated. The mind uses a good memory to defend itself against other miseries and surrows that are actually inflicted by the same mind!

How do you keep a drop of water from evaporation? By throwing it back into the ocean. It is only by letting go, Sally will remain radiant and free. It is full of contradictions and how can some thing that I let go remains with me? It is not a physical release. It is not about riping her posters from the wall, selling her cds and giving away news clippings to other fans. These methods are purely external acts to show others like a charlatan wearing a yellow robe.

When Lord Shiva gets up, ignorance is dispelled. When he dances, attachment to worldly pleasures and security are destroyed. When I am free from Sally, I truly love her. Because the love then is no longer one of self-satisfaction ie. if Sally smilles at me she likes me, if Sally talks to me she prefers me, if Sally does not look at me she hates me, if I let her sign too many posters she will be angry. When my action and inaction no longer are dependent on a result that will benefit me, I truly love her. Because there is no me. The ego is completely destroyed. The world in its illusionary form is destroyed. What I see are Sally and everyone else and me as the universe. Then, I truly love Sally. There are no demands, no judgements, no prejudice and inequality.

People are busy, educated and proud for "mystic mumbo-jumbo" and the quest for the spiritual grail. In the end, you are known for where you lived, what is your profession, where you studied, who do you know, what clothes you wear , how much you earn a month, who are your idols, what sports do you play, what books do you read and what car do you drive. But the missing thing in all these material wealth is you will never know what is life because to know life is to place the bull before the cart and not the cart before the bull. Nandi, your spiritual companion will lead you through life and illuminate your mind. Only when you free yourself from the ideas, concepts and systems that you place the cart behind the bull, and allow a spiritual and mystical journey to unfold.

Move on

Sometimes it is so heavy, the steps I take do not lead anywhere. The burden I carry soil my shoulders with uncountable tear drops. I want to give up and end everything there and then. But sometimes I dream and in that dream I see a laughing child. He holds a torch of life, a flower of breath and a seed of love. This child walks towards a direction that leads everywhere. In everywhere there is the child. How can this be? It is impossible. It is only a dream. When I awoke, I feel heat in the body, air in the lungs flowing through the nostrils and the universe lifting the sky above me.

Sound

One day Sariputta was confronted by a Brahmin who abused him verbally. When his words did not affect Sariputta, the Brahmin became even more furious. "Didn't you hear what I have just said?" shouted the angry Brahmin. " Do you have nothing to say to all my insults?"

Sariputta smiled gently and replied, " Well, my friend, I do hear you loud and clear. But since I know that you have nothing useful to say, I hear only sound vibrations, and I do not listen to the words, so I am not affected by their meaning."

Maya

Emotionally one is fragile. Physically one is vulnerable. Spiritually one is uncertain. Psychologically one is conditoned. Socially one is deceived. Where else can one go for solace?

Inside the heart, where the mind is not overpowering and not shadowed by feeble feelings of temporary love. How long can one be lured by the carrot before our face? It has become habitual to replace a rotten carrot with a fresh juicy apple. The most interesting part is that we voluntarily place the bait in front of us and we stupidly chase after it. Does it give out a sense of satisfaction when we finally catch the runaway carrot and chew on it or when we are sick and tired of carrots we grab an apple from down the road?

No more baits. Just be simple and present. We don't sincerely love anyone until we stop chasing after things to keep ourselves happy. Wishing for yourself to be happy is the greatest sin you can commit. Because very often, you justify your happiness with "as long as I don't hurt anyone. I am using my time, my effort and my money." How crude, selfish and inconsiderate you can be. Ultimately, you only think about yourself and no one else. To start from this premise, it is already wrong.

Your ego is so big that you believe that nothing is as important as yourself and the imaginary world you live in. You think that certain people you like are there to keep you entertained and happy. Again the flaw is, do you genuinely like or love or adore this person? Seriously, I would like to think otherwise. Forgive my bluntness but you only love yourself. You need the so-called person you love to respond to you positively and endorse everything you do. This gives you a sense of security and identity. Basically, it is the very crux of existence. You can jump at me but deep down, you know the truth.

If there is anything I see and do, I want me to die and what is to emerge from Maya (illusions).

Thank you for the music!

I was listening to ABBA the other day and "Thank you for the Music" was the song that leaped at me. It struck me immediately that if there was a song I can dedicate to Sally, it would be the one below. I changed a bit of the lyrics so as to customise the meaning for the current situation. But I hope you can still sing to the tune of the song.

The recent Genting concert brought back a lot of memories, some sweet and some rather challenging. But I am glad that Sally is apart of them and her music fills up every corner of my life. I realised that the music is not merely notations on paper transribed to sound but they are real; I could almost touch them with my hands.

Sally, this may not be truly original, but whatever creativity that has been put into it, I give them to you.

I was not a smart kid, in fact I don't even smile
If I try to speak, it is not even worthwhile
But I heard you sing, you opened my heart
The sadness and fear seems to fall apart
Nothing makes me frown
Cos you're the gold of my crown.

Chorus:
So, I say thank you for the music
The songs you're singing
Thanks to all the joy you're bringing
Who could leave without YOU
I ask in all honesty
What would life be?
Without Sally and songs what are we?
So, I say thank you for the music
For giving it to me.

Mother was angry cos Sally is the theme of my talk
She said study now or she'd bring out the lock
But someone I love, helps me to fly
Sally takes me high up to the sky
Like a melody can
Well, I'm so proud, to be your fan!

Chorus

I am so lucky, you give so much of love and care
I want to sing it out to everybody
What a joy, what a life, what a chance!

Chorus

Make it through the day

Suddenly what has always been clear becomes tinted with shadows of doubt. As long as it doesn't crowd the center and swing the oscillation out of place, minor disturbances are acceptable. After all uncertainties in life are unavoidable.

I was talking with a friend about an indie film ie unreleased in local cinemas. He gave it so much of credits that I can't help but to tell him that the film is not a story but mainly focuses on sensationlism. It is on making a statement which is story telling is never about. I wouldn't touch it with a 10 feet pole. He looked at me blank as if I spoke Greek to him. I wish I did because I certainly love Greek culture.

"There is a story. It is so obvious," he retorted.

I raised an eyebrow and told him, it is not a story because therer is no characterisation. Again he heard Greek from my mouth. To save him the pains of trying to decipher a language of antiquity I asked him one simple question. "Why would a prostitute want to keep an illegitimate child? Knowing very well it would impede her work. "

His intelligent reply was, "But there are so many children born out of such situation. Look at Thailand."

That was when I geared up and said, "But why? Why not abort the child? This is the issue that we must examine deeply in the story. Because we must tell the audience the values of this woman who insist on keeping the child. What are her moral values as a person, more specifically a woman in 1980s, which is 20 years ago. Don't look at her as a prostitute but let's examine her character. You cannot use a child of prostitute mother to senstionalise the story. Then it becomes shallow because you work on assumptions. Never assume anything, even the most obvious."

He thought for a while and began to make sense. "Maybe despite her job, she is human and the maternal part of her urged her to keep the child. She wanted or hoped to produce something good out of her filthy life. Too far fetched?"

"Ah, then the story will take a different turn. This means she wanted something to live for because there is nothing good in her life. This child is like a diamond among glass beads. This is a story about hope. To get to this, we must first establish a lot of things about her character. We can juxtapose it with other prostitutes from the brothel etc. Create events to prove this side of her character."

Our conversation carried on pretty well because despite being a man, he could think like a woman.

Human, all too human.

A group of working adults got together to visit their University Lecturer. The Lecturer was happy to see them. Conversation soon turned into complaints about stress in work and life.

The Lecturer just smiled and went to the kitchen to get an assortment of cups - some porcelain, some in plastic, some in glass, some plain looking and some looked rather expensive and exquisite.

The Lecturer offered his former students the cups to get drinks for themselves.

When all the students had a cup in hand with water, the Lecturer spoke: "If you noticed, all the nice looking, expensive cups were taken up, leaving behind the plain and cheap ones. While it is normal that you only want the best for yourselves, that is the source of your problems and stress. What all you wanted was water, not the cup, but we unconsciously went for the better cups."

"Just like in life, if Life is Water, then the jobs, money and position in society are the cups. They are just tools to hold/maintain Life, but the quality of Life doesn't change."

"If we only concentrate on the cup, we won't have time to enjoy/taste the water in it."

what is wrong?

I called my aunt who lives in England yesterday. Everything is fine with her and my uncle and cousin. I checked with my teacher-employer from London, his family is well too. Nevertheless, his place of business is right next to Russell Square Station and I hope no damage is done to persons and property.

My mind being too chatty and busy lately did not inquire for an understanding as to why such devastations would befall mankind. Lives of people going about minding their own business were crushed to unrecognizable pulp. It just proves that human beings did not learn and we are still as primitive as we have been. The only advancement that took place is technologically, which led to building and an amassing of weapons of destruction. Globalization only makes us smaller, weaker and more vulnerable to attacks. It is now so easy to kill, to destroy, to pulverize a country. All it takes is one bomb and logistics is never a hindrance. Stealth planes and submarines evade the radar screens.

Man is heading to destroy but never to unite. We always say that the heart must not rule the head for emotions drown the mind with tears. But don't ever forget the these are the tears that cleanse and soften the hardness of the mind whose logic and reasons deny love and compassion.

Peace cannot be brought about by war and violence. Peace is not a movement of non-violence either. Peace is a balance of mind and heart; of reason and love.

Blessings and love to those who see and to those who are blind. May the divine light shine upon all equally.

a light unto oneself

I am the truth of all human beings because as I breathe, so do they.

God made the illusion look real and the real an illusion. He concealed the sea and made the foam visible, the wind invisible, and the dust manifest. You see the dust whirling, but how can the dust rise by itself? You see the foam, but not the ocean. Invoke Him with deeds, not words, for deeds are real and will save you in the afterlife.

Rumi, "Mathnawi"

restless

Again and again a hollow bamboo intrudes my psyche.
But I search not for something to fill the space.
It is not the void I fear;
But the acceptance of void, which unites the whole of Truth.

chained in freedom

Not having freedom should infuriate one's common sense. Compared to a prison inmate, one is obviously free to roam and do what one fancies. In comparison, a worker who earns nine hundred dollars a month can't spend all his money freely because he needs to feed his family and pay rent; while a tycoon whose income hits milllions a month finds ways to discharge cash and to elavate his status in society.

Refugees and child brides rejoice a peaceful stroll in a place called home. Somewhere in a highly-riched society, a college student demands his father to buy him a sports car. On the other side of the globe, a 17 year-old's only dream is to attend school and learn to write her name.

I am not about to conclude that the rich and spoilt do not appreciate the fortune which befall them or those in poverty struck should beg the mercy of powerful nations for help. Rather I am looking at or observing if the disparity between the wealthy and the poor is caused by a basic human necessecity named will.

What is will? What do you understand by it? It is an attitude in doing something, to want something or as a motivation speaker puts it, determination. But if one looks deeper, what is will? It is desire. A desire to own, to buy, to study, to win, to reach a goal, to achieve a dream and to be free. To have the freedom to do what one likes.

In societies where Western philosophy dominates all thinking, everyone speaks of freedom. Every politcal party ensures freedom in a democratic country. Undoubtedly, even in the East, especially far east like Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong and Japan this influence sinks in and solidifies comfortably.

Nevertheless it is dangerous because uncurtailed freedom leads to degeneration of humanity. The gap between the rich and the poor is wide and those who are in power exploit the weak. Why? In the name of freedom, isn't it? Because the will of man is selfish. The determination so-to-speak only points to you and only you. And it assures you that it is perfectly fine to aim high, to go far, to make money and to fulfill your dreams. The best method is to make enough money in a short time. Pay now and play later. The weak remains weak and the poor gets poorer. Freedom is not a fruit they taste and know how to plant. It is only for the manipulative will of the top dogs.

All this talk about freedom is actually rubbish. Think about it. Why do we need to shout for freedom in the first place? It is because we feel that we are deprived of certain things and something precious has been snacthed from the grip of our hands or we have the desire to want something. In a large scale, one country invades another; in business one company takes over another; in a relationship a girl wins the love of a married man; at home an elder brother bullies his younger sister; in school the strong guy extorts money from the physically challenged and these examples can go on and on. Since young, we are told to guard what is ours and to fight for what we want. Never to let others take them from us. And thus these things become our pride and fear. Pride because they enhance our identity and fear because we can't lose them. So, we device ways to protect them. This does not only pertain to tangible things but also to the intangibles like our freedom of speech, freedom to marry whom we love, freedom of eduction among others.

All these, we have been indoctrinated to believe that they belong to us - belong to me. The I is again emphasied. If these are mine, no one can take them. I have inherent fear that they will be taken from me. Thus, humans make up many things to protect this so-called freedom. Wars, politics, education and status are a small proximity of mechanisms used to make us feel secure.

Don't judge or even analyse. But watch for yourself. See if each and everyone of us is chained by the very thing we call freedom.

Muslim Reading

Sever the chains of the ego. Set yourself free and witness the bright essence of your inner being. Discover within your heart the wisdom of a prophet without books, without teachers, and without prudence.

taken from Mevlana Jalal-e-Din Mohammad Mevlavi Balkhi Rumi, "the life and thought of Rumi"

Same

I am departing from where I started in truth, spirit and righteousness. No longer is there light but restlessness and I question why?

Because I do not see that everything is the same.

Silly

The thoughts that haunt the mind come from the past and are projected into the future. What happened in the past accumulates and burdens the mind causing emotions to flare. Something as innocent as a pen on a table triggers the anger and hate for a friend. The mind builds them up by creating juicy visuals like a movie unfolding in a cinema. Such emotions are bodily reactions, which we can feel and they affect us negatively. Upon observation, these thoughts of the past have finished and what the mind imagines to occur in the future have not or will never happen. The unhappy situations involving the friend are over and what lives on are mere memories and a tarnished ego.

Isn't it ridiculous to hang on to previous pains and not only that, there seems to be a need to add more sorrows by continuing them in the future?

Eternal Surrender

It is funny when you are actually aware and not just think that you are aware of how much crap you have accumulated in life. It's like taking drugs. For those who have tried it, I am sure you know what I am on about. Or for those who drink to drown sorrows only to wake up with more pains than before. The things we do to avoid pain, anger, disappointment, sadness, strife, jealousy and sorrows but only to accept it we will never do.

It can't happen to me. I can't be unhappy so when that feeling of sadness or anger comes, we run and more often we blame. It is not my fault. We blame everything from our broken childhood to dominating parents to quota system for the the privileged to inconsiderate work mates to selfish teachers to our useless spouse to the driver next to us and the list is never ending. We spend so much time and effort blaming others only to feed our anger and negative thoughts.

Perhaps, we enjoy being in pain because in this state we feel comfortable. We are accustomed to it and we become numb. It takes a lot of effort to get out of it. Not because there is a better, bigger and sweeter reward when we do. But it is a fact that sinking in pain is unhealthy, almost insane. However looking at the state of humanity it is normal to be insane.

Nevertheless, if you can just step out of this madness and stop popping that pill. What there is is merely short term pleasure and not eternal love. The happiness you feel is temporary and once the situation changes, your entire kingdom of smiles collapses.

The junk we have absorbed is just too much. We move so much. Even when we rest our mind continues to be in neurotic spins. Thoughts from the past charges in to stir our stillness and worries for tomorrow never leave us.

Just be present. Don't think. Don't move. Just be here NOW.

I am.

It is an under statement. Until I experienced it I do not know. I merely have an idea of, or an identification with inspiring books and poetic quotes. At times of emergency the Being literally surges itself and everything remains as still and peaceful as it is. This is it. It is This. The non-mind is just there, where time does not operate I am "that" dissolves, disappears and I am is just there. Just I am. Not because I think, but I am.

I chose this because...

How to unite differing opinions? I am perplexed by the majority of people who believe that what they like or prefer is decided by their reason / logic. When are we ever reasonable when it comes to choosing or loving an object? (which includes people as well.) We talk ourselves into believing that we are logical based on past experience, the current situation and conditioning.

Let's take one thing at a time. What is past experience? Probably it is a memory that signals the failures and success we faced and should we find ourselves trapped in an awkard situations, we draw into our memory looking for a solution or guide. The other factors which are working at the same time are the influences in our daily life such as the neighbourhood we grew up in or the type of books we read.

I am sure you can agree that what we experienced and are influenced by the most ridiculous and if not abnormal instances that shape our thinking and logic. Then, how can what we like and dislike be based on reason or logic that is suppose to be flawless? Flawless in sense that what we do is truthful, sincere and righteous.

Actually, what we like or dislike appeals to our five senses - our feelings. Namely what we see, hear, taste, touch and smell. If we are logical no one would be smoking or drinking alcohol and there wouldn't be road rage and a 18 year old brother would not rape his 5 year sister.

Our natural state can be quite brutal. Ever held a gun in your hand? Watch how your heart pounds and thoughts start running wild in your head. Knowing that if you pull the triger and the gun is loaded, the life of a person who is standing in front of you is threatened. Now, imagine the person standing in front of you is your enemy. The person you hate most. Under such circumstances, what would you do?

Of course you may astutely say that you will never pull the triger or even hold a gun in your hand. But watch yourself. What are you doing? You are denying and escaping from the tendencies of the violence in you. Are we logical or merely surpressing our natural feelings that stimulate our senses?

You may think that supression is a logical way out. But think again. Is it logical? It is something that works on our feelings which in the first place is a mixed-bag of mumbo-jumbo. Denial is never a logical but only adds a layer to protecting or hiding the struggling natural state. Sooner or later what is boiling underneath will over flow and explode like a volcano.

Under what circumstances are we near being logical? Almost never. Every decision we make tends to satisfy our perpetually hungry five senses. From choosing which world religion to follow to our favorite singer. (Pun intended.) And even something as simple as what to eat for dinner.

You may think that I am cynical or even sinister. But it is a realisation that I must have and accept and do something about .

Good luck to you.

Everyone has problems with everyone

No wonder the youths are running away from the so-called industry experts. Because instead of showing enthusiasm and passion for the subject they wish to teach, they impose on and criticise the learners. More so for being irresponsible, lazy and when they don't think alike; they are out of the field.

Nevertheless, this is true for most if not all situations. Unless this particular group agrees to disagree, then no one is entitled to his or her opinion. Even if they agree to disagree, peace won't come because each participant is selfish. Each has an axe to grind, supported by greed and an urge to personally own the winning prize. Whatever the winning prize may be, from wealth to affection from another.

The bigger problem arises when the participants don't realise it. They don't or shall I say, refuse to acknowledge that they are causing a rift and seperating the group by being selfish and inconsiderate. They blame the rest for exhibiting the same negativity, which they themselves mastermind. Hiding information for personal reasons and being privy to certain information is to gain control over the others; these are some of the things that will inevitably tire or if not infuriate members of the same group.

The "togetherness" is destroyed. I personally hate it. Yes, hate is a strong word to use and I know I shouldn't allow it to bother me. But it does. Recently, one of my closer friends and I went to see a rather respectable martial artist. For simplicity's sake, let's call him Master. Due to some odd reasons, this Master told me that the next time I visit him, he does not wish for my friend to come along. Especially on the following appointment when an expert from China will be around. Master only wants to introduce me to this particular expert, which I found out in the end, he lacks the diplomacy, graciousness and mentality of a true practitioner.

I wonder if Master notices that I am pretty close to my friend and we both share a keen interest in martial arts. But he insisted that my friend does not have the right attitude for it and he is reluctant to teach her and if I mingle with her, he wouldnt teach me too. Finally, he found another student to pass on his skills to. And I am glad.

Because I won't betray my friend. Not for acquiring this skill or anything else. I don't put myself before others but this is no guarantee that others will do the same to me.

Such is life... but no regrets when the heart is true.

Ciao!

Help in all directions

It is not fair to mention names. There are too many and I don't want to leave out any so, it is wise that I don't even start listing. But the question I want to ask is, should everyone of them be read and known? In fact must there be consumption of written knowledge?

I have a strange suspicion that they are all speaking of the same thing. And in time to come, I will start conversing in the same tone and depth. But is that really transformation or a faking of status? Just because I do certain acts and use certain ornaments.

There are times when I do doubt what I am doing like now, for example.

But I have big dreams.

I just hope that I can handle them when they come true.

Wordless

Silence is also a conversation.

A difference

Everyone is in search of something; from material wealth to spiritual paths. But it is when we stop searching, that which we seek appears and enriches our life. Does this mean we give up our ambitions completely and forgo our dreams?

Not quite but before we pursue further in search of anything, the first step to take is to know ourselves better. Very often we don’t ever stop to evaluate who we are. We don’t go deeper than the superficial reflection in the mirror. Worse still, we deny what we see in the mirror and project a far more superior and perfect image of ourselves. If we don’t spend time and effort to know ourselves, all our endeavors in life will be pointless because we are always clouded by delusions; when we are not sincere but merely follow the crowd. The easiest thing to do is to imitate. The most difficult is to be original and creative.

It is only when you know yourself, then you know what you want. It is not about wanting something, but understanding and executing the meaning behind it. If you go on a frolic of pretending to be someone else all the time, the meaning will not reveal itself to you, no matter how hard you search and how far you go. For you will only be in darkness.